December 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
My boyfriend is very jealous. I cannot make phone calls, read email or go out for lunch without him becoming enraged. He says this is natural and it will change after we are married.
He is wrong on both counts: it is not “natural.” It will not change when you marry. It will become worse. So, if you want your “wings” trimmed go ahead and marry him. At least you know what you are getting into and you can prepare for a life of conflict over your natural desire to know and relate to other people (including males). It is natural to want friends of both genders, to widen your interests and to sometimes want to explore the world with people other than your spouse. There are sufficient “red flags” that I’d suggest you run a mile from this guy until he grows up, gets some confidence about himself, sees that his jealousy will destroy the relationship he says he values. Do not change your behavior that he says is making him jealous. His jealousy has nothing to do with your behavior. He has the feeling – he has the problem. Do not try to solve his problem. You might as well try and “swing from a star.”
Added 4/11/09: There are many other later columns about jealousy on this website. Please do a search for them.
Reader, in the event you wish to talk, send me an Email and I will make time for you.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Communication, Triggers, Trust |
6 Comments »
December 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My relationships begin well then I find out the person has a whole lot of baggage. If this continues I will be alone and never get married. Do you have any suggestions?”
There are worse conditions than singleness. If you do not believe me, ask any person trapped in a toxic marriage. To be lonely, and be married, must surely be far worse than being single and lonely.
Now to my suggestions: Next time you meet someone you’d like to date, demand a copy of his or her latest credit report, conduct an extensive interviews (in secret) with several of his or her former spouses or significant others, meet (in secret) with as many persons in his or her extended family as possible. Secure (secretively) and study a copy of his or her family tree. Insist on a full medical (try to talk to the doctor yourself). Having completed all of the above, and having found everything acceptable, agree to lunch in a well-lit restaurant. Drive separately.
To avoid all disappointment, remove all mystery and romance from your prospective relationship and, just to be sure, analyze everything to death. Then, if he or she sticks around, you (and I mean only you!) might have found yourself a winner.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Family |
3 Comments »
December 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My son (14) has had a turn-around that is hard to imagine. He is getting down to his work. He is talking with me. He is being more respectful at home and trying to have cordial conversations with me. I cannot tell you how proud I am and how glad I am that something has ‘clicked’ for him. I am living with my nerves on end about when things will change back again and he will be back to himself. Can this last?”
I am very pleased your son is “seeing the light” and responding to whatever is helping him realize that it is he who is indeed in charge of his emotions and his future. Like most parents, I am sure you have come to expect that people can go one step forward and three steps back in a very short pace of time. Affirm your son’s progress – and believe in it. Treating him as if his changes are less than real will only serve to undermine the very efforts he is attempting to make.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Love, Manipulation |
1 Comment »
December 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son (13) gets so angry when he is confronted about anything (school results, when he cannot go out, when he cannot be on the Internet) I know he scares himself. Last weekend my husband and son had a confrontation and he hit my husband in the face. I am glad my husband was patient with him and did not lose his temper. What should I do?
First: Decide that the parents will never resort to fighting violence with violence.
Second: Discuss that loving your son and supporting him through this troubled time is something to which you are both enduringly committed.
Third: Talk with your husband a lot about many and various topics – discussions about your son must not be permitted to dominate your every interaction – in order to establish unity that is comforting to you and obvious to your son. This expression of unity – not necessarily agreement – will become a natural protection when your family faces challenges.
Finally: During a “down time” and when things are peaceful, let your son know the despite whatever occurs among you, he is to learn to hold his temper, and to learn not to strike others. Let him know failure at self-restraint will result in the immediate need for professional intervention.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
November 30, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My mother-in-law spoils our children and my wife won’t tell her to stop. We have been married for seven years and I am tired of her mother interfering in our lives and especially with spoiling the children. What should I do?”
When, Sir, did you lose the ability to speak for yourself? I trust you know that your mother-in-law’s power within your family might be a direct result of your unwillingness or inability to speak up for yourself.
Your wife’s mother is your mother-in-law: speak to her yourself.
I’d suggest that since you perceive your wife as the spokesperson for matters relating to your mother-in-law, that your assessment of how she treats your children might not be fair or accurate.
Before you launch into addressing this matter that is causing you distress, I’d suggest you get several opinions from friends who are men enough to have a mutual, respectful, and equal relationships with the mothers of their brides and the grandmothers of their children.
There are such men? Yes. I have met them in every culture I’ve had the joy of visiting.
Posted in Children, Communication, In-laws, Voice |
3 Comments »
November 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
Call Rod now…..
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence |
358 Comments »
November 21, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I am involved with a woman I have known since our early teens. She was married and got divorced. She has two children and I love them all very much. My relationships (with them) are fine but I feel great insecurity about her ex-husband. I tell myself that I must be better and bigger. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to make the feelings go away? What can my partner do to help?” (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: Insecurity is both pervasive and generic. It will rear its head whenever its host is threatened or challenged. I’d guess you’ve had similar feelings stirring within you long before you became romantically involved.
Your partner can do nothing since your feelings are your business. Don’t try to make them her business. This is not about her ex-husband.
While you compete with her former husband, your new family (if you marry) will not know you for who you are. I challenge you to establish your unique approach to love and parenting without reference to the man with whom you may share parenting responsibilities.
Your feelings will not go away until you appreciate your unique contribution to the children and their mother, a role which, at its best, will compliment the ex-husband’s role with his children.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Family, Love, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather |
1 Comment »
November 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
My wife is constantly on her cell-phone. She is so “connected” with (text) messages and calls that it has more power over her than she realizes. It’s a drug. Even the children notice that she can hardly have a conversation without having one eye on the phone. Sometimes I want to flush it down the toilet. What should I do?
Push back will not help at all.....
Flushing it down the toilet will clog more than your plumbing.
Keep in mind that it is hardly ever possible to force or push people into change others desire for them. You might have noticed people have a way of exerting equal pressure in the opposite direction (they “push back”) when they feel coerced, cornered or trapped.
Therefore, I’d suggest you do as little as possible but to attempt to create the ambiance for a helpful conversation about your concern. Choose a relaxed, “unemotional” moment and gently, clearly state what it is that you think is an issue, then challenge your wife to consider the impact her response to her mobile phone is having upon her life and family.
It is hardly likely that this will be news to her, so challenge her to find her own way out of her electronic bondage (which of course, she might not consider a problem at all).
Posted in Communication, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Voice |
4 Comments »
November 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
My child (12) has become less and less interested in school over the past few months. He is lethargic and you’d think school was the worst place on Earth to have to go. He has always loved school and I don’t want him to become totally disengaged. Could it be the onset of puberty that is causing him to be so different than he was but a few months ago?
Yes. It could be the result of some of the physical changes he is, and will continue to face, as a young man. Do not allow this to be your way of excusing his lack of interest in school. Address his lethargy with him face-to-face in the most loving and kind way you are capable. Talk with him about the attitudinal changes you have noticed, but offer him no excuse for the adaptations he will have to make in order to stay on top of his academic pursuits. Your son, if he is to be a success, will have to adjust to a lot more in his life than the onset of puberty. As confusing as this time may be for him, offering it to him as an excuse to be lazy will only add to his confusions. If his lethargy persists, take him to your pediatrician for a check-up.
Posted in Children, Communication |
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October 24, 2006
by Rod Smith
People in Healthy Families:
1. Are spontaneous, creative, courageous, and forgiving
2. Are full of humor and laughter
3. Put people ahead of careers
4. Readily face tough issues when they arise
5. Support each other in their endeavors, and want each other to succeed
6. Believe in each other and speak highly of each other
7. Are not overly focused on each other to the point that anyone feels overcrowded
8. Can get time apart, without falling apart
9. Place a high regard on integrity in every way
10. Resist jealousy
11. Resist rescuing each other
12. Are not afraid to give children loving discipline and correction
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers |
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