April 15, 2010
by Rod Smith
Readers respond to the “Emotional nightmare” column…
“I read your column about being in an emotional nightmare. I want you to know I escaped. It took me 11 years. Amazing: I feel like you jumped into my psyche and wrote about my nasty adventure with my husband’s daughter whom I invited very nicely out of my life in January. Now she has her daddy all to herself. She thought I was the reason her daddy did not return her calls, her emails and of course told everyone who would listen that it is because of me. I should have THAT much power! The wonderful thing is that now I laugh at all the things she did. I got out of the emotional merry go round. I have no regrets that I don’t have to spend one more minute in her company unless I absolutely want to. Maybe I’ll want to in 2012. It is such a release to get rid of energy vampires. It takes courage but it’s worth it. I’m in a better place now.” (Edited)
“Your article on ‘Emotional nightmare” described me down to the last ‘T.’ It was a big shock to the system and ego.” (Extracted from longer letter)
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
April 14, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am getting too close to a man at work. He is a level higher than me although I do not report to him. We started meeting randomly at lunch and then he suggested we go to another place to eat where no one from work goes. This has been very exciting for me. He says he needs a person and a place to let off steam and to help him think straight. He’s been very honest about his wife and his children and his marriage. Is it okay for me to be his listening ear or am I treading on dangerous ground? His wife doesn’t know about me.” (Edited)
While this man is being dishonest with his wife, he cannot be “really honest” with you. I’d suggest you stop meeting him and being his listening ear. His first port of call to let off steam and to help him think straight is his wife – not a co-worker and one over whom he holds some indirect rank. If he can’t confide in his wife, confiding in you will only lead each of you into professional and domestic complications that will serve neither of you well. Tell him it is over – you do not need to explain yourself. He already knows he’s walking on thin ice.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
April 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My mother is a financial drain. She gambles all her money every week and then expects me to pay her accounts and give her more money. Then she talks to everyone about what a bad daughter I am if I refuse. I am not rich but now I have to pay for her fancy phone and for her cigarettes because she lost on the horses and machines. She thinks I should be treating her just as if she was one of my children. She says that I am more generous to my children than I am to her. What do you think I should do?” (Edited)
If you feed it, it will grow....
– she’s probably spent years and years developing her wasteful routines and her circle of enablers. I have little doubt that she can “play” you and the guilt-card quite effectively and that you oscillate between feeling anger for her wastefulness and guilt when you refuse.
The art of polite and firm refusal can be learned – and I’d suggest you learn it. Every penny that goes from you to her simply makes her problem harder for her to solve.
Eat with her – so you know she is not going without food – but give her no money.
Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
April 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout – yet you wish for it. You say something, then – wish you hadn’t. You know that no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will get magnified out of all proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted, misquoted, and repeated incorrectly forever. You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love but have second thoughts (actually a million thoughts!) about how love is supposed to feel.
You are usually wrong and you are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or, you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out you are “looking for trouble.”
In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky. Innocence is guilt. Pointing out obvious error is entrapment. You are exhausted with the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot, or will not, take responsibility for his or her own needs. You “share” life with an emotional piranha and yet, for some unfathomable reason, you stay, feeling unable to escape.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
2 Comments »
April 10, 2010
by Rod Smith
Expect sabotage....
Gathered from several sources (Murray Bowen, Edwin Friedman and others) here are principles to steer your life into a more powerful journey than you might already be enjoying:
1. Stay “in relationship” with persons with whom you are facing conflict. Cutting off is seldom helpful.
2. Expect sabotage – it will arise naturally from persons threatened by your success. Remain aware sabotage could also arise because you are pushy. Be sufficiently self-aware so you can tell the difference.
3. Set personal goals that are higher than the limitations others will readily set for you.
4. Intentionally increase your levels of intimacy while simultaneously, with the same persons, intentionally declare your distinctness.
5. Try to say yes more often than you say no. Live with the expectation of adventure rather than be overly cautious and fearful.
6. Give up all attempts to monitor and control ALL other adults. Remember it is NOT love if it not thoroughly based on freedom of choice, thought, expression. Remote controls are for TVs not people.
7. Forgive absolutely, unilaterally before it is asked and if it is not. This is about you, not the person offending or hurting you. Forgiving others does not mean condoning hurtful actions or passively watching it occur.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership |
Leave a Comment »
April 8, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m in my early thirties and married for two years. I have lost all interest in sex. My wife has been trying to help but now she is angry, frustrated, and hurt. I feel more and more depressed. I love my wife and it hurts to see her cry. When she kisses me I shut down. I tell her to stop; I laugh it off, or pretend I’m busy. I am trying to figure this out and I can’t. The best conclusion is that I am very stressed. I have a lot of anxiety right now. I don’t know why but I went from being the ‘alpha male’ to avoiding confrontations. I don’t know who I am anymore. My wife has been an angel and I seem to be getting worse. I don’t want to go out of my marriage. I am being 100% honest when I say that my wife is very attractive and fit, and sexy. I am frustrated and angry with myself. I am at the end of my rope and I think so is she. I am not gay. The worst part is we want kids and just the thought of having to have sex. I am just considering going to the doctor and getting anxiety pills to help me.” (Edited)
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Space |
3 Comments »
April 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
“The man I date and I are compatible. Months ago he received a call but would not answer. I found this strange. He became defensive and I have been suspicious since. I did what I should not have done and found numerous messages to and from a girlfriend. He denied seeing anyone. I called the girlfriend who said she was in a relationship with him. He says there is no relationship. She confirmed she wants nothing more to do with him but I have found out that they are still speaking. I am now confused because he continues to see me. I am uncertain about where this is going. I find it strange that she would say she is a relationship with him but he denies it.” (Edited)
Don't police him.....
You’re dating. It is supposed to be fun. Playing phone police is not. Stop monitoring him. He is an adult who can have as many friends as he chooses – unless you both decide otherwise.
The confusing thing is not that he continues to see you, but that you, given your mistrust, continue to see him. Find a man who desires monitoring. They exist, and, the bonus is, they perceive controlling behavior to be evidence of real love.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, High maintenance relationships |
1 Comment »
April 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m 31. My husband is 69. I have a young daughter. When my mother was dying my husband helped me through a very dark time. In a state of confusion I ended up moving in and marring him. He is good to my daughter and me but we have never ever had sex. He doesn’t even try. I feel alone and empty. I started an affair with a wonderful man and can feel myself falling in love with him. When I’m with him he lights my whole life up. When I leave him I feel sad and torn. I don’t feel close to anyone and really want to leave. As much as I want to go I don’t want to hurt my husband but staying is killing me. I’m so unhappy I am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain. Any advice?”
Find face-to-face counseling that will assist you to talk things through with your husband. An affair, tablets, and playing hide-and-seek will temporarily alleviate the issues, but not resolve the issues in your sexless, unhappy marriage. Of course your affair “lights up” your “whole life.” This is what affairs do. They also seduce participants away from the “real” issues and offer avoidance, not love.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
2 Comments »
March 30, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I follow you articles with interest. Your column on ‘forgiveness’, has never been more appropriate or relevant as it was today. On Sunday night, after my wife and I had conflict with our son, our hearts were broken and we felt betrayed and offended. In our minds our son was beautiful, caring, and a model of consistency. This was shattered in one moment. We all cried!
I went to his room to say goodnight and that I love him, but I did not forgive him. I don’t think either of us slept.
The next day (today) I left for work before he woke up. My heart was very heavy. I read the paper and with it came your ‘forgiveness’ article.
I copied it and took it home then and there. It could not have come at a better time.
It made me realize a few things: Nobody is perfect; my job as his father is to protect, offer advice, guide, respect and most of all love; I need to provide him with an environment that he can make mistakes and allow for normal engagement. He must not be afraid to come to me, for anything. I can’t wait to see him tonight!
Thanks for the help, I really needed it.”
(Edited for space and privacy)
Posted in Communication, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
Leave a Comment »
March 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’ve been married for a year. The marriage has been horrible. He has cheated multiple times and been violent at times. We have a mutual friend who I started liking him because he’s a really nice guy and my marriage was bad. So a week ago I told him how I feel about him and he revealed he also had feelings. My whole week was full of butterflies and emotions I never got from my husband. Yesterday my husband and I agree on a divorce but then he changed his mind and we had a big argument with violence and cops. So my husband’s gone and today my ‘friend’ phone and tells me to stop calling him because he doesn’t want trouble. Talk about my heart being crushed! I think I’m in denial because I’m trying to let it go and say it is his loss and I’ll get somebody better but I really had my hopes on this guy. Very sad.”
I agree it is sad, perhaps for reasons other than your stated reasons. Fulfillment is not found in having a man, but rather in growing up. It’s in becoming a fully productive person; it is in developing your skills, pursuing your dreams, whether you have a relationship or not.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication |
Leave a Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 