June 20, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I’m getting ready for church. He assesses what I’m wearing and suggests a dress he bought me. He wonders why I’m unhappy about it. We get into a fight. There’s yelling and name calling, and pointing. He advances into my personal space. He turns it into me being a victim based on my past. I’m very broken. He also threw out an ultimatum.” (Letter edited)
Destructive exchanges lead couples nowhere worth going. The “thinking brain” shuts down. The “fight, freeze, or flee brain” kicks in, assumes control, and wants ward off the perceived threat. Both people, in the heat of the moment, feel choices are limited and so things to escalate – they fight fire with fire and insult with insult until a domestic war ensues.
While difficult to do, walking away is the more helpful option.
If she’d said something like, “You choose your clothing. I’ll choose mine. I will not fight with you. You do not have permission to ruin my day,” and left for church without him, he’d have had the time and the space to face the unresolved issues that predate his marriage.
Why else would he want to determine what another adult wears?
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Victims |
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June 19, 2011
by Rod Smith
I will assess your committed relationship and give it a grade: A+ through to a B-.
A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.
You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).
All you need:
(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil
(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you
(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.
BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.
Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.
There is a cost of $29.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY via your email address.
I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.
I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 19, 2011
by Rod Smith
Marriage and Divorce, A Survivor’s Guide by Durban’s own Spike Farrell, is the only book I have ever come across that makes essential reading for both happily married couples and those in the throws of a divorce.
Its 73 short chapters (yes 73!) cover every imaginable topic, some of which, if followed word for word, will spice up and encourage a teetering marriage. Other chapters will help in the uncovering an affair while yet others will assist couples find a meaningful life post divorce when divorce has been unavoidable.
Spike is overwhelmingly for marriage. He wants every marriage to survive. Yet he recognizes that sometimes divorce is inevitable. His book is geared to helping couples on every point of the continuum from blissful happiness to those seeking necessary dissolution.
Spike is unpretentious, he’s quick witted, and he’s thoroughly practical – and I hope his book is a great success.
Contact Spike directly at: spikefarrell@mweb.co.za
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
3 Comments »
June 17, 2011
by Rod Smith
I will assess your committed relationship and give it a grade: A+ through to a B-.
A “C” is for cut and run if it is at all possible.
You will receive a GRADE, my written response (NOTHING AUTOMATED), a list of challenges, and a list of suggestions (again, nothing automated).
All you need:
(1) To be is in a committed relationship that is in some turmoil
(2) Have an hour to spend WRITING about it in response to a set of questions I will send you
(3) Be willing to receive a GRADE with an assessment of strengths / weaknesses.
BE WARNED — the questions lead to much soul searching. You may be anonymous (of course) but you must be willing to write quite a lot in order to get the best out of the experience. I will not use anything you write in any column.
Privacy insured. Send me a message and we’ll take it from there.
There is a cost of $49.95 (USD) for this service. You will have my complete and undivided attention for 1 hour as I read and respond to all you have written. You will be billed via PAYPLAY and via your email address.
I am you offering my opinion regarding the sustainability of your primary and committed relationship based on the information you send to me.
I’d suggest you consult with a face-to-face professional before you take any radical action based on the advice or guidance I give you in response to your submission.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
5 Comments »
June 16, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I met my husband when his children were 3 and 7. I thought that I would learn to love someone else’s child and that it would just take time to bond. We are now married with a child of our own. Their biological mom is and has always been trouble and does nothing but try to put both my husband and me down in the kids eyes. The kids are sweet and loving but I still find it hard to bond to them. It’s always ‘my mommy this’ and ‘my mommy that’ and it makes it hard to bond. At times I want it to be me and my child and husband. I know how this sounds but seriously can you tell me I must immediately love and like everyone just because they happen to be smaller. I am not a bad or evil person I simply dislike having to be caring and attentive to another person’s child when I get none of the reward. They will always love their mother more and that’s the way it should be, but I can only take so much rejection. Eventually my heart turns off and I am left wondering why I thought being a step parent would be great.”
Blending families is one of the most difficult relational challenges humans face. Everyone in the family faces difficulties, even the children.
If you feel “unrewarded” you might want to reconsider some of your expectations. Any awards ceremony may only occur, if it ever does, when the children become adults and they reflect that you were a non-possessive, non-anxious, steady presence in their lives at time when their lives had been hit by several large blows all seemingly accosting them at the same time.
So, hold off on expecting much reward. It’s not that you won’t be rewarded; it’s that expecting it in itself suggests you might want to realign the understanding of your role.
Asking young children to love (embrace, accept) a stepmother without feeling disloyalty to their biological mother is asking children to do emotional acrobatics that most adults could not do.
If you want your “new” family to survive the continued presence of his “old” family, then I’d suggest you do not make too much of the distinction. “Us” and “them” doesn’t bode well for any human community let alone a blended family. Also, stay out of being the front line of discipline for “his” children: messing with invisible loyalties is a sure fire way to detonate the anger abiding already in the family system.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Triangles |
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June 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I met my husband when his children were 3 and 7. I thought that I would learn to love someone else’s child and that it would just take time to bond. We are now married with a child of our own. Their biological mom is and has always been trouble and does nothing but try to put both my husband and me down in the kids eyes. The kids are sweet and loving but I still find it hard to bond to them. It’s always ‘my mommy this’ and ‘my mommy that’ and it makes it hard to bond. At times I want it to be me and my child and husband. I know how this sounds but seriously can you tell me I must immediately love and like everyone just because they happen to be smaller. I am not a bad or evil person I simply dislike having to be caring and attentive to another person’s child when I get none of the reward. They will always love their mother more and that’s the way it should be, but I can only take so much rejection. Eventually my heart turns off and I am left wondering why I thought being a step parent would be great.”
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
4 Comments »
June 14, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My son and his wife are in a constant battle with his ex-wife and her family. They want the grandchildren ALL the time and seem to never think of their new family as really part of the children. I hardly know my new step-grandchildren but I’d rather that than step into the middle of the battle for time with the children. Should I be working harder to get to know these children so they will know me one day or should I just let things be as they are for now?”
It's a fine line......
If there are already tensions regarding who the children ought to know and visit then I’d suggest you follow your intuition which suggest you remain out of the tug-of-war.
Children will readily pick up on surrounding stresses and tensions and will ultimately use them to their benefit – and not necessarily to the benefit of the adults who use the children as bargaining chips.
Stay out of conflicts that do not directly involve you. Your daughter and her husband are presumably adult enough to represent themselves in their own battles.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 13, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My ex-husband is very irresponsible when it comes to finances even thought he earns more money than I do. He comes to me to lend him money all the time. I try to budget well so I feel bad to say no. But what hurts is that he also comes in and out of my house like it is his. He will come over and sit and watch a movie when he supposed to be ‘visiting’ the children. How do I set the boundaries in terms of my space and not having to worry about his financial problems, as we no longer married? He chose to be with someone else rather than stay and fix the marriage.”
Stop the supply.....
Your ex-husband will take advantage of your home and finances and invade your boundaries for as long as you permit it.
Stop the supply. Bolt (metaphorically) your doors. Cut the ties. Have the children meet or see him outside of your home. Quit being his mother, his Mother Theresa, and the one who enables his stunted development.
No problem is ever solved if you keep feeding it.
That he asks you for anything is not a sign of love, or hope, and nor is it a suggestion that anything might be mended in the future. His behavior confirms that he has failed to grow up. He will take advantage of anyone who will cooperate with his selfish ways.
Get over “feeling bad” – the man feels nothing for you. He will not starve if you don’t supply. If the man can leave his wife and children for another woman believe me he’ll find another supply-line when you stop yours up.
Every penny you give him enables his parasitic ways.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships |
3 Comments »
June 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
Offer your dad your arm and link it with his.
With your arm tucked in his there’s nowhere you cannot go. There’s no place that is unsafe. There’s no destination too far and no journey (no matter how short or long) that is not worth the effort.
Walk with your father in this manner as often as is possible — it’s very good training for when you will have to walk alone and it is good training for when you will walk with another.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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June 9, 2011
by Rod Smith
My son (8) recently asked me if girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. I didn’t know how or what to answer and so I changed the subject. I know that avoiding his question is wrong and I am mentally preparing myself to answer his question soon. I am not homophobic. One of my close friends is a homosexual.
Relax, and then talk about anything
Tell your son that in South Africa (origin of Email) men and women can love and marry whomever they want to marry. Inform him that one day he will be old enough and wise enough to marry anyone he loves and who, in turn, loves and wants to marry him.
Now, before I am pummeled with both hate and love mail from all sides, please remember that your answer to your son’s question will not determine or change his sexual orientation. Parent-son conversations are simply not that powerful.
Your openness and comfort in having meaningful conversations about personal topics with your son will not determine his sexual orientation, but it might determine if he keeps talking with you and asking you questions about personal and important matters for many years to come.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Sex education, Sex matters |
2 Comments »
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