March 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am in constant coming under emotional abuse. I wished I could get out of this 27-years of unhappy marriage. I stayed for the children. I feel I am living with a manipulative husband who has a negative effect on me. In front of other people he may look as an angel. I think only the a wife that stays with him all hours of a day can know the reality of such personality. Please help.”
Your husband’s success at manipulation and your continued cooperation go hand-in-hand. Once you change things, the marriage might not survive. Manipulative men usually run from real women!
You are crucial to initiating the change you desire.
1. Gather community: start secretly, if you must, to talk to a small group of trusted friends about what is really occurring.
2. Read widely: study books by men and women who have “been there” and learn from what they have done.
3. Make three “small” decisions, like, “I will never again lie for him, have sex I do not want, or make him look good if he is not.”
“Smaller” successes will empower you to stronger steps. He will become more manipulative as he sees he is losing control. You will become bolder and stronger until you are no longer cooperating with his unhealthy ways.
Posted in Anger, Attraction |
2 Comments »
March 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
“For the past almost four years I have been living a lie. My husband has no idea that I am involved with my boss. His wife is oblivious to our relationship. If I bring this all out in the open it will destroy two families. What can I do?”
There are no easy answers to this difficult circumstance – but your secret liaison is distorting your view of everything. Understandably, you appear to want to fix something while also keeping it hidden – and I am not sure this is possible. A good place to begin would be with removing yourself from the predatory behavior (it is predatory BECAUSE he is the boss) of your boss. Resign. Look for another job. Do whatever it takes to come out from under his influence. Way will lead to way – and, while you are yet under his spell, you will not be able to see your way forward. Come clean first with yourself. Then we can start to talk about what needs to be done about the other victims in this sad scenario.
Posted in Affairs, Boundaries, Communication |
1 Comment »
March 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
“We have a spare room with a bathroom and my husband has moved into that part of the house at my request. He’s been living there since October. He told me he had ‘a’ love for me, but didn’t love me like he should. So I grieved and then told him I couldn’t share my bedroom anymore. He understood and agreed. Neither of us wants to get divorced. The situation, while sad, is working. Someone said to me, ‘How can you begin to heal when you are in the process of being hurt?’ I knew that I needed my own space and my own room where rejection was not constant. For now it’s a solution.”
You are right – it is a temporary solution. How long can you both live like this? The bedroom is the crucible, and I’d suggest that after some meaningful discussion (including helpful conflict) both of you assess how love can realign (re-shape, change, modify) itself. You will not be the first married couple to live separate lives while sharing a house, but this does not make it less regretful. Talk. If you stop talking you could become so accustomed to living this way you will never grow beyond this point.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
March 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Spoiling a child” is more than giving him whatever he wants and creating unreasonable expectation of how the rest of life works. Such children often grow up to be self-centered, demanding adults, but humans, even those who have not been “spoiled” seem endowed with a natural propensity toward this anyway.
The real terror of spoiling a child is that he grows up without having had to develop innate skills and abilities to cope with adversity, because one or both parents (or teachers and coaches) refuse to allow natural consequences following the child’s choices to occur. Such parents (and others) constantly interject themselves as buffers between the child and what the world will naturally deliver. “They (indulgent parents) spend huge amounts of time and energy trying to separate cause and effect, behavior and consequence,” a high school football coach told me recently.
Pain is a wonderful teacher and motivator. It develops character and promotes the development of crucial survival skills. While no loving parent wants his or her child to be deliberately subjected to pain, there are enough natural moments in any childhood where “clean” pain comes to teach, and the wise parent gets out of the way and allows it to do its necessary work.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
March 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
1. To work hard in groups and to work hard alone.
2. To identify the correlation between work and achievement.
3. To freely and regularly express gratitude.
4. To connect behavior and choices with consequences.
5. To save.
6. To find his or her voice and to use it appropriately.
7. To use his or her imagination.
8. To respect elders, teachers, and persons in authority.
9. To be able to apologize and to forgive.
10. To take full responsibility for his or her own future.
11. To value the past as a springboard to the future.
12. To know that fulfillment is an “inside job.”
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Family, Leadership, Listening, Parenting/Children |
Leave a Comment »
March 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
Since you know what you are lacking, try working with her to find what she is lacking. Women often don’t have the same high sexual needs as men but that she will want to reach an accommodation with you to enable a happy marriage to continue. Suggest that you want to explore with her what she needs from the relationship and to do that you will take off the pressure of sexual demands for three months while you try to do what she needs since she is what matters to you. Women often feel that they are simply sex objects and that their husbands don’t really ‘see’ them but simply want a convenient and regular sex partner. So woo her and listen to her. Work from what you know she likes and hear what she says about things she enjoys. The fact that you are a good father and provider does not re-assure her that you love her and will go to whatever lengths are necessary to convince her – you have to walk the talk.
Try to create the space (with your wife) for easy discussions about your combined dreams, fears, enjoyments, so that in time she will be able to confide in you what she hasn’t been enjoying about sex. If she wants a back rub don’t regard it as a prelude to sex, if she suggests a weekend at the Berg don’t regard it as a second honeymoon: it is simply time for shared enjoyment. Certainly if you have been pressuring her and insisting on sex when she just wants it over with that is something you don’t want to repeat. Women tend to lose interest in sex as they age, they may still enjoy it but could live without it much more easily than could most men. Don’t expect her to initiate sex even when you get to the point of resumed sex and always honour the fact that circumstances (a quarrel, worry, tiredness) may make her unavailable. There may be a physical problem, quite easily resolved once she has the confidence that you love her, which she will talk about if your exchanges of confidences have been sufficient for her to be re-assured.
Certainly it is not your wife alone, who would need counseling, but both of you together. It is perfectly possible that you can work this out without the need of outside help since you appear to once have had a successful sexual relationship. But remember, even when things improve, constant harping on sex, excessive fondling beyond what she happily responds to, and nagging about not getting enough, will continue to be a ‘put-off’ for any woman. Please be clear that I’m not suggesting she gets to do whatever she wants in return for giving sex. I am suggesting is a ‘ceasefire’ during which good communication is re-established after which a consensual balance of relative needs is established with open communication.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility |
Leave a Comment »
March 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
Grace is easier to write and preach about than it is to exercise and embody. But it is essential for healthy living, for the building of strong families, for the well being of dynamic churches, places of worship, and even for prosperity of healthy businesses.
Grace helps me to overlook what I think is my due, my just desert, my right. It assists me to forgive, to turn the page, and to move on and let go. Grace 
empowers me to live with an open hand rather than a clenched fist. When under the spell of divine grace I can forgive others, even when forgiveness is not requested. I can write off debts, even offering gifts in place of the repayment of the debt.
A man or woman of Grace seeks to enrich the lives of those who seek to hurt him or her. Grace is evidence of divine intervention, of growth, goodness, and spiritual maturity
Yes, it is easier to write about Grace and to preach about Grace than it is to extend it at every turn, – which is, of course, all the more reason to try.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
March 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband has been acting strangely since December. I’ve been trying to pry from him whatever is bothering him, but we these talks have led to nothing. He stopped saying ‘I love you too’ on the phone, which also hurts me. I finally told him we needed a serious talk. He didn’t actually tell me that he didn’t love me, but he won’t respond. He told me he has bottled up so many emotions and problems over the past year that they just festered inside and he’s rotted away with them. He wants help but we cannot afford it right now. I’ve always told him to tell me how he feels or if something I am doing is wrong, but he just keeps everything inside. Now he is a lifeless shell that goes through the same routine every day. I want to tell him I love him but it hurts to hear ‘okay’ in response.” (Edited)
Festering inside! Lifeless shell! Rotting away? I’d suggest your husband cannot afford not to get help. Unless there are entire chapters of your husband’s life that he is not divulging, it appears your husband is battling at least some form of depression. Beg or borrow, do anything ethical to get professional help.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Marriage |
Leave a Comment »
February 25, 2009
by Rod Smith
My fiancé and I are getting married in about a year and her mother is dominating every aspect of the wedding. Because she is paying for it does it give her the right to get her way in every detail? This upsets my fiancé so much and yet she will not say anything to her about it. Please write something about this – perhaps her mother will read it and back off a little.
I applaud your attempt to triangle me, but I am going to jump out of the middle of this once I have encouraged you to see: 1. It is your wedding. 2. She is your future mother-in-law. 3. You are engaged to a woman who has a voice she might want to use.
You’d all be better served if you all started to talk directly with each other regarding how each of you sees the big day, and what role each of you has in making it happen. If you really desire your bride’s mother to have no say in the design of the wedding, pay for it yourself. A better option would be a series of prolonged, honest discussions.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
February 25, 2009
by Rod Smith
A well-respected child psychologist and his school want our son to be medicated for some problems he is having at school. He can’t seem to focus and he gets behind with his work. My husband and I are dead against it. We never had such things when we were growing up and we have heard some horror stories. What do you think?
Your resistance is understandable. By your own admission you have no experience in these matters, and there is much talk of the “over-medication” and the “unnecessary” medication of children.
Air your concerns to the psychologist and listen to his or her answers with open minds.
Your child’s health and success is of primary importance – and – you would be unlikely to resist treatment and medication if, say, he’d broken a bone or had a sinus infection.
Try to get over your understandable prejudices and get your son the help he needs.
Posted in Children, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
Leave a Comment »
