December 22, 2008
by Rod Smith
“As I write my girlfriend is on holiday with her two daughters and her ex-husband. She planned the trip to be with just the girls and when they went to pick up something from his house he was already packed and asked to leave with them. Not wanting to cause a fight in front of the girls, she said it was fine, and they left together. They are away now. She tells me she has no feelings for him and she wishes I were there instead. She wants to have a good relationship with the ex for the sake of the girls. I will pray to God and let Him guide me as He always has. If she is truthful, then everything is fine. In my gut, I know that boundaries take time to establish themselves. I have been trying to take my mom’s advice, “Get to know her, focus on yourself.” I feel at peace. We are neither married, nor engaged. We can change our minds at anytime. If I find that she has lied, or is untrustworthy in anyway, I will move on, having conducted myself in a kind, and unselfish way.”
I love your mother’s advice. Such thinking will save you a lot of pain and avert a lot of damaging anger.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships |
Leave a Comment »
April 9, 2008
by Rod Smith
“Our daughter has a great boyfriend. They are being wise. She has concerns about his feelings of insecurity and poor self-image. She is sometimes inclined to break up with him. However, he is very kind and they get on very well. I’ve recommended that she challenge him to get help as a pre-condition to marriage – rather than hoping that they will improve with time. I wonder if it is better rather that she give the relationship, or give him, more of a chance by saying that if he changed they could stay together. She is reluctant to challenge him for fear of doing him permanent damage, making his issues worse, and she wonders where ‘unconditional love’ comes into the question?” (Edited length only)
His “condition” will not improve with time, and it will not improve unless he becomes intimately engaged in a process of self-discovery, quite unrelated to your daughter. She is NOT the key to his emotional salvation. His growth should not be offered as a way to keep the relationship. Together or not, the young man will have to look at his fragile being and come to grips with what he offers the world.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
1 Comment »
February 13, 2008
by Rod Smith
“A diabetic family member injects himself with insulin several times a day. He exposes his belly and then administers his dose using a pen-like syringe. He often does this at the table and at family gatherings, which I don’t have an issue with. However, he also does it openly in public at restaurants and I get terribly embarrassed! I’m not quite sure what my issue is; I think it is the fact that he is doing something which I feel should be private (like clipping toenails or flossing teeth) in an inappropriate setting. Am I being silly and uncaring? It would be easier to broach this subject with him if I was confident of my stand, as I would hate to run the risk of hurting him if I am the one who needs help to correct a bad attitude! What do you think?”
I do not believe you are being silly or uncaring. He is, in my opinion, being crass and insensitive. If the man can find his way into a restaurant, he can make his way to the gents (men’s room, restroom, WC, loo, bathroom – depending on where you are reading this!) to administer his insulin. Addressing him directly, privately, firmly, and graciously, will probably have your whole family (even those who claim it doesn’t bother them) sighing with relief!
(4/25/09) I am sorry. You (the past two readers leaving helpful comments) are correct. My response as published above was indeed ignorant and insensitive. I regret the advice given now that I have had these responses and done some further thinking on the matter. I am pleased to say that this particular column had received very little traffic until now. I could delete it but I am not going to do that. I will leave it in this space, with your comments, so others may see my insensitivity and we (others who are also insensitive) may continue to learn about an issue abut which I clearly displayed much ignorance. Please accept my apologies, and let’s continue the dialogue.
Posted in High maintenance relationships, Voice |
4 Comments »
February 10, 2008
by Rod Smith
Jealousy will remove purity from your relationship. Since jealousy expresses the very opposite of trust, once the jealousy virus entrenches itself (which it usually does perversely in the name of love) you and your relationship will become something you do not want to be. Freedom will be displaced by resentment.
The jealous person will behave in ways other than preferred and will become progressively controlling, demanding, and quite unattractive. In response, the victim will begin to behave in ways other than preferred, and, over time, will lose his or her self-respect. Love that might once have existed will be replaced with resentment and regret.
Of course, he or she can’t be authentic, relaxed, honest, and off-guard when driven by jealousy. And, of course, the “victim” of jealousy cannot be authentic, relaxed, honest, and off-guard when he or she knows suspicious eyes are monitoring every move.
To be free, and if the individuals and the relationship are to survive, the virus has to be named, exposed, expelled, and then consistently resisted. The victim must learn to refuse to obey its demands and must remain out of control. The perpetrator must learn that the behavior he or she believed would sustain the relationship will rip it to irreparable shreds.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice |
5 Comments »
February 2, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife still tries to dominate me and interfere in my life. I have moved on and have a new woman. My teenage daughter and I have a very good relationship but whenever my ex-wife is around I am reminded why I divorced her. How do I get her to understand she is divorced and must get a life of her own?”
Your mutual connection, the daughter whom you co-parent, will remain integral to both of your lives. It will therefore be to the advantage of all concerned if you remain kind, forthright and strong in all of your dealings with the woman whom you once loved enough to marry.
Include your “new woman” in as many interactions with your ex-wife as possible. This will serve as a constant reminder to your ex-wife that you have, in fact, moved on.
As an aside, I’d suggest that while your ex-wife’s behavior continues to elicit a strong reaction from you, you may not have “moved on” as much as you might think.
You remain as powerless over your ex-wife as you were when you were yet married. I’d suggest you take time to evaluate the reasons she can so effectively get under your skin. What is it about you, that her behavior so gets to you?
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships |
2 Comments »
January 21, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Be aware of the unique, honored position I have in your life, and regard it with the respect it deserves.
2. Hear you, even if you are telling me things I’d rather you not say.
3. Be willing to disagree with you, when, in my estimation, you are wrong, off target, or unfair in your actions or thinking.
4. Forgive you when you hurt me, even though I will sometimes make it very clear to you how the hurt occurred.
5. Expect the very best of you and applaud your use of all of your skills and talents.
6. Tell you the truth as I see it, as kindly, efficiently, and succinctly as possible.
7. Live my life as purposefully as possible in my daily journey toward fulfilling the deepest, most powerful yearnings of my head and heart.
8. Be generous to you (without giving you money) and be kind to you (without trying to solve your problems).
9. Not inflict my anxiety upon you.
10. Stand on my own two feet without pushing you over.
11. Engage you in necessary conflict that I may love you more powerfully.
12. Speak well of you in every circumstance.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Teenagers, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
2 Comments »
December 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
My elderly mother was very upset at Christmas because my brother (32) and I (29) are not speaking (to each other) and so we came to Christmas Day at her house at different times to make it easier for her. We didn’t plan to come at different times: it is something we’ve worked out without actually talking about it. Now she is not speaking to me. Please help. (Letter shortened)
Given your capacity communicate without “actually talking” with your brother, I’d suggest you each also possess the ability to find enduring reconciliation. I will remind you that it is likely that you will have a brother for longer than you will have a mother.
Finding peace with a brother, quite apart from alleviating the pain the schism inflicts upon your mother, is usually a good and healthy thing to do.
When families are split it is the stronger person, and not the guilty person, or the “problem” person, who holds the keys of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Approach your brother in a spirit of humility: it might surprise how open he is to embracing his estranged sibling, and, at the same time, you will each be giving your mother a belated Christmas gift she will not stop talking about.
Posted in Family, High maintenance relationships |
1 Comment »
December 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My friend and I talk on the phone a lot. Yesterday I was very busy and I forgot to phone. When I did he reamed me out like I was a schoolboy who did not do his homework. What do you think I should do?”
Apologize. Call him exactly on time the next time. Tell him you were very busy and that you are sorry for your insensitivity. Remind him that adults are better off when they offer each other the leeway to be late, opportunity to be wrong, and even the room to sometimes be insensitive.
Remind him your forgetfulness was not the result of malicious intent, but the result of being very busy. Tell him you love him, that you are pleased to be his friend, but that friendship with him would be very much more rewarding (for both of you) were he to grow up, develop a thicker skin, and resist talking to you as if you were a schoolboy who’d not done his homework.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
Leave a Comment »
December 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
- Deliver your own news – good or bad. Don’t use others as carrier pigeons.
- Try not to keep people waiting. While it is sometimes unavoidable, effort on your part to be punctual will speak volumes about you.
- Find a way to remember people’s names. You’ll be surprised how much it will do for you.
- Spend less than you earn, and save some money every month. Nothing kills enduring happiness as efficiently as debt.
- Get out of the middle of other people’s relationships. Avoid being triangled. Remember Piggy in the Middle is not much fun for Piggy.
- Tell the truth as kindly and as efficiently as possible.
- Do something dangerous or scary every day.
- Say yes more than you say no.
- Write. There’s a novel within you awaiting an escape.
- Read.
- Err on the side of trusting too much than on the side of trusting too little.
- Say please and thank you as often as possible.
Posted in High maintenance relationships, Love, Responsive people |
4 Comments »
December 5, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I want to save my marriage. Our situation has risen to a new level with issues of jealously and trust. He takes my car keys, he checks up on me, I no longer have friends around, and am no longer allowed ‘ladies nights.’ My brother is not allowed to visit. My husband doesn’t want children. He picks on me constantly. He complains that I don’t give him enough sex. He checks on my cash slips so I don’t spend too much money. I have the urge to run and run. I was independent and a professional artist but he took it away. I am constantly walking on eggshells not to upset him. He turns things around so I look bad. Please help. (Minimal edits for space)
Dance on the eggshells, invite your brother, and make a spare set of car keys, invite friends to visit, go out as often as you want. Initiate sex only when YOU want sex. Take back your power or this will never be a marriage. Control is never love so stay out of it. Get your life back: you are a wife, not a prisoner. His jealousy is HIS issue. Don’t make it yours. Until you focus on your behavior and not on his, this marriage will not improve.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Grief, High maintenance relationships |
4 Comments »
difficultrelationships.com 