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June 27, 2009

Deuling desires

by Rod Smith

Desires for Autonomy and Intimacy live within the deepest recess of self, where soul, spirit, body, intellect collide, connect, and have their enduring party

Desires for Autonomy and Intimacy live within the deepest recess of self, where soul, spirit, body, intellect collide, connect, and have their enduring party

The Healthy Person continually allows himself / herself to honor and respect the deepest inclinations of self while accommodating (and celebrating and making “space”) also for the deepest desires to be honored and respected within others.

Room to be free....

Room to be free....

AUTONOMY: This is a powerful instinctual longing within you. It is the desire to be self-directed and separate from others. It is the “you” who wants to be free of all ties, all responsibilities. It is the “you” that fears absorption by others; the “you” who wants to let your hair blow in the wind, feel the sun on your back and live a carefree life without things that tie you down. This is the spirit of the Wild West in you, the lone-ranger, and pioneer “get-me-out-of here” spirit within you. This desire, I believe, is God-breathed, God-inspired, and a necessary part of your survival and growth.

Connected to others....

Connected to others....

INTIMACY: This is a powerful instinctual longing within you. It is the desire to be close and connected with others. It is the “you” that wants to belong, be known and be part of a family, a team. It is the “you” that fears abandonment and desertion; the you who longs for a unified journey with others, the you that wakes up at night and wonders with horror, what it would be like to be totally alone. This is the nest-making part of you, the part who longs for the sounds, symbols and reality of a shared life. This desire, I believe, is God-breathed, God-inspired and a necessary part of your survival and growth.

It is important to understand and acknowledge that BOTH these dueling desires are alive and well within you AND they are alive and well within everyone you know. Think, rather than the urges being fixed, demanding and insatiable, of these core desires as being fluid states, urges that flow at differing strengths and intensities within each of us. “A” is larger than “I” in some people, in some cultures, in some churches and, of course, the opposite is also true. “I” is markedly stronger than “A” in some cultures and subcultures.

One aspect of maturity is an understanding and an acceptance that the desires described live within each of us. Also, maturity is living with the knowledge that these very strong desires do not have to always be filled. They can be “overridden.” They can be overridden in the desire to demonstrate love, to be kind or show patience. Always subjecting these desires to “override,” never acknowledging them, is likely to create emotional havoc within individuals and communities. Always submitting to them, as if they are uncontrollable forces, will sow seeds of similar havoc.

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries | 1 Comment »

June 25, 2009

Voice lessons

by Rod Smith

Let your voice be heard!

Let your voice be heard!

Every person has a voice that is designed for full expression. Some have allowed their voice to be stolen or silenced and might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if he or she proclaims otherwise. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances, to stop someone from expressing who he or she is. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world by maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent or to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are and what you have to say. Part of having a voice, and using it, involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice so others can hear what you have to say.

Compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered voiceless for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, worthy of your silence. There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss, or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who you are. Only those with dark motives will seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished, or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness, even if it is costly to do so.

Find your voice; use your power!

Find your voice; use your power!

Loving, good people, will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom, and admire your talent. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict, shrink, or contain it. Live fully, love fully, and speak fully.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love.

I am weary of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed. If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence, and make your dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Recovery, Responsive people, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood | 1 Comment »

June 25, 2009

Before marrying with children….!

by Rod Smith

Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com

Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com

1. Plan several sessions of “hard” talking with your potential spouse. It is essential that you temporarily forget the romantic elements of your relationship (I know this is next to impossible) to talk business. Blending families is one of life’s most difficult challenges, which is further compounded when both parties have children.
2. Don’t try to be the stepparent before you legally occupy the role. Prematurely playing a role will create problems once you legitimately occupy it. It is essential you do not assume roles you don’t occupy. If a child (or future spouse) treats you as a parent, it doesn’t mean you are one. Troubles brew when people push themselves, or are pushed by others, into roles they do not occupy. (This is true even beyond families!)
3. Bridges are best built before they are needed. It is essential that you insist on multiple meetings with both parents of ALL the children before you consider marriage (yes, you did indeed read what you just read). These meetings will focus on methods of co-parenting in order to secure everyone’s best advantage. If implementing such meetings seems overwhelming to you, you are probably heading for a minefield of countless unexpected, unwelcome complications – that will seem (believe it or not) even too large for love to overcome! What is avoided (denied, glossed over, minimized) pre-wedding will rise like a rabid monster quite soon (a month, a year, or even ten years!) after the wedding.
4. Financial integrity is as important as sexual fidelity! It is essential that you look into every detail of all financial records of your spouse-to-be and offer your own finances for similar scrutiny — before you plan a wedding. Persons who cannot responsibly handle money are unlikely to be able to handle the pressures of thriving within a blended family. If a would-be spouse suggests information of his or her finances are off-limits to you, wipe the dust off your feet and depart, no matter how much love you may feel. Authentic love, apart from having many other facets, is also measured in the degree of financial partnering established between lovers. Resilient love seeks the wise, open use of combined resources. Because blending families also often involves complex financial arrangements (child support and so forth, divorce costs, education bills for children of a former marriage) hiding the details from a would-be spouse is exceedingly unfair to all involved. I DID NOT say you have to SHARE all the money — I said you have to KNOW about it and plan about it.
5. Flee blamers. An adult who blames his/her former spouse (or parents, or childhood, the new political order) for everything will also, before long, blame you for everything.
6. Avoid people who cannot engage in civil conversations with an ex, with their parents, or their children.
7. Getting Johnny (or Mary) a stepparent will not ease his dissatisfaction with the divorce, school, or his craving for a “real family.” It is essential to understand that getting married will not solve any but the most superficial current family issues. Blending families is likely to unveil and exacerbate more problems than it solves.

All this said, and so much of it sounds negative, blended families hold the potential to enrich and empower all the people involved. Some of the healthiest, happiest families I have met in many years of meeting with families (in all manner of circumstances) have been blended families! Go for it, work through all 7 points above, and you will be all set to go!

Posted in Adolescence, Attraction, Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers | 2 Comments »

June 25, 2009

His behavior degrades me…

by Rod Smith

“My partner would constantly question me about my feelings for my coworkers. He would accuse me of smiling, of trying to get attention of another man. He would check my emails and text messages. When he called me at work and I could not answer he got angry and would tell me that I’m talking to someone else and purposely not answering his phone calls. Once he sent me email in someone’s name saying he had feelings for me. I still love him very much but I cannot take it any more because it degrades me. He will never change and will never trust me no mater how much I tell him that I love him.” (Edited)

Love makes you free...

Love makes you free...

Love makes people free, it empowers, encourages, and is not jealous, petty, or cruel. The man does not love you no matter what he says. Be aware – once you try to free yourself of his virus, it will come after you. He will try every manipulative ploy to keep you. Then, as quickly, once he sees you have escaped his toxic web, he will completely reject you. These are ALL or NOTHING people, and the journey is long and hard unless the virus is continually fed, appeased, and in control. Move on as quickly as possible. You deserve better.

Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries | 2 Comments »

June 24, 2009

[Over]-parenting Karl

by Rod Smith

A little space goes a long way...

A little space goes a long way...

Over-protection had so overwhelmed Karl (15) that he had perfected the ability to escape from behind his own eyes. His vacant stare allowed him to see and note nothing most of the time. His head did turn slightly and very slowly in the general direction of his parents when they talked, but nothing about his demeanor allowed even a hint of interest. This did not inhibit the determined twosome in their attempts to correct this disconnection. Their every approach to Karl included rapid movements as they tried to prance into his line of vision, which was as difficult to discern, as it was to enter. His only response, which his parents found most encouraging, was a mild trace of disgust that appeared in the very minimal and effortless contortion of his lower lip. The boy had perfected the art of unspoken disdain that served only to have his animated parents increase their efforts to engage him even further. Disdain was something they found unthinkable, and it was quickly, positively, reinterpreted as they reassured each other of the widespread inability of teenagers to be demonstrative with love. They’d made a pact that they’d never believe anything negative from their son and encouraged each other with humor saying, “The Teen Monster abducted Karl.”

“Karl,” said his dad leaning elbows on his knees, “Look at me! Look at your mother. Look at anything.”

“Honey,” his mother said mirroring her husband’s pose, “you know we love you.”

The onslaught of words and emotion struck Karl’s shield, ricocheted off the ceiling and caused a shift in Karl’s posture. This encouraged his parents and they moved nearer to their son. Now his dad’s elbows were on Karl’s knees and his face was but inches from Karl’s nose. His mother had left her chair and hung earnestly over Karl’s shoulder while he pushed himself further into the furniture.

“Look at this Karl,” said father noticing their closeness, “what more could you want?”

“You have caring parents,” she said.

“You are such a popular boy,” he affirmed.

“You are so good looking,” she chimed.

“You have such a nice voice,” said one of them.

They shot their practiced affirmations at him because it was their nature to do so and because they well knew that teens are said to want acceptance and encouragement. Karl’s lower lip registered discomfort. Brief intense shudders raced the length of his face as if he was in shock treatment. He pulled his legs up onto the chair and placed his head between his knees which they saw as a covert invitation to move closer. Dad eased his own legs under the chair in the space Karl’s legs had vacated. Mother reached across the boy so that her arms were enfolding him as she placed her ear onto the exposed crown of his head.

“Karl we are not like other parents,” his dad said.

“We are here for you, Honey,” she interjected.

“You are everything to us!” they blurted.

Karl had an entirely new sensation. Somehow he was able to see into his own eyes which turned into a far-off clear inviting ocean. His meek movements toward the ocean became a strong walk which broke into a steady and powerful run. By the time he’d reached the rolling surf, he’d shed his clothes and plunged into the breaking surf. He tore through the waves as they beat upon his torso throwing him briefly into a panic until he surfaced finally in the calm of the open sea. In some dark corner of another world and over some musty chair, his parents were locked, speechless and uncomfortable in a rigid embrace, darting tentative stares into each others eyes looking for boy named Karl.

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

June 24, 2009

Don’t you KNOW what The Bible says, Rod Smith?

by Rod Smith

“You advise women to stand up to their jealous or controlling husbands. Don’t you know the Bible says wives must submit to husbands?” Don’t you know the Bible says the MAN is the ruler of the house and family?”

Green-eyed monster!

Green-eyed monster!

I do – know somethings. But there is, of course, a lot I don’t know. Paul says, “wives submit to your husbands,” and one can safely assume Paul is, in all of his letters, addressing both men and women. A husband who loves according to Paul is both safe and worthy of submission! But, beware of any man whose knowledge of Scripture begins, and ends, with “wives submit to your husbands” and the man (or woman) who is looking to be ruled or for a ruler! Loving men have no desire (or craving) for the submission (obedience) of others.

Submitting (“giving in”) to jealousy or controlling or abusive behavior is certainly not very helpful to the marriage, the husband or wife.

Take Up Your Life

Take Up Your Life

The Bible doesn’t require anyone to submit (accept, obey) anyone’s pathological behavior, whether it is from a spouse, pastor, or any leader. To resist (stand up to) pathological behavior, however it rears its ugly head, is to do the perpetrator (spouse, pastor, leader) a loving service. Submitting to damaging behavior can hardly result in enduringly helpful outcomes.

Sadly, I have seen women hang onto the hope that the husband will eventually change (stop drinking, beating, swearing, and go to church!) if she just learns to really “submit.” I’ve seem woman who believe the husband’s behavior is BECAUSE she has not learned to truly submit. Sad, sad, sad.

No. The monster (jealousy) will not go away if continually fed. It only gets more demanding, more unruly, more insatiable.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 3 Comments »

June 24, 2009

A is for Autonomy

by Rod Smith

Please go to www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/727591 and click on BUY.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

June 24, 2009

The self and “self”-protection….

by Rod Smith

The deepest recess, where soul, spirit, body, intellect collide and connect and have their enduring party

The deepest recess, where soul, spirit, body, intellect collide and connect and have their enduring party


One failure of the so-called dysfunctional family (I prefer “higher” or “lower” functioning family) is a family’s inability to protect the emerging self (the sense of self, soul, spirit, inner being, heart) of persons in the family.

Characteristics of the self:
1. It is beautiful (created by God as the unique expression of who you are to the world). Even the “worst” person has, hidden beneath it all, a beautiful self.
2. It is relational (naturally wants to relate and engage). Every act – think about it – is an act of relationship.
3. It is sexual (naturally wants to procreate, build and nurture something larger than its-self). Nothing can be done to escape our gender; it is inextricably woven deeply within and finds expression in everything we do.
4. It naturally desires to engage in worship (naturally wants to ascribe greatness). This explains why BMWs, children, houses are “worshiped.”
5. It is enduring (it doesn’t change much in a lifetime). Parents say things like, “From the day he could walk he’s been a determined person.”
6. It is regenerative (naturally seeks to mend and heal). Like the body is always in a state of regeneration, so is the self.
7. It is resilient (can tolerate and survive enormous pain and suffering). Humans have endured untold horror when it has been inflicted upon them.
8. It is creative (naturally thinks outside its-self) and resourceful. It is the powerhouse (engine room) within every person.
9. It can be fed, trained, encouraged (one person can take better care of a self than another) and can grow.
10. Unfortunately, it can be starved, neglected (can wilt away without nurturing) and can give up the fight.
11. It is the place from within which people are able to want, to express desire; it is the center of desire within us.

Take Up Your Life

Take Up Your Life

Although the self within us all usually has a huge repertoire of protection mechanisms, when and if it is damaged, it is usually slow in healing. While the self is difficult to damage, considering its incredible resilience, it can be damaged. A damaged self displays the impacts of hurt and trauma most vividly in relational difficulties, in matters of closeness and intimacy. The effects of damage and trauma to a self can apparently leave a person quite unaffected regarding distant or impersonal encounters. It is in intimacy, in close friendships, that the damage most vividly reveals its presence. When in relationship, a person with a damaged self will find himself unable to “be him-self.”

Posted in Attraction, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Triangles, Triggers, Voice | Leave a Comment »

June 23, 2009

What does Open Hand mean?

by Rod Smith

Pictured at the Sydney Zoo (2010)

Open your hand using all your strength. Stretch your fingers. Allow the lines on your palm to feel as though they might tear apart. Study the contours, colors, ridges and valleys, joints, dents and spaces. Push, pull, and rub. Move your fingers through their paces: together, apart, back, forward, curved, strained and relaxed, cooperative yet unique. Feel the texture and every curve. Touch the crevices. Spread your hand further, turn it at the wrist, examine and compare patterns from every angle. Here are pieces of yourself you might never have studied.

Your hands are your constant companions. They have met the needs of others, pioneered romantic moments and worn rings of commitment. They are the way your heart leaves fingerprints, the eyes at the end of your arms. Hands reflect a person’s being and are the front line agents of your life. If eyes are said to be the windows of a soul, hands express the soul.

Hold other people with your hand thoroughly open. Allow them to know the warmth and welcome of your hand, investigate its curves and benefit from its scars. Invite others to follow the lines into the fabric of your life and see the risks you have taken and the adventures that are yours. Allow them to wrestle and rest, search, see and speak. Let them stay; let them go, but let them find your hand always open.

The Open Hand of friendship, at its widest span, is most rewarding, most challenging and most painful, for it enduringly acknowledges the freedom others have while choosing

Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com

Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com

not to close upon, turn on, coerce, or manipulate others. In such friendships, expectations and disappointments become minimal and the reward is freedom. As others determine a unique pace within your open hand, they will see freedom and possibly embrace their own with excitement and pleasure.

Openhanded people do not attempt to “fix” others, change, or control others even for their own good. Rather, each person is given freedom to learn about life in his own way. Openhanded people, instead, express kindly and truthfully what they think and feel, when asked, knowing even in the asking, others might not be interested or willing to learn.

The Open Hand is not naive. It is willing to trust, while understanding and accepting that no person is all good or all bad, and that all behavior has meaning. The Open Hand is convinced it cannot change others; it cannot see or think or feel or believe or love or see for others, but trusts people to know what is good themselves. It will not strong-arm, pursue or even attempt to convince others because it has little investment in being right, winning or competing. Here is offered a core-freedom of the deepest and most profound nature: allowing others to live without guilt, shame and expectation.

Further, the Open Hand offers oneself freedom that extends to one’s memories, ambitions, failures and successes. This allows for growth of enduring intimacy, greater personal responsibility, authentic autonomy, and the possibility of meaningful relationships with others.

In the discovery of a closed hand, even at the end of your own arm, do not try to pry it open. Be gentle. Allow it to test the risky waters of freedom. As it is accustomed to being closed and fist-like, it will not be easily or forcefully opened. So let the closed-handed do their own releasing and trusting, little by little, and in their own time and manner.

When openhanded people meet, lives connect in trust, freedom and communion. Community is set in motion. Creativity is encouraged. Mutual support is freely given. Risks are shared. Lives are wrapped in the safety of shared adventure and individual endeavor all at the same time.

Rod Smith, July 1997 / Copyright

Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education | 4 Comments »

June 23, 2009

Please paste this into your browser and take a look….

by Rod Smith

http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/727591

Posted in Boundaries, Communication | 1 Comment »

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