My boyfriend is very jealous – he says it is natural…

by Rod Smith

My boyfriend is very jealous. I cannot make phone calls, read email or go out for lunch without him becoming enraged. He says this is natural and it will change after we are married.

dsc_0642He is wrong on both counts: it is not “natural.” It will not change when you marry. It will become worse. So, if you want your “wings” trimmed go ahead and marry him. At least you know what you are getting into and you can prepare for a life of conflict over your natural desire to know and relate to other people (including males). It is natural to want friends of both genders, to widen your interests and to sometimes want to explore the world with people other than your spouse. There are sufficient “red flags” that I’d suggest you run a mile from this guy until he grows up, gets some confidence about himself, sees that his jealousy will destroy the relationship he says he values. Do not change your behavior that he says is making him jealous. His jealousy has nothing to do with your behavior. He has the feeling – he has the problem. Do not try to solve his problem. You might as well try and “swing from a star.”

Added 4/11/09: There are many other later columns about jealousy on this website. Please do a search for them.

Reader, in the event you wish to talk, send me an Email and I will make time for you.

6 Comments to “My boyfriend is very jealous – he says it is natural…”

  1. Rod is so right! Your boyfreinds behavior will only get worse after you are married. This is his problem not yours (unless of course, you decide to stay in this type of relationship). These are huge red flags! Run while you can!
    Review Rod’s extensive articles for excellent examples of people in similar situations.


    From experience of seeing others cheat it always comes down to selfishness.

  3. Most of the time jealous men either have some real mental/security issues, or are cheating themselves and projecting the guilt onto you in the form of jealousy.
    Snoop around, see if you find clues that he his cheating. See if there are suspicious phone numbers on his cell, etc. There may be more trouble than his jealousy to deal with.
    Then again, maybe he just needs to spend sopme time on a couch in a shrink’s office.

  4. I’ve been there and married it. Jealousy does not get better with age. I thought when I dated him, he will get better when we married because he’ll know I’m truly committed. It didn’t. I thought it would get better when I had his children because surely he would understand my committment. It didn’t. I thought if we could see a therapist it would get better. It didn’t. I divorced him 12 years into the marriage. Until he sees the problem and wants to change, your life will not get better with him in it.

  5. My boyfriend is very jealours because i comment my friend picture in facebook and yet he want to break up with me because of that, is this normaly or what, ? Am i wrong doing that? he always has suspicious that he will lose me, yet i dont want to choice anyone else than him. everytime he like to get despute with small things, he want to marry me how can i have peace if i get marry with him. everytime we argue he tells me its over after he tell he loves again, what can i believe how do i continue this relationship? help me please

  6. i am totaly confused about this my relationship with my boyfriend. please am 20yrs old i need peace with my relationship, i dont deserve this kind of despute, i like to make him happy but when i am thinking good things he things bad, we are totaly orphan i need to be happy whatever advice you give me i will follow it, he loves me, he cries for me, i love him too, how can i change his jealous to normal? he always afraid to lose me when my friends commenting my pictures i do comment too, if any guy greets me thats it he change his mood completly.

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