Ending my marriage to find myself…

by Rod Smith

“I have been married for 25 years with ups and downs like most marriages. I’m at a point where I want to be alone. There has been too much baggage from our past marital problems, which seem intolerable. I will devastate a lot of people if I leave my husband but I want to. I’m 45 years old and feel I want a fresh start. Not with another man, just with myself so I can find the self I lost somewhere along the line. The longer I stay, the more I realize how hard it is going to be. I have two sons who live on their own. It’s just my husband and me. I am finding it difficult to stay. I want a change. Is it okay to be so selfish?” (Edited)

Please, pass this on...

Please, pass this on...

Try first to salvage yourself within your marriage. This is the greater challenge. While I will agree that some marriages are irredeemable, it is the best place to begin looking for the person you feel has been lost.

Wanting to be fulfilled is not selfish. Many marriages reach a time and place when one of the partners desires to discover the person perceived to have been lost in the marriage.

9 Comments to “Ending my marriage to find myself…”

  1. 25 years of marriage is an intergal part of who you are and even if you did seperate yourself from the marriage you still are who you are today because of those 25 years and nothing will change that. What I am saying, is if you are looking for that 20 year old girl, she is still there inside of you, however you can never truly be her again because of all of the life experiences you have had. Quetions to ask yourself:
    1. Who do you want to be?
    2. How would you be able to acheive that better by yourself?
    3. What do you think you are missing of your former self?
    4. How could you be more yourself within your marriage?
    5. What changes could you make within your relationship with your husband which would allow you more “you time”?
    6. Who do you hope to find (do you have an image of the person you want to be)?

    Have you tried meditation? Learning how to meditate and allowing yourself to truly meditate will help you to answer many of the questions that you have and also help you re-tune into yourself.

    Remember the only real restricitons you have are the ones you impose on yourself.

  2. I too faced similar experiences with an older sister. While still in the relationship, I began to detatch with love, carefully monitoring unrealistic expectations that I harbored for her behavior toward me. As a result, I began to take self responsibility. Once I realized that I as looking for validation,acceptance and appreciation from her which I can just as easily get for myself, I was able to see that she, like my mother were incapable of giving to others, They were both so damaged by negative life experiences that they just didn’t have it in them to give.Unless you’re able to stay in the relationship and experience these unrealistic expectations we harbour for others, we tend to be magnetized to similar personalities and repeat the same pattern in another relationship much to our increased disappointment and disillusionment.

  3. so did she ever leave?i’m in the same boat..same age and it’s been 25 years..but our sons are still home..one 22 and the other 15..i want out..so bad..but depended too much on my husband for two many years..was a stay at home mom..in the long run i ended up recenting my husband..because of it…
    help!

  4. Seems as though many of us women in long-term marriages reach a point of just wanting out. You don’t want to hurt anyone, you just feel a desperate need to be free of all the baggage heaped upon you over the years. I’m there at 56 after 36 years of marriage and three grown kids. How do I do it and look at myself in the mirror tomorrow morning? For now I just sit and cry a lot. No big reasons, I’m just worn out.

  5. I am in a similiar situation. I have been married for 50 years; have experienced 2 betrayals by my husband with the same woman and have taken him back both times and have despertely tried to repair our marriage. The first time we had only been married just a short time and did not go to counseling. The second time we were married for a much longer time more the 40 years and we did go to counseling. My problem is not so much the infidelitey as his constant verbal, mental and emotional abuse. At first when it started at long time ago, I did not notice it, He passed it off as just picking. But slowly but surely I began to pick up on it and over the years it has gotten worse and now I just cannot take any more!!! I want out!!!! We have three beautiful children, 2 boys and 1 girl and 4 grand children, 1 boy and 2 girls. Two of the granddaughters live very close to us and we get to see them every day. There are the light of our eyes and they can see what Pop does to Nana and they even say things back to him about it. If any of you have any help or suggestions I would appreciate your help.

    Thanks,

  6. i am in constant emotional abuse, i wished i could get out of this 27 years unhappy marriage, i stayed for the kids, tried to help them , the young kid is 9years, i feel i am living with a manipulative husband, he has a negative effect on me, in spite in front of people he may look as an angel, i think only the wife that stay with him 24h only can know the reality of such personality,

  7. Wow! I never knew things could get that bad. I was only married for 11 years and I didn’t feel that way although I was very unhappy, had an affair, and then got a divorce. Now, I’m not sure I would want to get married after hearing about your experiences. Why did we ever event marriage in the first place? I guess to have children and be accepted socially. I’m trying to establish myself – get to know myself and realize I will probably be alone for awhile.

  8. I’m married 4 years and in the our marraige my husbands father died but the funny thing is that. He keeps on telling my I’m stupid and tries to openly manipulate me in the compnay of people … His behaviour ghets really bad when he gets his salary then he tries to throw his weight around instead of taking care of the household needs … The absue is on such a wide spectrum that I cannot process in my mind that love was ever suppose to be so vile. Finding yourself in marraige?? I have a concern about that because it comes at the expense of the children and its as if them being exposed to the arguments and the spectrum of abuse is a groomoing proceSs for future abuse. I’m so scared for my two girls becoming so use to the abuse that they will choose the same kind of partner one day. Ot paralysing to thing of chaning and finding meself because I’ve become so jaded by this situation .. I be myself but the situation will still be the same

  9. I’m married 4 years and in the our marraige my husbands father died but the funny thing is that. He keeps on telling my I’m stupid and tries to openly manipulate me in the compnay of people … His behaviour ghets really bad when he gets his salary then he tries to throw his weight around instead of taking care of the household needs … The absue is on such a wide spectrum that I cannot process in my mind that love was ever suppose to be so vile. Finding yourself in marraige?? I have a concern about that because it comes at the expense of the children and its as if them being exposed to the arguments and the spectrum of abuse is a groomoing proceSs for future abuse. I’m so scared for my two girls becoming so use to the abuse that they will choose the same kind of partner one day. Ot paralysing to thing of chaning and finding meself because I’ve become so jaded by this situation .. I be myself but the situation will still be the same

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