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I am in a bad relationship with a trustworthy man….

by Rod Smith

Question: I am in a bad relationship with a trustworthy man but I have no ability to trust or believe in him. I jump down his throat and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change and grow. I cry a lot and face fears but I can’t go faster than my heart allows. I get angry with myself but my upbringing was bad and abusive and I know the damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing because I think he is fantastic. He would be a fabulous dad, and a loyal husband. He helps me face my fears. To be honest, every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me, imagines me having his babies. We live together. I am a horrible, possessive, insecure girlfriend. (Letter shortened)

Rod’s Response: Marriage and babies will only increase the intensity of the difficulties. Living together is no taste if marriage. Without intensive personal work on your part – he’ll not be the man you now think he is.

Posted on March 2, 2007 at 5:39 am in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

2 Comments to “I am in a bad relationship with a trustworthy man….”

    
  1. Claudia's avatar
    Claudia
    April 6, 2007 at 9:11 am

    I am in what seems superficially to be a similar situation. For me, I experience tremendous anxiety in response to stress, and am insecure, frustrated, and angry with myself about it. I have been dating a guy for five months. Despite initially reassuring me he loved me and wanted to stay with me, my anxiety triggers his stuff, and he has been pulling away. He is considering leaving me right now.

    I have the anxiety responses due to growing up in an erratic and scarey household. Anxiety is the way my body tries to protect me from harm, even when running/fighting is inappropriate to the situation. I identified this many months ago (well before the relationship started) as a response that 90% of the time does not yield the desireable result of relief for me when my well being is threatened. I have been steadily working on quieting my anxiety and implementing new coping techniques. Progress has been debilitated by my anger and frustration about the fact that this is how I respond to stress. My partner pulling away from me says to me that I am over-reacting or wrong in my response, and that feeds my anger and frustration at myself for being as I am, and impedes my progress at soothing my anxiety and learning new ways to cope even more. This makes me even less appealing to my partner, and impedes my progress toward my personal goal of less anxiety/more effective coping responses.

    I comprehend that change can only come from a place of self-acceptance. I am working very hard on accepting myself as a sufficient human being JUST AS I AM. I am also committed to working on my issues. I speak with a therapist weekly, and would be willing to discuss doing couples therapy as well. If he decides to leave me, I will be OK, even though right now that thought feels very scarey and very terrible. The reality is, his leaving is not life threatening. I will go on. And, because I am committed to doing my work, I will continue to grow.

    Each couple minutes right now I am challanged to accept and then sooth my anxiety, to remind myself that I am a sufficient human being just as I am, and remember that I will survive and, through my commitment to my work on my issues, grow no matter what happens.

    Thank you for providing me a forum in which to write what is happening for me. This is a half hour I have been able to meet this current challenge consistently with strength and clarity. I am grateful for this half hour. It is a half hour of strength I have not always been able to experienced.

    My partner and I are talking in 35 hours. I will know then what his choice is.

    Reply
  2. Cell Phone Search's avatar
    Cell Phone Search
    April 11, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    Unless you are a paranoid type, there is likely something to your doubts. Stats have shown that in over 80% of cases, people who suspected infidelity were right.

    Reply
    

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