Archive for April 26th, 2009

April 26, 2009

Three Blind Mice – “L,” a real-life friend describes her “Christian” Internet dating experience

by Rod Smith

Hi Rod:

There are several titles for my story: “The Mickey B. Story”, “Cyber-men Are Dead to Me,” “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!” The “Man-or-Mouse-week” sadly revealed a rat. So take your pick, or make up your own title. Let me know.

Thanks, L, for allowing me to run your story.

Thanks, L, for allowing me to run your story.

After years of friends suggesting that I join a Christian Dating Website and me sticking my fingers in my ears and saying, “LALALALALA! I can’t hear a thing you say,” I felt the Lord begin to speak to me about being intentional in my relationships. I signed up on one of the websites. The website has been quite a different experience for me. I “met” 3 men: all married. However, the 3rd guy, “Mickey B.” tried to play with my heart these last 7 months.

I thought that I would be as wise as I could with this by maintaining a sense of humour in it all, keeping my friends and family informed with it all, take my time over it as it is the internet, whilst being open to what I sensed the Lord saying about me being intentional in my relationships.

So, guy number 3, the “Mickey B.”, Emails me just as I was about to give up on it all. He came across as shy, technical person, heart for missions, developing a radio ministry, part of pioneering a church plant. He said he was single, been to Bible college. It all sounded promising. After a month, we exchanged email addresses and I checked out his church website and read that he had moved with his family and saw a contact for a woman of the same surname (last name). I emailed him asking him bluntly if he was indeed married and he said she was his sister. All very plausible for a family moving to help pioneer a church plant it seemed. By Christmas he said did we want to meet up and I said yes. It seemed hard to pin him down to a diary date, but then my upbringing said to let the man do the chasing. I sent a couple of cards to the church address, which he got straight away and said all the right things that a single guy could say that I would like to hear.

There were times that he didn’t email, or not email very much at all. I would email and ask if he wanted to call it quits to just let me know. He would always email straight back with plausible reasons, had a bug, outreach has been crazy, Christmas, new year. He said he struggled with busyness and could I help him with it. Several times he mentioned meeting up saying he would get back to me.

I was beginning to feel picked up and dropped and I would like to be cherished – so felt that even though I have been ill since January, and cant drive to him at the mo, I really couldn’t carry on just emailing a guy indefinitely, when we could meet up and decide that we didn’t want to continue and besides he had several times said he wanted to meet up s o wrote saying we either meet up or call it quits. Strangely the email bounced back, but seemed to go later, so I decided to send a card to the usual church address. I decided to include my contact details with this card, thinking he would have the most possible ways of contacting me. My group decided to call it “Man or Mouse Week.” Didn’t realize that he would turn out to be a rat.

We had quite a list for him to prove himself a man, flowers, chocolates, lots of consistency and making an effort beyond mere promises. He could also prove to be a man by letting me know that he didn’t want to do this. To prove himself a mouse he would need to do nothing. We set the deadline for last Thursday. Thursday the phone rang. His church pastor’s wife, asking me how I know Mickey B. The church pastor had picked up the card and given it to the actual wife who had challenged it to the real Mickey B. He said I had contacted him through the radio ministry and was chasing him. So the church pastors wife had decided to phone me. Did I know that he was in fact already married with 3 children? No I didn’t know that. We had quite a long conversation. This last week I have emailed them what I know and spoken to his actual wife on the phone. She sounds lovely and he was putting his real actual children to bed. Very surreal for me to hear that one! It seems as if I am just the tip of the iceberg to the deception. They said that if I hadn’t sent the card and been as open and honest as I have been, they would all still be hoodwinked – including his loving wife. They seem to have a good structure in place to support him, should he chose it, and then to help them with their marriage. The photos he had put on the website and the ones he had sent to me weren’t even of him. So if we had of met I would have walked straight past him! He doesn’t drive it also turns out so it is very unlikely, that he would ever turn up. I have deleted everything and the church say they will delete everything I sent too. We also reported him to the website and they removed him. A few weeks ago I had emailed him, saying that as I had prayed for him, that I had the words that the lord was asking him to stand for truth at this time.

So I have gone through emotions of feeling sick, numb, reeling and not sleeping well, at the thought of being the other woman and that I have been fed all these lies right from the beginning. It has helped that the photos weren’t of him. As I sent through to the church all that he had said to me these last few months at their request, that I was able to re-read them as all lies in true Psalm 62 and journal-ing style. It has been surreal to be in such good contact with this church this last week, but probably very important to them as they join ranks in uncovering deception. At times this week I have felt quite cross at him lying to me all of this time. He tried to play with my heart and it has felt bruised this last week. He always was a guy that might not work out, so I tried to guard my heart in all of this. But, the truth is, that he never could have worked out, because he is already married. It is only this last week that I have known that bit. Over the last few months the Lord has been teaching me lots of stuff, and those truths I will hold on to as I have been on my own tentative journey of sharing my heart with another after a very long time. Truth is, he never really had my heart. He tried to catch it, but that would have taken more than emails!! I have done all I can to help his church, prayed and chatted with friends and my lovely vicar and emailed my friends – including you – and now I am done with Mickey B.

I am safe, loved, valued and have some very real precious friends and sleep has returned to me. Cyber-men are now dead to me and I am not going to do internet website dating again. I will stick to building intentional relationships with real people – and if that includes a special man then it is a bonus – hopefully for both of us!

So thanks for being one of my very real precious friends Rod.

And for listening too!

Love from L.

Permission email:

Yes. please do remove and change identifying stuff and change names and edit it as you like and post it on your website if you think it may help and bless some men and women. If you need to add in for your readers that his church have a strong accountability structure in place, including counseling and pastoral support and in the meantime they have removed him from all leadership roles then do, and if it helps readers thinking of internet dating to know that the email address I gave him was a hotmail free one, not my personal and usual one.

Thanks for your prayers for me – and also for the man and his family. It would have been easier for me if it had just been a guy that didn’t work out, but the already married bit has been a bit horrid for me to deal with. I don’t like being lied to or being misled. The potential fallout for him and his family and church family as a Christian is still potentially disastrous. However, my name, does mean light bringer, so if I have helped bring this into light for his wife and church and if people are blessed through reading it on your website then God will continue to be glorified. Going into the darkness isn’t pleasant, but necessary to dispel darkness. And no storm is ever wasted is it.