July 15, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend (21) is losing interest in our relationships. He’s not running around with other girls or anything like that. He’s just not calling as much and is choosing not to be with me. It is cold between us. I am 19 and I don’t want to be alone. How can I get this going again?” (Letter required extensive editing)
A little separation is helpful....
Allow him to enjoy his divinely imparted complete freedom. Don’t phone. Don’t plead. Don’t chase. Efforts expended to revitalize the relationship have the potential of making your work too hard. You’ll get exhausted, you will over-function, and become someone you are not. Then, whatever efforts you use to rekindle his interests will only have to be more than doubled to keep him.
You will lose yourself in his pursuit and end up with neither.
Explore your fear of being alone. Do you want this particular young man or is he an escape path for your loneliness? I’d suggest you embark upon several years without a romantic interest. Take the time develop a wide, diverse circle of friends. This will allow you to increasingly discover comfort in being “alone” and you will develop the grace to share your life with a chosen partner and enjoy a healthy, sustainable, non-anxious future.
Whatever you use to attract and keep someone, you will have to continue and increase to sustain the relationship. If a relationship doesn’t have natural energy, it will become a game of hide and seek, and “catch me if you can”. This is usually way too much work for anyone with a growing, healthy sense of self.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”
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Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.
While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.
Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.
Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.
It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 11, 2010
by Rod Smith
Childhood: just under the surface
on the school field near our home and taking turns to be the goalie. The second I stepped between the posts I was back at Kingsmead, field 4, 1965. Northlands Primary was playing Southlands Primary at the end of hard soccer season.
In the crowd was the Mayor of Durban, The Honorable Trevor Warman, in support of his son, Anthony Warman. I knew this because from where I stood urgently protecting the goals, I could see “NDC 1”, the black Rolls Royce parked at the far end of the field.
Minutes from the end of the game Southland’s formidable wing, Johnny McGregor, dribbled the ball from Mark Tovey, only to also outpace defenders Michael Quinn and Malcolm Mercer and come sprinting down center field to send the ball right through my legs and into the goal.
Forty-five years later I can feel the embarrassment of that moment. But more important than my moment of humiliation, once the whistle sounded the end of the game, the mayor himself came onto the field, hoisted me onto his shoulders and carried me off the field as if I had indeed won, and not lost, the game at all.
Posted in Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Voice |
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July 11, 2010
by Rod Smith
Life means SOME pain....
but I am pleased to say I know several men and women who are trying to kick their coffin lids open. I’ve heard the kicking and knocking; muffled thuds, and the occasional groan. These men and women are tired of being the living dead! It’s gotten old; it doesn’t suit them anymore. Being fully alive feels like a better option. So they are kicking up a fuss and trying to come back.
As I am sure you can imagine, thuds and groans from the inside of a closed coffin is a most wonderful sound, (unless of course having a partner who is dead has been helpful).
My friends have discovered it is death-giving to soft-pedal through life. They are tired of dancing to the drum of untrustworthy people and know how killing it is. It’s taken a while, but they finally discovered that death-like symptoms emerge when they place their faith in those who have repeatedly hurt, abandoned, or lied to them. Each one of my coffin-lid-kicking friends has finally seen that getting caught up in the middle of other people’s issues leads to kicking and screaming. So they are, and it is a delightful sound.
Listen closely. Is that you I hear kicking and screaming to come back to life? Ah, what beautiful music.
Posted in Anxiety, Triangles, Victims, Voice |
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July 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I think I am in love. Please give me some positive signs to affirm that I am in love rather than give me a list of warnings about what could go wrong?” (Edited)
Certainly. It will be my pleasure:
You will find communion rather than anxious attraction.....
1. You find it easy, or it seems natural, to include many of your long-lasting friendships in activities with your newfound love.
2. You are more yourself than ever – there are no eggshells to tiptoe over, no topics to avoid, no facades to perpetuate.
3. You find yourself free of any sense of control or possessiveness when it comes to your newfound love.
4. You maintain a life separate from him or her while you are also becoming closer and closer as the relationship grows.
5. You have had sustained talks about faith, finances, career options, and have discussed the hurdles that accompany matters of faith, finances, and career options.
6. You have met his or her immediate and extended family and are doing what you can to embrace and understand their culture, politics, religion, and a general sense of how they live life.
7. You can’t wait for each new day – that you may embrace the possibilities each new day offers.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Family, Grace, Leadership, Love, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Voice, Young Love |
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June 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been with my boyfriend for two years. All our arguments are about me ‘cheating.’ He wants me to delete my Facebook account and change my phone number. He is constantly tormenting me about who phoned me, ‘hit on me,’ and texts me. He’s talking marriage. Would he be the right man to live with for the rest of my life?” (Grammar modified)
The controlling / jealousy virus to which he plays host will not disappear because you get married – it will get worse. If this is how the man treats you when you are dating (when he is being most romantic) you can only imagine what he will be like when you are married.
If you want your wings permanently clipped, your hands in handcuffs, every move, friendship, and thought monitored (and you consider these manifestations of jealousy to be expressions of love) then, of course, he is the man for you.
The man needs help and you are not the one who can provide it.
Travel aside: My childhood in Red Hill exposed me to the best curry dishes on the planet. I’ve spent the last 20 years in the USA craving Natal curries! Singapore has it. I found it. Dinner in the Geylang District of this great Island Nation caused me to sweat with joy.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Friendship, Manipulation, Reactivity, Sexual abuse, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
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May 31, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. To be the most generous person you know.
2. To hold everything you own with an open hand.
3. To share everything you know with willingness.
4. To do all you can to empower the people within your circle of influence.
5. To be able to say “yes” more than “no” to the adventures that come your way (Ed Friedman)
6. To have the capacity to “see beyond” the limitations set by your family history, your nationality, and your faith story.
7. To be able to live within your means.
8. To embody forgiveness, freedom, and grace for all who will repeatedly and naturally attempt to sabotage you as you live your full and passionate life.
9. To embrace your dark side (everyone has one) by trying to understand it, accept it so that it will not need to push itself onto your center-stage and take you by surprise in response to your denial of its presence.
June 1st, 2010: Today our journey to Australia and Singapore begins. Traveling in the USA used to be a pleasure. Now it is usually a nightmare: no food on domestic flights, heavy security, frequent flight cancellations, lots of impatient “entitled” people. You can only imagine what all this means to my two boys! Hoping for two successful connections: Chicago and San Francisco.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Young Love |
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May 19, 2010
by Rod Smith
When dealing with difficult situations or difficult people…..
1. Your responses are more important than the difficulties or the problems presented. You can choose to escalate (step up) the anxiety or embrace and reduce it (step down). The latter is usually infinitely more productive, although at times, purposefully escalating issues can bring necessary change. It takes wisdom to know the difference.
2. Knee-jerk, reactive behavior will usually hurt you, while planned, creative, and honest responses will facilitate resolution and healing – if resolution and healing are even possible.
3. Not all conflicts can be resolved, nor can all painful or destructive circumstances be healed – but it is possible to allow everything we face to become a transformational crucible, a context that stimulates growth, provokes change, and transforms our character. “What can this teach me?” is a more useful response than, “How can I win?”, “How can I be vindicated?” or “How can I get out of this?”.
4. It is helpful to acknowledge that some people are so toxic, destructive, bitter, or disillusioned that resolution is impossible – and it is better to sever the relationship than it is to play with their fire. By the way, they are often the “nicest” people. Beware of nice! Be even more aware of “religious and nice.” It is often a calculated front. (“Buite blink; binne stink!” This is an Afrikaans idiom: “Outside sparkles; inside stinks.”)
5. As a general rule grace and flexibility will triumph over resentment and rigidity, forgiveness is always more powerful and liberating than harboring resentments.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Meditation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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May 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Please tell me how to love myself more than I love others. I just don’t know how. I don’t want to become selfish and rude.”
Take full responsibility for your own life.....
self-love (abdication) IS selfish and rude. Loving yourself, part of which entails taking full responsibility for yourself, is not. I am not attempting to persuade my readers to become pushy, self-centered, or demanding. I am simply suggesting that readers do not put their own lives on hold while loving or caring for another.
Self-care, self-love, self-awareness is a prerequisite for loving anyone, or anything.
Three simple starters:
1. Stop silencing your own voice. If you do or don’t like something – say so. If you do or do not want something – say so. If your voice has been silenced for a long time expressing it might take others by surprise and you might even be made fun of by those who are accustomed to your silence.
2. Write down, in a private journal, what you want from life using twenty or fewer words. What you want may not include anyone else like “I want my husband to be kind to me”. This is wanting for him, not for you. Kindness is something he has to want!
3. Speak up (cautiously at first) about anything that causes you discomfort where your involvement runs contrary with your values.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Recovery, Responsive people, Schnarch, Triangles, Voice |
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May 16, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)
I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Recovery, Schnarch, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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