July 6, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My husband and I were happy until the birth of our son when our relationship changed. After our son was born he started cheating, lying, and drinking everyday. We spent less time together than we used to. I thought we were friends, but now it feels like we are distant cousins. Our sex life is boring.”
Your future must seem painfully endless!
While I am sad that you are victim to your husband’s cruel behavior, I am also sad for your child who is witnessing a marriage he could hardly want to emulate.
Please read David Schnarch’s book entitled Passionate Marriage. I will warn you that it is the very best book on sex and relationships I have ever read.
While the book is very explicit, it is never pornographic.
It is to be read as a whole, cover to cover, before judgments are issued on its worthiness.
The book outlines the journey of couples who have lives as miserable as you describe yours to be, and offers valuable keys for all marriages and all relationships.
I have gotten into hot water for recommending this book to couples.
Not only does it promote strong, healthy sex lives, it challenges people to live full, complete, and adventurous lives.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Schnarch |
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July 6, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My in-laws are a pain. They want the children (9 and 7) whenever they click their fingers and think we must drop everything because they phone and want to do something fun. My husband jumps to their every wish and I am sick of it. He’s like a little boy around his mother. The children love them because it is all about fun while I am left with the hard work of parenting.” (Edited)
Spend time alone with your in-laws. Tell them about your frustrations. Fun people are often happy people. Happy people are usually able to understand multiple sides to situations. Speak up about what you see and what you need. You might find your husband and your in-laws are more than able to accommodate and even alleviate some of the sources of some of your frustrations.
But, you are correct – parenting is hard work. Your letter suggests that you too can be quite hard work. You might want to try and enjoy your in-laws as much as your children do. If you join the fun you will be as much a part of your children’s good memories as your husband’s parents will already be.
Get your part of the fun real-estate in your children’s memories. Having your children reflect forever on how much fun they had with their grandparents certainly won’t be too much fun for you as time rolls by.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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July 5, 2011
by Rod Smith
Enduring (long-lasting) relationship difficulties can usually be traced to ill-defined boundaries.
Boundaries (fences, walls, lines on a road) surround us.
Some are unseen. People give couples “room” to be couples even though there is no visual demarcation.
Internal boundaries are “the lines I draw” inside me. These “unseen” boundaries are the reasons I don’t steal, hit annoying people, or say everything I think.
Boundaries support necessary separateness, space, definition, and therefore provide necessary clarity.
Separateness, space, clarity, are essential for individual growth and the wellness of any family or community.
Boundaries keep us apart and together by keeping us healthily apart and healthily together. People who are too close, and people who are too far apart, stunt or distort their potential.
Two imperfect illustrations:
Every time a vehicle is on the road a driver must obey (honor, acknowledge) many rules, and respect many boundaries or, of course, accidents occur, build up occurs, people are injured, and things are damaged.
Trees cannot grow to full height if planted too close to each other. If planted too far apart, their unified capacity to provide shade is limited.
Adults (except in very unusual circumstances) are responsible for establishing and maintaining their own boundaries. Boundary maintenance cannot be left to another no matter how much love or care or history is shared.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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July 5, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My friend and I talk on the phone a lot. Yesterday I was very busy and I forgot to phone. When I did he reamed me out like I was a schoolboy who did not do his homework. What do you think I should do?”
Apologize. Call him exactly on time the next time. Tell him you were very busy and that you are sorry for your insensitivity. Remind him that adults are better off when they offer each other the freedom to be late, the opportunity to be wrong, and even the room to sometimes be insensitive.
Remind him your forgetfulness was not the result of malicious intent. Tell him you love him, that you are pleased to be his friend, but that friendship with him would be very much more rewarding (for both of you) were he to grow up, develop a thicker skin, and resist talking to you as if you were a schoolboy who’d not done his homework.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
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July 4, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My husband is a controlling, jealous, alcoholic. He has me so scared. I love my husband but I can’t stand living like this. His drinking is bad. His controlling is causing us to fight all the time. I tell him to relax but he just keeps it up. I hate to come home from work. I want out but yet I know that he can be a good man. He is a loving man when he wants to be but can change in a second. Can someone help me?” (Edited)
You can help you. If you have had the courage to negotiate the past years with a difficult and ill-mannered man, I know you possess the tenacity to build yourself a great future.
While you compromise yourself to live with a man who is occasionally good and sometimes loving he will control every day of what is left of your life.
Here’s a five-step formula:
1. Find your inner resolve to stay out of control.
2. Join Al-Anon who will help and encourage you.
3. Gather around you a small group of supportive women (this may take months).
4. Hatch a plan among you – a plan for you, not for him.
5. Take yourself by surprise and move out and move on.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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July 3, 2011
by Rod Smith
“You recently listed 15 ‘pointers’ that make for relationship hell. I am 70 and have experienced every problem you listed since not long after we were married 50 years ago. Strangely, there was no sign of what was to follow during our two-year engagement. When I found out that he was Bipolar after 36 years of marriage, I blamed all these relationship problems on his being Bipolar. Is it possible that he also has an additional personality defect? I have tended to be tolerant because I thought him to be mentally ill!”
Being bi-polar is not a license to be manipulative or abusive. Regardless of age, the length of a marriage, or the degree of personal and interpersonal difficulties, I suggest all people resist and refuse to accommodate abusive behavior from any source. It is good for no one, not the victim or the perpetrator. Rock the boat – even after all these years, things can change.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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July 1, 2011
by Rod Smith
1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.
2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).
3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.
4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.
5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.
6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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June 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My daughter (17) has come home from London (to South Africa) and told me she is pregnant. We are very upset and the young man has no interest in her anymore. We are a respected family in the church community and this is a shame for us. What do we do?” (Letter shortened)
You fall to your knees. Thank God for the fabulous joy and privilege of welcoming your daughter home. Thank God for the exceeding joy of adding another child to your extended family. Tell the world and any who will listen that you love your daughter and your love is greater than any need to hush things up or make her feel as if she has committed the unpardonable sin.
Pregnancies might be unplanned, inconvenient, or even embarrassing, but people are never “unplanned.”
If your church is anywhere close to understanding Biblical truth they will throw a party for your daughter. They will rally around her, support her in every manner. Then they will wait with loving anticipation to meet and greet and honor the newest member of their extended family.
I will remind you (and, sadly, you might have to remind your church) that some of the most esteemed figures in Biblical history were born under very difficult and “questionable” circumstances.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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June 28, 2011
by Rod Smith
The following theme comes to my attention at least several times a month: My wife had an affair. I am finding it hard to trust. Please help.
I can't MAKE you trust me
Trusting a spouse has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with you.
Each person determines his or her levels of trust with all other people – spouse included. If you hadn’t noticed, you trust people in different ways all the time.
I am not suggesting a wayward partner be fully trusted. This is exactly the point. Trust according to your levels of ability to trust, given the history and the circumstances you face.
“Prove I can trust you,” is unfair. If you are one given to suspicion nothing anyone can do will meet your standards. It is likely you will find holes given the most innocent of scenarios. This is the very nature of suspicion. It eats into everything, nothing ultimately satisfies.
A couple shipwrecked by an affair can survive. I have seen it many times. But the couple will face many challenges while the offended partner constantly seeks assurance or repeatedly brings up the past or plays the hurt puppy.
It takes two to tangle – affairs occur in a context.
It takes ONE to be unfaithful – don’t blame your partner for your actions.
It takes two to find reconciliation.
Trust can be fully restored, little by little over an extended period of time.
Posted in Affairs, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Forgiveness, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 27, 2011
by Rod Smith
“Women put everything on the MAN! Talking about they need to be in the right mood. They need romance. Don’t get me wrong, I try to look at her point of view about sex but they never put US in the mood. We’ve been together for a year and engaged since February and I already feel like I’m 50 or 60 years old! These types of problems are supposed to happen around that age! I’m only 24 and she’s 29! I can’t win!” (Edited of hard language)
Clean up your language. It might (emphasis on the “might”) make you more attractive all round. If you swear (cuss) while you are writing about your most intimate relationship, one can only imagine what you must be like face-to-face.
How a person treats outsiders (those whom you do not know and who will read your writing) is a powerful indicator of how a person treats insiders (those close to you).
If you shifted your focus from what you want to what you can contribute you might see some change.
Diminish your desire to control. (“I can’t win” — healthy relationships were never about winning and losing).
Become less demanding, needy, and a lot more loving, and you may grow up a lot and be ready for the kind of sex a partner wants.
You are totally off in your understanding of men in their 50’s and 60’s. You, it is clear to me, don’t have enough behind your eyes (life experience) to have good sex – and if you keep on with your current manner of operating, which I call being “penis propelled”, you might never have it.
I hope your partner reads your post and identifies you (which you sent anonymously –another indication of your immaturity) and regards it as an impetus to bail. If she stays, and you continue to be as demanding as you clearly are, she is in for one sad, sad ride.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Reactivity, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Triggers, Victims |
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