Archive for ‘Difficult Relationships’

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May 24, 2011

I am a married woman having an affair with a married man

by Rod Smith

Reader responses requested. Please keep it to 200 words…..

“I am a married woman having an affair with a married man. He has never said he will leave his marriage. I have not said I’d leave mine. I am constantly worried at the risks he takes. I know he loves his wife and family and I know it would absolutely destroy him to lose them. We do not talk about our partners. I feel talking about your other is more a breach of trust than having sex. Do I love him? Yes, insanely. Does it hurt me that I have to hide this, and make me feel that each of us are lessened and cheapened by what we do? Yes, also. So I will break it off. I can’t live with the guilt and fear anymore. It’s not the physical aspect; it’s the friendship and intimacy. Do I feel bad about his wife? Am I eaten up with guilt over my husband? Yes. I also feel that love comes knocking in the strangest ways. We all make mistakes. We are looking for something and the pain of forbidden love helps us become better people to those we love then it has been worth it. I trust my married man simply because he never lied to me or led me on.”

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 8 Comments »

May 21, 2011

He says she’s jealous. Let’s help him out. Please comment…..

by Rod Smith

My wife thinks I flirt, and I think she is being jealous. Some examples:

* a female friend overseas emailed me, to pray for her mother who was very ill. I wrote back saying of course, and that I’d love to catch up on skype. I showed the email to my wife so she could pray for her mother, but instead she was furious that I wanted to “catch up” with a girl on skype. I explained that her mother was dying, and that we used to be good friends. Not good enough.

* Another girl who I used to be good friends with came in from overseas, and when I spoke to her on the phone and said “Sarah!! I miss you!” with a big friendly smile – I hadn’t spoken to Sarah for about 2 years and we were cool friends. My wife was furious I said “I miss you” to another girl. A huge fight.

* I helped a stranger – a mother – to carry a baby carriage down the stairs. I apparently made her laugh, (I’m pretty funny) and my wife was again furious at me that I made a married woman laugh.

* We went water rafting with the some friends, and a girl in another boat took my hat off (I love this hat), and I jumped at her to wrestle my hat back. My wife was furious and said that play fighting is flirting. I just wanted my hat…yes, we were laughing at the time, but I don’t feel I was flirting.

* When a girl is excited to see me, or says I’m really funny, or says they love a certain jacket of mine, my wife says that I let women feel comfortable to approach me and say these kinds of things. For example, we were walking down the street and a girl ran up to me and said, “hey!!! how are you Ronnie! This is your wife yeah! Your wedding was amazing” She acknowledged my wife in a nice way, and didn’t ignore her, but my wife’s problem was that she was so happy to see me. My wife wants me to be polite to women, but to exude a level of modesty, and act a little standoffish to show that they shouldn’t feel so comfortable to be all bubbly around me.

I could go on.

My wife says I’m being too flirtatious, or at the very least I need to work on becoming more modest. And I just want her to accept me for who I am, and not be so jealous.

It’s very painful for both of us. I now feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her in a social setting, and can’t just be my funny self. It’s caused me to be very depressed and I feel like I have to be someone else. Unfortunately it’s depressed me so much that I’m not feeling love for her, nor excitement, nor chemistry. I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

I know marriage is about compromise, and I want to grow in ALL ways. Perhaps I do need to grow in the ways of modesty. There is no end in ones growth.

For her, it’s so painful because she believe I’m putting other women before the marriage. “You are putting other women before the marriage” She would say. She feels I’m not respecting her.

But I feel, if only she would stop being so jealous and accept me for who I am.

My wife thinks I flirt. But I don’t think I flirt at all.

To me it just seems we have different Values. I’m not judging her for having more modest values than me. But I feel she is judging me for my values. Bare in mind, I don’t even touch women unless it’s my wife (no honestly, I don’t believe in it). So I do have certain boundaries. But I’m just not as modest as her, and it drives her crazy…which drives me crazy!

Please help! Any advice would be appreciated. We are really thinking of divorce, but we both don’t want it and would like to save the marriage.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Reactivity, Trust, Victims | 6 Comments »

May 20, 2011

“Death is easier than divorce – at least it’s final”…. a reader writes….

by Rod Smith

“How I agree with your column today – break-ups hurt. I have been divorced for four years, and it still hurts. The what ifs – what if I had been kinder, more understanding, what if he had treated me better so I could have been kinder. And so it goes on and on. If you got together again, you know, or think, it would all be different. If only. If only. If only. You drive yourself insane.

“I maintain death is easier than divorce. Death is final. Everyone rallies around to support you in your time of grief. They keep asking how you are, they include you in their lives, where possible, and check that you aren’t lonely. I know this doesn’t last forever – but I do know that it happens. Some groups make a roster and supply meals for a week or two. Then there’s the anniversary of the death – cards, phone calls, people letting you know they care. Maybe a notice in the Newspaper.

“Divorce, on the other hand, is never final. Friends are uncomfortable with you and most don’t support you in, yes, your time of grief. They don’t ask how you are coping and whether you are lonely. In fact, they almost pretend that nothing has happened and, due to embarrassment, some even avoid you. They don’t realise, unless they’ve been there, that what has happened is a huge emotional upheaval. There’s no anniversary – you remember the date of the final separation, but no one else does. No phone calls, no cards, no friends and relations letting you know they care.

“And, no one brings you a meal!”

Posted in Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Forgiveness, Past relationships | 5 Comments »

May 19, 2011

Stand up – so the healing may begin…..

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Take UP your life as an act of self LOVE

Breakups hurt – even if we want them. Ending even a troublesome marriage, let alone one that was often good, is an emotional amputation. It can take years and years to recover if full recovery is even possible. Give yourself space. Give yourself time. But, stand up.

Add infidelity to the mix – and the confusion, the replays, the what ifs, amplify. Now recovery, if it is possible, includes second-guessing everything that might have appeared innocent, rethinking what appeared good. Infidelity as a cause for a breakup seems to prolong, to postpone, the journey toward possible wholeness. Infidelity attacks the foundation, not just of a marriage, but also of the victim’s being.

Give yourself time, space, and a heavy dose of patience. But, stand up.

There is healing. There is growth. There is a future without her, without him, without life as you have always known it. But that life will wait in the wings while there is self-blame, while there is self-pity.

I know this is a hard truth to swallow – but until there is a moment when a person says, “I am responsible for myself and for what happens to me despite the actions of others,” there is unlikely to be the beginnings of authentic healing.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 2 Comments »

May 18, 2011

I know he’s still attracted to me…..

by Rod Smith

“My partner and I split after 3 years. We have a 17-month-old we adore. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. I have moved out and I am heartbroken. Everyday I dwell on what could have been. I cry all day. I isolate myself. He has let me down with money but he comes to my home to see our son. We have sex, then leaves and that’s that. There isn’t someone else. He says he’s not ready to sleep with another woman. I have tried to do and say as much as I can to make him come home and let me fix our family. I know he is still attracted to me. I wish there was something I could do. It kills me knowing that’s it.”

This must be faced.....

While I want to understand your devastation I have to encourage you to step up and become the mother your child deserves. He or she needs adult, committed parents – and right now you both sound like high-maintenance, wayward teenagers.

I’d suggest you stop all sexual activity with this man despite his attraction to you. More sex never solves or heals a toxic relationship.

Apply your “fix our family” energy to getting child support from the father as you let him go on his merry way.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 1 Comment »

May 17, 2011

He says it is just a friendship…..

by Rod Smith

“I discovered my husband is involved with another woman. He says it is just a friendship. He speaks to her on the phone at least 4 or 5 times a day and texts her a few times a day including in the evenings before we go to bed. All the calls and texts are done secretly. He promised to stop these but he hasn’t. She says she loves him and doesn’t want to lose him. He says that he loves me and does not want to hurt me or break up our marriage. He does not want anything to change but has said he would be happier if things were more open. He refuses to stop the relationship or even cut down on the contact.”

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Take UP your life as an act of LOVE

If this is “just a friendship” it would require no secrecy and you could be part of every encounter at every level.

Your husband is making powerful choices that are apparently dismissive of your long-term place in his life. It is time for you to make your own set of choices about whether you are willing to share your husband or not.

Gather your community or trusted friends, let them in at every level, and then act on your own behalf – whatever you determine that to be.

Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships | 1 Comment »

May 15, 2011

A word to daughters……

by Rod Smith

Four things to chat about over tea

Parents please teach your daughters:

1. You never have to shrink, soft-pedal, or sell yourself short, in order to secure a loving, lasting relationship. Any potential partner that is threatened by the power of your personality or the breadth of your talent is not worth your time or investment. Move on.

2. You do not have to give up your dreams, talents, desires, and skills in exchange for a loving relationship. The potential partner who is man enough to love you will amplify your dreams, talents, and skills. He will do nothing at all to try and silence you. This is to be especially noted in religious circles – flee communities that silence women.

3. You do not have to hide your imperfections or pretend they do not exist. The person who is man enough to respect and love you will not expect you to be perfect and will seldom notice your shortcomings. A loving man will regard your imperfections as assets.

4. You will benefit from having Zero Tolerance for people with less than perfect manners. If a potential partner swears at people, if he’s short-tempered, if he’s unkind to strangers – move on. There are myriads of men who are pure-mouthed, patient, and kind. Why would you spend a minute longer with one who is not?

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love | Leave a Comment »

May 15, 2011

Therapy (counseling, family therapy, individual therapy) works best when…..

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE

1. It is self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.

2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.

3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.

4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.

5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.

6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.

7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.

8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.

9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.

10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.

Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

May 12, 2011

Workplace emotional climate – helping it improve

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

I'd love to speak at you Leadership Event

The Emotional Climate of anywhere people work, play, serve, or worship will be enhanced when….

1. Room (space, freedom) is offered for the expression of creativity.
2. Use of good humor (good humor has no victims) is encouraged and enjoyed.
3. Individuals remain focused upon their unique, specific roles without bleeding, leaking into the roles of others by over or under functioning.
4. People refuse to initiate or ferry gossip, participate in unhelpful innuendo, or promote any form of interpersonal sabotage be it subtle or gross.
5. Problems, or perceived problems, are addressed first at the apparent source, then with those who are empowered to act to alleviate or solve the problem.
6. Self-definition at all levels is encouraged. In other words everyone is encouraged to Show up, Stand up, Speak up for him or herself.
7. Rocking the boat is welcomed (by the leaders) when the boat needs rocking.
8. Leadership and leadership styles are open to legitimate assessment and challenge.
9. Dialogue, negotiation is authentic. It is not offered so people can “feel” as if they have a say or to promote so-called “buy in.” Dialogue, negotiation are either legitimate (can influence an organization) or they are a manipulative sham.
10. The leaders are unafraid to reprimand, to fire, and to cleanse the group of toxic elements in the organization – despite the tenacity of toxic personnel to invade, diminish and destroy the functioning of others. This is most difficult in volunteer organizations such as churches, clubs, and not-for-profits but it is no less necessary.

Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Manipulation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice | Leave a Comment »

May 11, 2011

I want to build something that is all mine……

by Rod Smith

“Do you think that I am negating my duties if, after 6 years of being at home bringing up a child, I have begun to establish a career? Is it wrong to want to build something that is all mine? My husband is jumpy at the idea. He is a very successful businessman. I need to have something for me.”

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Go for it.....

I’d suggest you go for it. Do not allow a “jumpy” husband stand in your way. Do what you can to placate his fears and gain his support, but do not allow his hesitancy to stifle your desire to create an endeavor that captures your imagination.

I believe the fine art of parenting is enhanced when both parents are high achievers. It is enhanced when both parents demonstrate that individual success is possible without the success compromising his or her time with a child.

Getting your hands into something exciting, trying, demanding, and therefore also rewarding, will boost your abilities as an all-round human and add vitality to you as a wife and a mother.

If you wish to see a fine example of empowered and successful women – contact http://www.momsmatter.co.za – and you will see something great and meaningful taking place – right on your doorstep.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

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