April 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My parents were very happily married and did everything together. My mom and dad would never go anywhere without the other. I know times have changed and every marriage is unique and I know my husband is not the same as my father, but he (my husband) thinks nothing of planning short golf trips with his friends at least three times a year. He usually encourages me to do some kind of similar trip with my friends. Apart from his involvement in sport, which takes up so much time, I think we are very happy. Please comment.” (Letter edited)
I’d suggest you offer your husband all the support possible in order that he may freely pursue his golf and his friends. Find an absorbing interest of your own so that when he is away and playing golf, you do not place your life on hold.
The greater your genuine ease with your husband’s interests, the less likely it is that these interests will be a point of stress for each of you in your marriage. I should think that a golf course would be a very attractive sanctuary of peace and tranquility if it also must become a necessary escape from a difficult spouse!
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Forgiveness, Victims |
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March 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …
- Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
- Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
- Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
- Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
- Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
- Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
- Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
- Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
- Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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March 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair and we now live together. It was very passionate. I was the true love he’d been looking for his whole life. Being divorced myself, this was also very thrilling for me. It really was, despite all the secrecy of our relationship, and it was the time when our relationship was at its best. We argue more now than we ever did while we were having an affair. I understand that things would ‘cool down’ but sometimes I think he regrets leaving his wife. Do you think he might have another affair and cheat on me?”
Please write, I'm reading...
They seduce the participants from their real issues and offer a false sense of belonging. The intensity you describe was probably not the product of authentic love, but of the secrecy and deceit required to maintain the affair. Adrenalin and anxiety combined can feel very much like the kind of love for which you have always longed.
Of course he might regret his divorce. Just as you too have discovered, he may also be reminded that his new domestic set up is not all he believed it would be. Since each of you is capable of cheating, as you have already demonstrated, of course it is possible for each of you to betray each other with someone else.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Love, Manipulation, Marriage |
4 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Someone who loves you will…
- almost always put their cellular phone off when you are together
- not avoid or screen your phone calls or check up on who you have been phoning
- not lie to you
- make eye contact when you speak and listen to what you are saying
- say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot
- not tell you what you need or should do
- seldom mind if you keep them waiting, but will work hard at being prompt for you
- not mind if there are things you’d prefer not to tell them
- usually ask you about your day
- laugh at your jokes even if the jokes are older than your grandfather
- work hard at loving your extended family even if it is only out respect for you
- encourage you to have many close friends
- enjoy seeing you using your skills and talents
- not tell you how to dress
- enjoy working together on the mundane daily tasks of life (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
- show appreciation on days other than birthdays, holidays and anniverseries (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
- take care of body, mind, and spirit (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
- keep the faith with you in hard times (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
- have patience not to give up, or leave, when business problems arise (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
- have ability to imagine what it’s like in the other person’s shoes before criticizing (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
- not try to change you (this and the following 3 are from “Mmmm”)
- remember the little things that matter in your life
- want to know the important people in your life
- introduce you to the important people in his/her life to show you are important
- will do, using the best of his/her ability, tasks that you ask him/her to do, even if he/she doesn’t enjoy the tasks and if they are a hassle or have no promise of any reward (From Joe at funkeemonk.com)
- has integrity, and will not say things just to make you feel better – even if they believe it to be untrue (www.funkeemonk.com/blog)
- will not insist on their way all the time
- will be kind to your friends
- will be careful with your feelings (www.lisamm.wordpress.com)
Posted in Communication, Forgiveness, In-laws, Recovery, Triggers, Trust, Voice |
8 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My girlfriend was very sexually active before we met. Jealousy often rages in me. She won’t tell me about any of her past relationships and it feels to me like she still prefers other men.
ROD’S REPLY: I predict that the more this eats at you, the more you will want to know. The more she tells you, 0r refuses to tell you, the more you will ask. Every detail she divulges will haunt you, and finally, your obsessions will silence her. When she is silenced, you will claim that she has something to hide or that she still has “feelings” for some guy she probably no longer even knows. This is your issue, not hers.
Shakespeare did not call jealousy the “the green eyed monster” for nothing. Try to get over it. If you want this relationship to grow in a healthy manner, you had better understand what is, and is not, your business. Jealousy over relationships that predate you is unreasonable. Her behavior then, is none of your business, now.
I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Forgiveness, Past relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence |
6 Comments »
February 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
Notes from a conversation…
“I read and hear a lot of warnings to young men about how to behave with and respect women. I see almost nothing about how young men can also be hurt by women who almost always seem to cast themselves as the victims,” says David (26)
“Tell me more,” I respond.
“More than once I have dated a woman and been very honest and very faithful – while the woman I am seeing is cheating on me behind my back. Then, when it comes out, she assumes a kind of ‘victim mode’ where the man was predatory and she did not know what to do. Then I find out it is not the first time.”
“Why do you think this is not addressed, David?”
“Because it is not cool or manly to admit you have been hurt by a woman. It is not manly to say you were a victim and innocent and felt a lot of pain from what your girlfriend did to you. I wish someone would write and speak about how young men feel after they have been hurt by a woman when they have been innocent and trying to do the right thing.”
(Reconstructed with permission).
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Forgiveness, Triggers, Trust, Victims |
1 Comment »
January 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
It appears you seek reconciliation. That takes at least two people. Forgiveness takes one. Apparently you have tried to do your part in releasing and forgiving one who has hurt you. That he or she will not reciprocate does not dilute your gracious act. In the short term it may be less meaningful for you, for you want reconciliation, but the power of forgiveness will still be yours. Forgiveness, both giving and receiving, are a deep matters of the human head and heart. Forgiving takes humility. Receiving it takes greater humility.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Re-marriage, Space, Voice |
3 Comments »
December 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for 25 years with ups and downs like most marriages. I’m at a point where I want to be alone. There has been too much baggage from our past marital problems, which seem intolerable. I will devastate a lot of people if I leave my husband but I want to. I’m 45 years old and feel I want a fresh start. Not with another man, just with myself so I can find the self I lost somewhere along the line. The longer I stay, the more I realize how hard it is going to be. I have two sons who live on their own. It’s just my husband and me. I am finding it difficult to stay. I want a change. Is it okay to be so selfish?” (Edited)
Please, pass this on...
This is the greater challenge. While I will agree that some marriages are irredeemable, it is the best place to begin looking for the person you feel has been lost.
Wanting to be fulfilled is not selfish. Many marriages reach a time and place when one of the partners desires to discover the person perceived to have been lost in the marriage.
Posted in Boundaries, Divorce, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Violence, Voice |
9 Comments »
September 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
If one spouse forgives the other for cheating, why does it (always) get brought up in conversations long after the cheating has ended and after the forgiveness has been granted? (Question asked “online”)
Here are four, of many, reasons:
1. Sexual infidelity severely wounds people (all people involved) and relationships on many levels. Its power to shake life ought never be underestimated. Betrayal cuts a deep wound and often dislodges the capacity for future trust. (This is for the victims and the perpetrators!)
2. Because of the intense intimacy that can accompany the sex act, the betrayed spouse might go on a quest to know if the “stolen sex” led his or her partner into deeper levels of intimacy than were achieved within the marriage.
3. The forgiver will probably interpret silence (or anger, or even “over” focus) as an indication the affair did not really cease, or that it has been re-ignited.
4. Talking can connect people, and it can (but does not always) offer hurt people a sense of legitimate control and order. People who have been betrayed often want to talk about their experience (hurt, pain) as an attempt to stop their lives from (the feeling of) running totally out of control.
Men and women who have participated in infidelity, and who yet have a forgiving spouse who is willing to work on the marriage, are encouraged to talk openly about anything the forgiving spouse may want talk about. There are some necessary limits to this which I will go into in another posting.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Forgiveness, Listening, Marriage, Voice |
9 Comments »
July 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
Forgive expansively. Commit specific and intentional acts of kindness. Despite the cliché, there is nothing at all “random” about acts of true, authentic kindness.
Write about your life in small, honest, vignettes. Make a list of the people who have most inspired you, then send them handwritten notes of thanks. If possible, go back to the neighborhood where you grew up and visit old memories, even if they are painful, and, even if everything has changed.
Find and thank the schoolteachers, sports coaches and youth leaders who inspired you.
Get as close, over time, to at least three healthy people (around your own age and of your own gender) as they will allow. Over extended time, and without being too overbearing or pushy, try to tell them everything. In return, listen.
Also, get close to at least three people who are of the opposite sex. Healthy men and women can and do enjoy opposit-sex-relationships that are not in any manner physical or romantic. Such relationships, especially if you are married, ought not be avoided. These relationships may not necessarily include your spouse, but neither will your spouse be intentionally excluded.
Posted in Forgiveness, Marriage |
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