January 5, 2011
by Rod Smith
Please could you tips on how to tell the difference between being “in love” with someone and being “in love with the idea of being in love.”
Being in love with the idea of being in love is essential to genuine, lasting love. Without desire the real thing has no entryway.
Genuine love, while quite able to be caught up in romantic fantasy resists losing self, self-insight, the urge for self-preservation, and the urge to self-govern. True love sacrifices, is humble, serves, can desire to move heaven and earth for another, yet it never abdicates personal responsibility or enables others to do so. It has long-haul vision. It seeks little or nothing in return, yet it is also first self-preserving. Somewhat ironically, it is able to care for itself (love itself) just a little more than it cares for a significant other.
Loving the idea of being in love tends to make us responsive to anyone who reaches out. We become somewhat ill defined and demonstrate acts of romantic desperation. We idealize the candidate whom we deem will help us fulfill that fantasy and remain committed even when faced with urgent symptoms (warnings of friends and family) suggesting the relationship is ill fated. Reality doesn’t seem to matter. It’s “I’ll-make-this-work-even-if-it-kills-me” attitude and, sadly, it often does.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Love, Trust, Young Love |
Leave a Comment »
December 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Fully live (women, too!)
do not “allow” women to have a voice, make choices, speak up to husbands – having regularly addressed men and women from such cultures for years. I remain convinced that this robs said cultures of half of its creative capital.
Keeping women “down” must be consistently challenged. Thus my suggestion the woman in yesterday’s column (12-28-2010) define herself to her husband. Of course it flies in the face of many cultures – but if she is to give of her best to herself, her husband, to anyone, speaking up to all in her context is the place to start.
What can be so threatening for some men that some are terrified if women (whom they love) makes their full contribution?
Yes. It will more than ruffle the marriage. Rather a ruffled marriage than a life-time of control, submission, manipulation, leading to intimidation, then domination – not that all men in said cultures are this way at all.
If he really “treats her like a queen” he will also grow. If not, he will reject her; even leave her. At least she’d have expressed herself as a woman and be able to achieve, albeit at great cost, her selfhood as a woman and will have discovered she requires permission from no one to BE.
PS: I have delivered lectures in several Asian countries where it seems women are strongly discouraged from expressing their voices. While trying to be as culturally sensitive as possible, I did not water down my message at all and called on all men and all women to encourage all men and all women to find, express, and use their voices. While I have had some strong kick-backs (some rejection and exclusion) I have always been invited back. I’ve even asked leaders and organizers the reasons I am invited back despite my contrary message. I am told, “Yes. Your message is dangerous for us but we still need to hear it.”
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Meditation, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
Leave a Comment »
December 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
“The ball started rolling purely because of GSAED. It is a heart-warming story, with a happy ending. Motala Heights Children’s Home is a refuge run by a residents association in an informal settlement near Pinetown. They care for 120 children between 1 and 15 years old. Their ‘Christmas Tree’ – an event eagerly looked forward to as you can imagine – was scheduled for next Tuesday – but yesterday the sponsor pulled out without warning.
“Warwick Chapman – a hugely energetic person cared enough to get involved. Through Facebook, he managed to get a R5,000 donation from one of the GSAED followers to kick the fund off. That started an avalanche of donations – from someone baking 120 cupcakes on Monday, through scores of wrapped Christmas gifts to cash donations.
“Now, one day later, it looks like the party and meal promised will be even better than was originally planned. Rod, it all comes down to the GSAED campaign. People were in the giving frame of mind – and they latched on to the opportunity as it presented itself. Thank you for opening so many people’s hearts and minds to the opportunity to give.”
A reader….
Des Ramsay
Posted in Children, Communication, Love |
Leave a Comment »
November 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My sons (22, 24) live in London and hardly ever make contact with us. This is very painful as we have always been a close family. What happens to young people when they go overseas? My friends tell me it is because sons and they are made to fly away. I am not sure who takes it worse, their father or me. If they do phone we feel we can’t say anything as it might stop the phone calls completely. Please help.” (Edited)
Some routine might help.....
on a Sunday evening, their time. If you know when to expect a call it is less likely that your anxiety will spike daily in the hopes that they will call.
Also, suggest each son establishes his own phoning routine.
The “made to fly” theory I do not think holds much water. When I have met young South Africans overseas I’ve met very busy men and women who are often working more than one job, sharing sparse accommodations, and who are busy trying to establish themselves while often longing to be at home in South Africa.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Long distance relationships, Love |
2 Comments »
October 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
Lake Geneva, Switzerland
“Thank you on behalf all my many single mother friends for the article published yesterday. Thank you for acknowledging our bravery and struggles. Thank you understanding the many roles we play and the many difficulties we overcome because of our love for our children. Thank you for noting it is near impossible to have a romantic social life as solo parents. Thank you for listing and understanding what women do not need in a potential partner or in friendly advice. I am 50 and the mother of two sons whose fathers disappeared when the going got tough.
“I have been a single mom for 32 years, and despite the challenges, long hours, and little thanks associated with the job of single mom, I have been blessed to have my sons and love them dearly. I am also proud of having still managed to forge a career, own my home, a car, and travel the world. I have recently studied to become a Life Coach. I just sit with the thought that my children did not chose to be born and hence, are entitled to the best Mom and woman I can be. One thing I know is that my son’s will make wonderful Fathers.”
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Schnarch, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
Leave a Comment »
September 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Send me your "Something Beautiful"
Write something beautiful – and send it to me.
Keep your contribution to 200 words. Pick a moment from today or from any time in your life and recount it.
I have a few motives:
1. I like to surround myself with beauty. Your writing will assist me toward that end.
2. I believe that each of our lives is a collection of its own set of miracles, its own quarry of joys and delights, even if it is, at the same time, filled with challenges.
3. I’d like to publish a few of your offerings (thus the word limit) and send a prize to the writer of the best piece.
So, have at it. I will be the sole adjudicator of your “something beautiful” submission, and, until it goes to press (if it does) your only reader.
I will send the winner his or her choice of three books: one of the Joan Anderson books I mentioned earlier this week or a copy of a book I have read every June for about 8 years: Failure of Nerve by Ed. Friedman. Please place “Something Beautiful” in the subject line of your Email or your comment. I will close submissions by Friday, October 1, 2010. I look forward to reading something beautiful from you.
Email address: Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com
Rod Smith
9/29/2010
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Therapeutic Process |
2 Comments »
September 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. Refusing to lie for you.
2. Allowing the consequences of your actions to hold you accountable.
3. Allowing you to fail.
4. Getting out of your way when you are angry so you may deal with whatever is upsetting you.
5. Refusing to rescue you from your moodiness.
6. Telling you the truth as I see it.
7. Resisting the urge to let your self-made issues pull me down.
8. Keeping my phone, Email, messages private, unless I choose to share.
9. Allowing myself to be happy and fulfilled even if you are not.
10. Supporting, loving you, while allowing my uniqueness (and your uniqueness) to blossom.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Womanhood |
1 Comment »
August 25, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My daughter (24) has started seeing a man no one in the family likes. Surely she should see this as a ‘red flag’? Do you think we should have a big meeting and all tell her what we see and then let her take it from there?”
See your dislikes as a challenge
to announce that you (the members of your family) are all separate people. Each of you is probably perfectly capable of loving and embracing persons who are very different from the persons others of the family may choose. You can do this all without falling apart as a family.
Letting your daughter know what you see, think, and feel individually might prove helpful to those who feel the need to deliver this message, but I think I’d avoid the big meeting at this time.
I’d suggest you challenge yourselves to love whomever your daughter loves and use your differences as a source of growth.
Posted in Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Love |
2 Comments »
August 18, 2010
by Rod Smith
Here are 7 signs you might be too close or over-parenting your child (or children):
Have surrendered your power to your child?
1. Your child is central to all your conversations. Every conversation, no matter how initially unrelated, ultimately includes or returns to the topic of your child.
2. You deeply desire to be your child’s friend and so you avoid difficult issues, necessary conflicts and confrontations.
3. You find yourself in the middle, trapped between your partner and your child, your ex and your child, teachers (coaches, mentors) and your child, your parents and your child. You are a self-appointed shield and therefore attempt to fend off essential opportunities for helpful pain and growth, necessary for all children to become healthy adults.
4. Your child is the stake in the ground to which you are tethered and around which you function. Everything is about your child, all of your social life (if you have one at all), your interests, activities; everything is focused around your child.
5. Your primary adult relationship (with your spouse or partner – you might have forgotten that this is in fact your primary relationship) sometimes gets in the way of your role with your child and almost all of the time you choose your child and feel guilty if you do not.
(Tomorrow: Steps to healthy parent-child separation)
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, High maintenance relationships, Love, Step parenting, Teenagers |
3 Comments »
July 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My younger brother (19) just got out of jail with nowhere to go because our mother has kicked him out for good. He walked to my dad’s who, with loving arms opened his home to his him. He has been here for four weeks but after two weeks he picked back up on his old life: smoking pot, stealing money from us, lying, not coming home, and lying more. My mother (our parents are divorced) catered to this lifestyle for about two years until she had nothing left. I cannot bear to see this happen to my dad. My brother is the sweetest kid in the whole world but a habitual liar and a thief. I have begged my dad to kick him out but he is still under the illusion that his son might change.”
Rod in about 1962!
as all of you have over your brother. It took your mother two years to reach a point that you want for your father to reach in a month. Until your brother sees the light and your father sees his enabling role, all of you better lock your valuables in a safe place.
Do all you can to stay out of the middle, to allow your brother and father to have to face each other, and increase your tolerance for your father’s pain. While this might sound hard or uncaring, nothing will change for your family while everyone is doing what everyone has always done The healthiest person in the family usually holds important keys for beginning transformational processes, and it can’t happen without the willingness to upset the applecart, and sometimes, even watch it crash.
While ANYONE but your brother assumes responsibility for your brother, he will continue to use behavior that has worked for him in the past – and something must be working if he keeps repeating it.
It is important for you to see that you are not responsible for either of these grown men in your life. You are responsible to each, but not for each – understanding the difference will make a world of difference for you and even potentially for your father and your brother.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 