August 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
“Is it possible to love you without also losing me?” expresses the inevitable tension every close relationship faces.
“Closeness” is not usually a problem for most couples. There is usually an abundance of closeness (being overly connected, intensely joined) resulting in couples being highly reactive to each other, and it is this very closeness and lack of definition between people, that, given some time, becomes uncomfortable for at least one member of the relationship.
Remaining unique, distinct and defined within the relationship is what allows healthy, freeing love to flourish.
If couples worked enduringly at remaining unique (it is never complete) and developed their separateness, while also being deeply involved in a committed relationship, then, I believe, there’d be less need to separate (“I need my space”) at a later time when the closeness inevitably feels claustrophobic and overwhelming.
Loving you is not love if the cost of loving you means losing the essence of who I am.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
8 Comments »
July 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
I’ve had a ‘significant other’ for 3 years. We bought a home together. He has his boys (12 and 14) half the time. I have a son (5). I am having problems with dad not taking responsibility for his boys. He has no boundaries and his children do what ever they want. When I discipline I’m ‘meddling.’ Dad does not discipline at all. I feel like I’m the guest. It’s a mess. Why are fathers so passive? It’s hard for a step-mom to do nothing. (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: The passive partner controls the relationship. While you over-function he’ll under-function!
I am willing to bet you spent more time choosing a house than discussing rearing children! You are NOT the stepmother without marriage – and will have no legitimate role with his children without a marriage to their father.
But, I’d suggest marriage is not the answer to this co-created mess. Your mess is not only a result of his passivity, but also a result of your apparent failure to open your eyes before making such a big move!
Bold, blind moves got you to this point. It will take bold, brave moves to get out! I hope this can be acheived without excessively hurting the children.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Communication, Family, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Voice |
1 Comment »
May 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Call me...
1.
Set career, academic, and health
goals for yourself, and then work hard to
achieve them.
2. Develop a network of
diverse and supportive friends.
3.
Challenge your husband to be a
mutual, respectful, and equal partner in every aspect of your relationship.
4.
Resist any forms of i
ntimacy you do not find pleasing or comfortable.
5.
Believe in your husband’s honesty and
integrity by refusing to lie or cover for him no matter how seemingly justifiable the lie or a cover-up might be.
6. Don’t work harder at
his family relationships (on his behalf) than he, himself does.
7.
Talk to him about what you
see, think, and feel regarding matters that are important to you, and offer him the opportunity to do the same with you in return.
8.
Resist making him appear to be a
better father than he really is. If you help him save face with the children he might never need to step up to the plate and be all the dad he could be.
9.
Be interdependent by finding fulfillment both within your marriage and as an individual. Enjoy being both a mother and wife without losing your capacity to enjoy life outside of each of these wonderful roles.
10.
Maintain your voice under all circumstances while realizing that not everything you think or see or feel needs to be expressed.
Posted in Communication, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Recovery, Voice |
8 Comments »
May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
16 Comments »
April 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My elderly mother, who has a nice home and everything she needs, is very unkind to me. Sometimes she is cruel and uses a lot of guilt to keep me visiting her. I am in my forties and would prefer not to see her. What do you suggest I do? (Situation abbreviated from longer letter)
Rod Response: There is no good reason to tolerate cruelty from anyone source – not even your mother. If you cannot do it face-to-face, tell her in a brief letter that you will visit her on condition that she keeps the rule of regarding you with utmost respect and kindness.
When, and if, you decide to visit, make a polite exit the very moment she engages in unacceptable behavior.
While your mother is elderly, she is yet highly functional in so many areas of her life, and therefore also capable of monitoring her unacceptable behavior. Allowing your mother to inflict abusive behavior upon you is honoring to neither of you. Remember, a person cannot get rid of behavior that he or she continues to feed.
Contact: Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or http://www.DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Space, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
April 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Last week my in-laws were visiting us and expressed disapproval about how my husband was handling our thirteen-year-old son. They did not take the time to hear the full story behind out mutual decision to discontinue our son’s enjoyment of some privileges. My husband felt very down and he has brought it up several times in the week. Should I talk to his mother about this? We are very close. It was so unusual for his parents to interfere and take sides. It made my husband look like we were much more strict than we really are and my son now feels he’s got his grandparents on his side. My husband did not cave into the pressure he felt. Please comment. (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: I’d suggest you let this event pass without further reference. If anyone wants to bring it up suggest your husband do it face-to-face, and alone, with his parents. By your own admission, this was out of character for your in-laws. It seems your son might have the sense of having his grandparents on his side (which is hardly a bad idea) while still being firmly aware that it is his parents who hold the final say on the important matters pertaining to his life.
Posted in Family, In-laws |
1 Comment »
March 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Order it now... link on the right
“My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore last August. I knew it was because of another woman. It escalated from text messages, chats, and emails between them. It was so out of his character and so I blamed myself. We went to a church counselor and it completely saved our marriage. I have him back after six months of a woman bugging him to death. She’s a single mom who has never been married so I can see why she was after my husband. Now we are pregnant by his choice and mine! Things are better now and I want everyone to know,with a willing husband and the right counselor, things can get better. I read the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It changed my life and how I act towards my husband. There’s hope for people who think life has no hope. I’m a living example!” (Letter edited)
Rod’s Comment: Family preservation and restoration are causes for celebration. Congratulations. You helped turn a tough and hurtful situation into one that has made you stronger. While I am not familiar with the Schlessinger book I am pleased it assisted you. I strongly recommend couples also read Harriet Lerner’s “Dance of Connection.”
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Faith, Family, Recovery |
33 Comments »
February 13, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER: My sister is going through a hard time with her job and her children (14 and 15). My husband and I were thinking of offering her some financial help. She is a single mother and has always prided herself on doing whatever it takes to get what she needs for her children. I do not want to offend her in any way but we would like to help. Not having any children of our own and having two incomes places us in a position where we can afford to help. Do you think our helping her will be a problem for our relationships in the future?
ROD’S RESPONSE: Pure generosity (no strings, hooks, secret agendas, or hidden motives) is enriching for both the she who gives, and she who receives. Go ahead. I’d suggest you arrange a private lunch with your sister and slip her a card in which you have placed your generous cheque or a bundle of cash. Write something like, “Please accept this gift. All you have to do in return is enjoy it!”
Posted in Faith, Family, In-laws |
1 Comment »
February 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: “I have an unusual question. My husband of some 30 years never calls me by anything – other husbands either call their wives by their first names or they use terms like ‘honey.’ If I am wanted on the phone, he will just say, ‘It’s for you.’ Is there any deep psychological reason why he never calls me anything? I find when friends say, ‘Beth, will you etc…,” it makes me feel warm towards them. I call him by his name. Obviously, there are other issues in the marriage. I was curious to know about this particular one.”
ROD’S RESPONSE: I am sure there are mental health professional who will “unpack” or interpret your husband’s behavior and what it might have been that has led you to be nameless in the eyes of your closest companion. I’d tend to ask you what it is about you that you have permitted yourself to be nameless for so long!
Ask your husband to call you by name and ignore him when he talks to you as if you do not have one.
Enabled behaviors tend to persist. Be nice about it and simply tell him what you’d prefer. I’d take this route before I’d suggest you go on a hunt through his potentially fragile inner-being.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Family, Listening, Marriage, Voice |
9 Comments »
January 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
It appears you seek reconciliation. That takes at least two people. Forgiveness takes one. Apparently you have tried to do your part in releasing and forgiving one who has hurt you. That he or she will not reciprocate does not dilute your gracious act. In the short term it may be less meaningful for you, for you want reconciliation, but the power of forgiveness will still be yours. Forgiveness, both giving and receiving, are a deep matters of the human head and heart. Forgiving takes humility. Receiving it takes greater humility.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Re-marriage, Space, Voice |
3 Comments »
To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
difficultrelationships.com 