May 17, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I discovered my husband is involved with another woman. He says it is just a friendship. He speaks to her on the phone at least 4 or 5 times a day and texts her a few times a day including in the evenings before we go to bed. All the calls and texts are done secretly. He promised to stop these but he hasn’t. She says she loves him and doesn’t want to lose him. He says that he loves me and does not want to hurt me or break up our marriage. He does not want anything to change but has said he would be happier if things were more open. He refuses to stop the relationship or even cut down on the contact.”
Take UP your life as an act of LOVE
it would require no secrecy and you could be part of every encounter at every level.
Your husband is making powerful choices that are apparently dismissive of your long-term place in his life. It is time for you to make your own set of choices about whether you are willing to share your husband or not.
Gather your community or trusted friends, let them in at every level, and then act on your own behalf – whatever you determine that to be.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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May 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Four things to chat about over tea
Parents please teach your daughters:
1. You never have to shrink, soft-pedal, or sell yourself short, in order to secure a loving, lasting relationship. Any potential partner that is threatened by the power of your personality or the breadth of your talent is not worth your time or investment. Move on.
2. You do not have to give up your dreams, talents, desires, and skills in exchange for a loving relationship. The potential partner who is man enough to love you will amplify your dreams, talents, and skills. He will do nothing at all to try and silence you. This is to be especially noted in religious circles – flee communities that silence women.
3. You do not have to hide your imperfections or pretend they do not exist. The person who is man enough to respect and love you will not expect you to be perfect and will seldom notice your shortcomings. A loving man will regard your imperfections as assets.
4. You will benefit from having Zero Tolerance for people with less than perfect manners. If a potential partner swears at people, if he’s short-tempered, if he’s unkind to strangers – move on. There are myriads of men who are pure-mouthed, patient, and kind. Why would you spend a minute longer with one who is not?
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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May 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE
1. It is
self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.
2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.
3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.
4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.
5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.
6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.
7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.
8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.
9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.
10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
I'd love to speak at you Leadership Event
1. Room (space, freedom) is offered for the expression of creativity.
2. Use of good humor (good humor has no victims) is encouraged and enjoyed.
3. Individuals remain focused upon their unique, specific roles without bleeding, leaking into the roles of others by over or under functioning.
4. People refuse to initiate or ferry gossip, participate in unhelpful innuendo, or promote any form of interpersonal sabotage be it subtle or gross.
5. Problems, or perceived problems, are addressed first at the apparent source, then with those who are empowered to act to alleviate or solve the problem.
6. Self-definition at all levels is encouraged. In other words everyone is encouraged to Show up, Stand up, Speak up for him or herself.
7. Rocking the boat is welcomed (by the leaders) when the boat needs rocking.
8. Leadership and leadership styles are open to legitimate assessment and challenge.
9. Dialogue, negotiation is authentic. It is not offered so people can “feel” as if they have a say or to promote so-called “buy in.” Dialogue, negotiation are either legitimate (can influence an organization) or they are a manipulative sham.
10. The leaders are unafraid to reprimand, to fire, and to cleanse the group of toxic elements in the organization – despite the tenacity of toxic personnel to invade, diminish and destroy the functioning of others. This is most difficult in volunteer organizations such as churches, clubs, and not-for-profits but it is no less necessary.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Manipulation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice |
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May 11, 2011
by Rod Smith
“Do you think that I am negating my duties if, after 6 years of being at home bringing up a child, I have begun to establish a career? Is it wrong to want to build something that is all mine? My husband is jumpy at the idea. He is a very successful businessman. I need to have something for me.”
Go for it.....
Do not allow a “jumpy” husband stand in your way. Do what you can to placate his fears and gain his support, but do not allow his hesitancy to stifle your desire to create an endeavor that captures your imagination.
I believe the fine art of parenting is enhanced when both parents are high achievers. It is enhanced when both parents demonstrate that individual success is possible without the success compromising his or her time with a child.
Getting your hands into something exciting, trying, demanding, and therefore also rewarding, will boost your abilities as an all-round human and add vitality to you as a wife and a mother.
If you wish to see a fine example of empowered and successful women – contact http://www.momsmatter.co.za – and you will see something great and meaningful taking place – right on your doorstep.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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May 10, 2011
by Rod Smith
Denial comes in many forms. Here are a few zingers I have heard or read in the past few weeks….
1. “If we get married she will feel more secure.”
2. “Children will hold us together.”
3. “Nothing like a new baby to help you fall in love with each other.”
4. “We are building a new house as a fresh start in our troubled marriage.”
5. “She wants me to have no contact with my family because she believes they won’t like her.”
6. “His drinking is stress related and once this is over I am sure he’ll stop.”
7. “He says is if I love him I won’t want to work outside the house.”
8. “She gets so jealous she can hardly see but it is a sign of her love.”
9. “Age is just a number. He’s half my age but twice as mature. We are a perfect match.”
10. “Her kids are no problem now, why should they be when we get married?”
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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May 9, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My husband routinely ignores Mothers Day. I make a big deal out of Fathers Day and you’d think he would reciprocate. He does not. This has been going on for 21 years and my sons are following in his footsteps. I am tempted to ignore Fathers Day this year just to see if he notices.”
Show up, stand up, speak up....
and playing hide and seek is for children – it is not for adults.
If you want attention shown to you at Mothers Day let your husband and your sons know.
Tell them ahead of time so that you are not left waiting to see what he or your sons will do for you.
If you have let this go on for 21 years I have to wonder what else you have left up to chance.
If you want your relationships to grow then lose the temptation to stand back and watch how others respond to you.
Show up. Stand up. Speak up. Leave as little to guesswork as possible. This done, at least you will have made your expectations clear and others can choose to deliver on your wishes or not.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships |
2 Comments »
May 8, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I’m in love with a man out of my caste. If my family finds out I will be disowned. He loves me and I do the same. His family doesn’t want him to be with me either. He’s going through a separation with his wife. They have twin girls who are 2 and boy who is 8. His wife still loves him tremendously but he has no love for her and has clearly told her. I feel so guilty that I’m the cause of everything but he won’t let me go. He says I’m the reason for his living and that his marriage was long over before I came into the picture. We are planning on marriage. I have a 5 year-old son who will have to leave along with my entire family. My fear is if I’m making a right future path for my self and my boyfriend. I desperately need advice.”
This is a disaster waiting to happen
A man who can abandon a wife and three children will do the same, and worse, to you and your son. This “relationship” could only work if you immediately sever all ties while he gets divorced, pays child support, and is a cordial ex-husband for 5 years at least – before he BEGINS a caring, mutual relationship with you.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 4, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My husband and I have our three-year anniversary this month. Our son is 9 months old. Two weeks ago he decided to drop the bomb and said that perhaps he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to wake up in 20 years and be miserable, that kind of stuff. It was so sudden. We hardly ever fight and our baby is so perfect and beautiful and we have been so happy for these years. I don’t understand. When we talk about it he goes farther with saying that perhaps he never really loved me and maybe he had these feelings before we even got married. What? I saved myself for him. I gave myself to him. I made sure he was the one. We both agreed that we did not believe in divorce. This is too painful to even think about. He is not even acting like he wants to save the marriage. I don’t understand. I’m terrified. This is not what I signed up for.”
Unhook your wagon
Your feelings of desperation at his divulgences become directly proportional to his feelings of being trapped in eternal misery. Until you “unhook your wagons” (separate your emotional and psychological enmeshment) both of you will descend further into realms even less attractive than what you both currently are experiencing.
Your husband’s misery now, or in the future, is his issue – don’t try and rescue him from it or take any responsibility for it, or, and here is the tough part, let it take you down.
There’s great hope for this marriage but it will not emerge until you get out of his way and he does what he needs to do to solve his own problems.
If he avoids this fabulous dilemma (he is not the first person to face it) by walking away, he will be much more miserable more quickly than he ever imagined.
If he faces it well, he will grow up, and to boot, have a chance at even being somewhat happy, you will have a man for a husband and your son will have an adult man for a daddy.
Posted in Betrayal, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 3, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I am happily married. My husband is an amazing man. We are Indian with both Western and Indian beliefs and tradition. Our problems stem from his family. His mother hates me. She constantly gossips about me and tells people I am a terrible person. She knows how much her son loves me. I think this upsets her. I cannot understand how a mother can be unhappy if her child is happy. Although I have accomplished a lot I feel inadequate. I need help to keep my sanity and feel loved and appreciated by my husband’s family. My parents have been married for many years and love their children equally. My mother is one of the most humble people I know – which makes it even more difficult to understand my mother in law.” (Edited)
Get your focus off her
Gossips attempt to fill up empty lives by trying to destroy others. Try not to feed her toxicity by allowing it to do its ugly work.
While it may be counter-cultural for you, I’d suggest you and your husband (together) lovingly confront her with your unwillingness to accommodate and ignore her damaging ways.
Confrontation is a powerful expression of love. This accomplished, get your focus off her, whether she continues or not.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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