Archive for April, 2009

April 7, 2009

I met a guy last week who is wonderful….

by Rod Smith

“I found myself in an affair during my marriage. My affair was so different to my husband: caring, loving, and he wanted me for what I was. My marriage ended (tragically) and I moved in with the guy I had an affair with. Initially we where very happy, he then had a thing with my sister-in-law and then had an affair with a girl who worked near by. The next two years were absolute hell as he would move out and live with his girl friend for a while and then move back in with me. I should never have allowed this. I did let him in and out of my life as he pleased. He got engaged and they have now set a wedding date. I feel that the chapter in my life is now closed. In the last year I have been doing a whole lot of soul searching and want to make myself into someone I like being with. I felt very empty though in all of this, missing having someone to hold and love.

“Last week I meet a guy who is wonderful. He is everything I have ever liked in a man. He’s attractive, knows exactly where he is going in life. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off from the word go. I then invited him to go to the rugby and we had a wonderful time. We went to a friend’s house for drinks and left there to go home. He called me for coffee and it was very pleasant. We started kissing and got all hot and bothered but I would not let us have sex. I left in the early hours of the morning. We did have contact the next day and the day after that I sent him a message and he replied. I have been out of the dating scene for a very long time and don’t know if I should just see this as one of those flings. I really don’t want to as he is a really nice guy.”

dsc_0642You are far too fresh out of trauma to be seeing anyone, and besides, anyone can be nice for a week. Keep growing, alone. Persist in becoming the kind of person you like being with. A little emptiness is a good thing if it leads to growth. Leave the kissing until you have known a person for a year or three. This will tell you how nice he really is!

April 6, 2009

To forgive or not to forgive, there is no question….

by Rod Smith

dsc_0642Infidelity is hard to forgive. Not forgiving it is harder. One is a severe punch. The other is a double whammy, its impact potentially outlasting the memory of the betrayal.

Unwillingness to forgive is often the only thing onto which a slighted spouse can hold, the only available ammunition to make a spouse pay. It’s easy to understand. Logical. It’s predictable. But, it ferries undesirable consequences.

Resentment might feel like a good and effective tool to hurt a partner for misdeeds, but it will make you most unattractive. Bitterness might be the most prevalent and obviousthorns emotion to feel, to use, but it will persistently eat you from the inside, leave you feeling even angrier, even more powerless over your life. Then, apart from punishing your spouse, they (resentment and bitterness) will punish you and contaminate all your relationships. In short, they have no boundaries and they are on a mission to deface all that is good and pure.

Who, from any arena of your life, wants to engage a bitter and resentful person in anything meaningful? His or her infidelity might make a spouse untrustworthy, but your resentment and bitterness will ultimately make you most unattractive!

A partner’s infidelity may rob you of trust, rob you of the sacredness of what you had in marriage, but given time, given time to hurt and to express feelings of appropriate anger, I suggest you relinquish your legitimate right to be angry, and forgive.

This is the high road. And your inner beauty will be strengthened, your light will once again begin to shine. And, your unfaithful spouse will no longer be in control of you or your future whether you remain married or not.

April 6, 2009

Please read this post if your are interested in understanding affairs…

by Rod Smith

April 5, 2009

I can’t tell anyone what has happened….

by Rod Smith

“I have been married for 25 years. I thought every thing was going well. We were on holiday when my husband told me he loved me but wasn’t ‘in love.’ He hasn’t really talked to me since and doesn’t care about anything in my life. I can’t tell anyone what has happened. I can’t tell my family. I don’t want them to worry about me. I can’t tell friends.lock I am afraid people will think less of me. I don’t know what to do, where to go. When I ask him about it he says he didn’t it but he did. When we go to bed he puts his back to me. When I tell him I love him, he says I’m trying to start a fight. I think everybody will be better off if I’m not here anymore. They can start over without worrying about me. I have nothing. Please help me, please.” (Edited)

dsc_0642While you remain silent with family and friends you keep yourself beyond their helpful and healing touch. Let people in so you may find companionship and understanding. While you remain a victim (voiceless, silent) your husband remains in charge of your future. You will find life most appealing when you work on your future despite what your husband chooses to do.

April 4, 2009

Is there room for righteous anger….?

by Rod Smith

dsc_0642The “anger” column (below) generated much response. Several persons said there is room for righteous anger. Some reminded me that Jesus got angry. Of course there is room for righteous anger. The issue is can you remain righteous while expressing righteous anger? I find it difficult to remain righteous (calm, honest, clear-headed, strong) and express righteous anger.

Here are some circumstances – there are, of course, others – where righteous anger is to be expected:

1. The helpless (children, the poor, the ill) are victimized.
2. Power (financial, political) is abused.
3. Religion (faith, The Bible) is misused.
4. Lies and gossip are perpetuated.
5. Intimidation, manipulation, and domination are considered normal.
6. Waste of money and other resources is ignored.
7. Women are treated or believed to be “lesser” beings or weaker than are men.

I find I am more helpful when confronted with the above circumstances if:

1. I wait to assess what is occurring (rather than jump in and “righteously” attack).
2. I go to the “source” rather than the symptom.
3. I consult with others to discern if the issue is a product of my unresolved conflicts or if it is indeed something others also see.

April 3, 2009

If you have been wondering….

by Rod Smith

… I took my children to Jamaica last week. No cell. No Internet. Nothing but beach, fun, and games …. which is the reason your posts were not updated and the reason why I have not posted any new articles….

Keep reading and writing. I will.

This is to let you know I am back and still listening.

The ONLY thing I ask in return is that YOU spread the word about this website and that you let me know (through a comment) that you are doing so.

Rod Smith

Let me know if you’d like to talk — I will make myself available….