It appears you seek reconciliation. That takes at least two people. Forgiveness takes one. Apparently you have tried to do your part in releasing and forgiving one who has hurt you. That he or she will not reciprocate does not dilute your gracious act. In the short term it may be less meaningful for you, for you want reconciliation, but the power of forgiveness will still be yours. Forgiveness, both giving and receiving, are a deep matters of the human head and heart. Forgiving takes humility. Receiving it takes greater humility.
January 16, 2007
The trials of parenting…..
Parenting is no cakewalk. My children (8 and 4) are at an age where it seems everything is a battle of wills. If they are not fighting with each other over who is sitting in whose space at the table, or fighting over one toy that neither has noticed for months until the other happens to casually pick it up, they are debating me over the necessity of cleaning their teeth or picking up clothes.
But these are the passing phases on their unique journeys toward necessary self-definition – and it is my continual challenge to see the larger picture.
I am challenged, on a daily basis, to speak well of others, to be honorable to my word (as far as it is possible) and to guard the words that come out of my mouth.
Clearly, as the primary adult in their lives, I am called upon to show them how adults ought to behave, how adults ought to resolve conflict, be forgiving, be kind and generous.
Fighting over a toy in the back of the car, will, I hope, give them fond memories of these formative years. Watching me face the daily grind of living an adult life, will, I hope, impart to them invaluable tools for successful futures.
January 8, 2007
Daughter (12) too interested in boys………!?
Question: My daughter (12) is showing too much interest in boys for a girl her age. She has posters all over her walls of movie stars and talks of the boys in her school all the time. She is on the phone to her friends and I hear the same chatter about who likes who over and over again. At first this was funny but now it is getting me down. Is this normal?
Response: I’d suggest both are “normal” – your frustrations at your daughter’s newfound interests, and what appears to you to be her obsession with friends who are boys. I note that she is apparently talking about boys more than she is talking to any boys in particular!
Relax mom. Your daughter is probably quite healthy and enjoying her journey into being a fully fledged teenager.
The more you resist her natural response to this exciting time in her life, the more it is likely she will shut you out of it. As annoying as this might be for you I’d suggest you attempt to encourage her to converse with you about all her interests. Open every possible line of communication. Rather she learn that openness is acceptable than opt for secrecy about who and what she is.
January 7, 2007
Should I meet his child’s mother (his soon-to-be ex-wife)?
“My boyfriend of 8 months and I are very much in love. He speaks of marriage. I can only assume that we will head that way in the near future. When we met he was still legally married although living apart from his wife. Despite some hesitation I went forward with my relationship trusting divorce was what he wanted. The divorce is now almost final. They have a three-year-old daughter and we have grown very close. I love her. She is so sweet and loving. My boyfriend says she asks for me. I have felt it would be appropriate for me to meet the mother because I am around her daughter so much which I assume will continue. I mentioned this to my boyfriend he was hesitant and I let it go. My boyfriend says “she is not the nicest person” and “you’ll meet her when the time is right!? Am I wrong?” (Letter edited – all posts are “cut” to about 200 words)
It is appropriate, and essential, that you meet the child’s mother since you (I assume) will co-parent the child. But methinks you are assuming too much (regarding his desire to marry you). Your future is far too valuable to be left to hopes and assumptions.
December 20, 2006
Reader writes about her emotional abuse which doesn’t involve physical violence and is therefore not seen (by others) as abuse….
“My husband always says how much he loves me claims he lets me do whatever I want. But the reality is that he is disparaging and condescending. I feel I am trapped in a relationship with someone who is totally at odds with my personality. I never discuss anything meaningful with him for fear that he will criticize it. He is also very critical of the children. His discipline is very blame-oriented. He seems to be very angry all the time that the world and everyone in it doesn’t behave according to his criteria of right and wrong, and he is completely dismissive of the idea that different people can have different ideas about what right and wrong are. He always says, ‘There are objective criteria that everyone agree on.’ Sometimes I fantasize that he will die but of course I feel horribly guilty about having such thoughts. I imagine if I admitted such thoughts to him he would leave me but I could never admit them – it makes me sound like an insane and evil person. Is it possible that he is really not that bad and I am the one with the coping problem?” (Extracted from a much longer letter)
I’d suggest you get face-to-face (wiser than you have already had) counsel as soon as possible. You are trapped in a crazy-making cycle that will have you convinced that you are the one who is out of sync with reality. Please read Anna Quindlin’s BLACK AND BLUE. Make personal contact with me through the web. I have no idea what country you are in but I am real and I will listen. Go to www.DifficultRelationships.com to see how it is set up for you talk directly with me.
December 17, 2006
Do inter-faith marriages work? My girlfriend and I are from very different cultures…
My girlfriend an I are from two very different faiths, and cultures, and race groups – but we do speak the same language! We met at work and we naturally kept our relationship quiet at first knowing that our respective families would probably disapprove of our association. After two years we have both met families on both sides and her family is more accepting of me than mine is of her. We (her family and my family) are not overly religious yet everyone warns us about marriage and says it will not work because of our many faith and cultural differences. What do you think?
I am sure there are many “inter-faith” couples who can testify to the pleasures and rewards, and the pain and the difficulties that accompany such marriages. While your faith may not seem important to you at present, matters of faith (and the contrasts between your faiths) are likely to be accentuated when weddings are planned, when babies are born and named, when schools are selected, and when children celebrate rites of passage.
Be cautious. Seek counsel from persons who represent each of your respective faiths. While all relationships are tough and require dedication, an interfaith, cross-cultural relationship might test the strength of even the most profound of romantic love.
December 15, 2006
Boundaries are good for both parties in a relationship…
I know I have poor boundaries. What can I do?
Recognizing your ill-defined boundaries is a step toward greater emotional health. Such self-awareness requires good boundaries.
Recognition is the beginning of health. Start by learning to clearly define yourself. Express who you are. Say what you like and do not like. Let people know what you want. Let others know your opinions, beliefs, values and expectations. Begin in comfortable ways, then, after some practice, begin to set boundaries about more consequential matters.
A client told me her boyfriend controlled everything. She felt she had no say in anything. He ordered food, told her when she was tired and hungry. He even dressed her and became upset when she dressed other than he preferred. He held all the money and programmed her cellular phone (blocking some numbers) – for her own good.
She mustered the courage to tell him that despite all-encompassing love, she had her own brain, and would like to use it. She told him she would take over the driver’s seat of her life and be the one to decide on things for herself.
Despite his angry reaction she is learning to be a full person (one with good boundaries). He is apparently too immature to see that stronger boundaries between them will enhance their love, not destroy it.
December 7, 2006
How to be completely sure you are going to date the right person…..
“My relationships begin well then I find out the person has a whole lot of baggage. If this continues I will be alone and never get married. Do you have any suggestions?”
There are worse conditions than singleness. If you do not believe me, ask any person trapped in a toxic marriage. To be lonely, and be married, must surely be far worse than being single and lonely.
Now to my suggestions: Next time you meet someone you’d like to date, demand a copy of his or her latest credit report, conduct an extensive interviews (in secret) with several of his or her former spouses or significant others, meet (in secret) with as many persons in his or her extended family as possible. Secure (secretively) and study a copy of his or her family tree. Insist on a full medical (try to talk to the doctor yourself). Having completed all of the above, and having found everything acceptable, agree to lunch in a well-lit restaurant. Drive separately.
To avoid all disappointment, remove all mystery and romance from your prospective relationship and, just to be sure, analyze everything to death. Then, if he or she sticks around, you (and I mean only you!) might have found yourself a winner.
December 6, 2006
My son is doing so much better…. can it last?
“My son (14) has had a turn-around that is hard to imagine. He is getting down to his work. He is talking with me. He is being more respectful at home and trying to have cordial conversations with me. I cannot tell you how proud I am and how glad I am that something has ‘clicked’ for him. I am living with my nerves on end about when things will change back again and he will be back to himself. Can this last?”
I am very pleased your son is “seeing the light” and responding to whatever is helping him realize that it is he who is indeed in charge of his emotions and his future. Like most parents, I am sure you have come to expect that people can go one step forward and three steps back in a very short pace of time. Affirm your son’s progress – and believe in it. Treating him as if his changes are less than real will only serve to undermine the very efforts he is attempting to make.
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