August 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
A note to parents…
Despite your best efforts at providing an encouraging and challenging environment for your children, your children will ultimately determine the degree of their success or failure as adults. Avoid the tendency to blame yourself for every problem your child faces: you are just not that powerful! Popular press will try to place almost all the blame at your door, when, in truth, your son or daughter has to make his own life productive. In the event he or she chooses not to do so, it is not the parent who ought to be blamed.
Of course there are awful parents. Of course there are absent dads. Drunken mothers. Yes. There are angry homes. Anxious environments. There are volatile, hell-homes where children are victimized, where a boy or girl would have great cause for blame. But most people do not live like this, and nonetheless, even from the worst of homes have emerged world leaders, artists, writers, teachers, nurses, and engineers.
Contrarily, I have seen parents dedicate their every waking hour to the care of their children only to have them emerge as anti-social, destructive adults.
Your children will turn out in a manner that far exceeds your capacity to parent. While offering your best, remain cognizant that your son or daughter’s future is primarily in his or her own hands.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Parenting/Children |
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August 21, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I am part of a large family of siblings ranging in age from 55 to 38. Recently one sister won the lottery, and she says that lottery counselors told her she should not give anything to her family. She has come under fire by some of her siblings about her apparent lack of generosity regarding our Mother. Please explain why psychologists recommend that family should not be given money, why siblings feel they should get a small percentage. Perhaps she should have given $10 000 to each of us.”
Your sister’s newfound wealth is her wealth – she can do with it as she wishes. Generous people are generous whether they are poor or rich. Leave your sister to decide what to do with her money – it will most certainly reveal what she is made of, and your family’s response to her newfound wealth will expose each person’s strengths and weaknesses.
Posted in Uncategorized |
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August 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
“Is it possible to love you without also losing me?” expresses the inevitable tension every close relationship faces.
“Closeness” is not usually a problem for most couples. There is usually an abundance of closeness (being overly connected, intensely joined) resulting in couples being highly reactive to each other, and it is this very closeness and lack of definition between people, that, given some time, becomes uncomfortable for at least one member of the relationship.
Remaining unique, distinct and defined within the relationship is what allows healthy, freeing love to flourish.
If couples worked enduringly at remaining unique (it is never complete) and developed their separateness, while also being deeply involved in a committed relationship, then, I believe, there’d be less need to separate (“I need my space”) at a later time when the closeness inevitably feels claustrophobic and overwhelming.
Loving you is not love if the cost of loving you means losing the essence of who I am.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
8 Comments »
August 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have been together for almost 8 years and married for 3 and half of those years. He got a new job and wanted to start working out all the time to be more muscular. He also became very distant. If he was present physically he wasn’t mentally. I began suspecting something and he would get angry. I was to go on a ‘girl’s weekend’ and take our 16-month-old little boy and right before I left he told me we should separate. When I came back he said there was another girl. He said he was with her all weekend. They kissed and nothing else happened. He told me he regretted it, began crying and called her and told her they can’t talk any more. I could look into his eyes and knew it wasn’t over and he moved out for a night. The next morning he phoned and said he wanted to come home to his family. Did I make the right choice taking him back or should I make him leave so I can start my life over?” (Shortened)
While one would not condone his behavior – all three of you (husband, wife, son) have a lot of reasons to work at this. Get face-to-face professional help, please!
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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August 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
My husband’s ex-wife seems to take their divorce lightly. There is a need for communication because of my step-daughter, however, she has become almost “too friendly” with me. For instance, she will call me up and say, “How is my ex-husband?” She is also cultivating an affection towards our kids, which makes it feel like she wants to create a psuedo family – that is, be divorced, but be a part of the entire system. In some ways, it is very difficult because it looks like it’s in the spirit of what is best for my step-daughter, yet it is quite awkward. It seems as if she (ex-wife) is needy and has definite boundary issues. I don’t know how to broach it – my husband simply ignores and detatches from her, but I don’t want her to feel rejected. We have common events to attend, not to mention friends from the same circle. Any insight would be appreciated.
ROD’S REPLY: Your husband “ignores and detaches” from his ex-wife and you “don’t want her to feel rejected” but SHE is the one with the boundary issues! I’d suggest the “entire system” (of which she IS a part) could use a boundary tune up. I challenge you both to sit down with her at a venue other than your home and define your marital boundaries so she might reassess how to mother a daughter as one who is divorced from her daughter’s father. Resist blaming this woman for boundary issues when you have hardly done much better at it yourself.
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Voice |
1 Comment »
August 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Stepchildren are not guests in the stepparents’ households but were usually there first. In the eyes of the stepchild, they are not at fault for the mess and were thrown into the disruption. Divorce is a selfish thing. However, this does not mean that they are allowed to run the house, but they need love and kindness from stepparents. I feel very unwelcome in my father’s house. I have not been allowed to have a good relationship with my father, although I have tried everything. I feel disrespected. Children really need to know that both of their parents support them. They need their stepparents to respect and support the (biological) relationship.
“A wise decision for a stepmother is to leave the discipline to the father for a time, until they have established a caring relationship with their stepchild. They need to know their stepparent will allow them to feel comfortable as part of the family and not be excluded because they are not their children. They need to be careful to not come between the child and her biological parent. They need to realize that the child just wants to feel loved and cared for by all. This requires a lot of patience and understanding.” (Edited for space)
Posted in Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Trust, Victims |
2 Comments »
August 13, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. It is addictive and temporarily eases pain from deeply felt sexual inadequacies. Like all addictions, it constantly requires more, stronger, harsher forms to be “satisfied.”
2. It is seductive, helping you avoid your sexual/relational immaturity.
3. The woman (or man) on the page or in the movie, combined with what the images stimulated in your head, will ultimately outperform the flesh-and-blood person who loves you and sever your authentic connection to intimate others.
4. It demonstrates your lack of respect for yourself and others.
5. It helps you to copout from facing the challenge of loving the real people. “Relating” to porn is easy: the images, unlike real people, don’t talk back; don’t express opinions, needs, wants, or feelings – the very essence of authentic love.
6. “Everybody does it” is neither true for helpful. Do not expect your partner to participate in sex if you use porn as a “warm up.” This is most degrading for everyone.
7. Pornography can be as damaging as an extramarital affair. Meeting “someone” in your head can be as damaging to a marriage as secret meetings with a stranger.
8. Pornography makes it “all about you,” feeding the narcissistic tendencies lurking within you. It is the antithesis of love and does nothing to serve it.
Posted in Victims, Voice |
11 Comments »
August 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
I read your articles from two weeks ago called “Next Time You Fall in Love” with some friends, and we had some interesting discussions. I like most of your thoughts, but sometimes I think that life and love are so much more complex than some steps to follow.
Of course life and love are more complex than following a few steps, but even discussions around a few sound steps are a good place to start! It is more than a lot of people do when it comes to “falling” in love.
Thinking, giving a momentary pause for consideration regarding a healthy process of “falling in love” would be quite novel for some people.
I always hesitate over using the word “falling” when it comes to romantic love, for it suggests a total lack of say or control over oneself when it comes to such matters.
Love is not as irrational as popular “thought,” literature, or culture would have us believe, and any discussions you have had regarding how love romantic operates will equip you to open your eyes to the pitfalls that come with love and all of its mysteries and complexities.
Posted in Attraction, Listening, Love |
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August 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
I am marrying a man who will not let his family take care of themselves. He feels very responsible for them and provides for his mother and sisters even though they do not really need his help. It hurts when he puts them ahead of me and I take second place. When I point this out he says I don’t understand family. What must I do? Will this change once we are married? (Letter considerably shortened and edited)
You have described a loyal man with a strong sense of responsibility, even if his need to care for his family is exaggerated.
Take your focus off him and set your sights on living a full and vibrant life. You want a husband, not a caretaker, and so I suggest you bring the full force of your personality to this relationship.
Do not compete for his attention or test him to see if you are in first or second place regarding his extended family – such behavior is immature and depletes you of the energy you need to live your own complete life. My hunch is, if you allow it, you will get similar dedication once you are married and will find it to be overbearing and controlling.
Posted in Attraction, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Listening, Love, Sex matters, Space, Trust, Voice |
10 Comments »
August 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I am 14 and live with my dad and stepmother. There is a guy (18) who is interested in me and my dad is against this. He wants me to have nothing to do with him and even told him not to phone the house or to phone my cell. Can he (my dad) do this?”
Yes. And I’d suggest you obey your father and allow him to exercise his wisdom with all your potentially romantic encounters. The four years that separate you from the person expressing interest in you, is huge – when you are 14. He is an adult – you are a child.
If the young man were 14, fifteen, or sixteen, and your parents had already known him for some years, and socialized with his family, I’d suggest that your dad leave you to enjoy the friendship as much as possible – but this is not the case.
Most parents want the absolute best for their children and it seems your father’s desire to protect you is born of love. I think you’d be wise to allow his (your dad’s) counsel to prevail. Nothing worth having will be gained from setting yourself against your father in this matter.
Posted in Teenagers |
1 Comment »
