November 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I read the 26 points and most of them relate to my situation. I was widowed 3 years ago after 30+ years of marriage. I was so very lost and it was suggested by a neighbor that a friend of his could help me with my plight. Two years on I am totally and utterly miserable, but feel unable to leave the situation. I don’t know why – perhaps its because I have never been alone to ‘find the real me’. He bombarded me with flowers, gifts, my son thought he’d walked into a florest shop! Very slowly he started to close in by saying that he didn’t see that much of me and I felt guilty – so eventually he was there every single day from 2pm onwards 7 days a week. If I went out to see a girlfriend during my day off from work he would ring me several times and if I didn’t hear or didn’t answer he would sulk (pout) and get ‘stroppy’ (ill-tempered). He accused me of having affairs with my colleagues, he read my emails, checked my phone. Before this all happened he wanted me to buy a house with him 1/3rd him 2/3rds me. (He got divorced last year 2007).
“Every holiday we have been on he has more or less ruined. If I fall asleep in the car he suddenly brakes to wake me up – says he is worried that I may injure myself if we have an accident! – my children hate him – he is coarse and abusive at times but comes across as a very nice man to others. His language is foul at times, he ripped his shirt off and grabbed a knife saying ‘use it on me’. His friends think he is Mr. Wonderful – this is just a short list of things he has done – he has hurt me physically but the worst thing of all is that he has played with my mind. I don’t know if its me half of the time because he says, ‘you don’t mean that, this is what you mean.’
“I believe he ‘preyed’ on me during the early stages of my loss and I was so alone I was grateful. He really did seem a nice person, but he has turned out to be something quite the opposite. I am still with him but don’t think it will be for much longer as he is getting fed up with me not making a commitment to him. I will not sell my house and buy one with him.
“I feel dreadful most days – so whoever reads this – please – if you know or know of someone who has recently been bereaved – tell them to beware – there are men out there that prey on the vulnerable.”
Four pointers to assist reader:
1. While this is not helpful now, a good rule of thumb is to NOT enter any new relationship until at least a year has passed after a divorce or the loss of a spouse. I believe one should wait for at least three years after a thirty-year marriage.
2. When things are “too good to be true” they almost always are. Wanting you home ALL the time, waking you up when you’re asleep in the car, checking your phone – all these are warning signs that you have met an abusive and controlling man. Control and love cannot co-exist. Run the other way no matter how many flowers he sends you.
3. Your future is not in this man’s hands, and nor is your future in the hands of any man or any relationship. You suggest he is “getting fed up” because you will not commit to him. It is time for your “fed-up-ness” to drive you to some important changes you want. Your emotional well-being is more important to you and you do not have to wait around until he decides he’s ready to make a change. Ask your adult children to help you get out of this situation as soon as possible. I am sure they will more than run to your help.
4. Expose ALL violent behavior, all abusive behavior – no matter how “nice” the man is to others. No person ever deserves to go through what you are enduring.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Schnarch, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 1, 2008
by Rod Smith
“You often mention ‘forgiving’ or ‘forgiveness.’ Is this blanket advice even to follow when the person who has perpetrated the wrong has not apologized or asked for forgiveness. If you forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness, are you then not letting that person get away with their bad behaviour and thus not putting a boundary in place? Surely the person will repeat the behaviour if they have not requested forgiveness?”
I do encourage people to forgive and sometimes include “even before it is asked of you” and “forgive, but don’t forget.” The act of forgiving is essentially for the person offering the forgiveness, and not one receiving it. When I forgive you for a real or perceived wrong against me, I am doing something good for my inner being. I am acting in a manner that extinguishes the emotional toxicity from within me. That you too are made free is a mere byproduct of mutual benefit.
Wanting another to ask (or beg, or plead) for forgiveness is to be somewhat punitive, which lacks the essence of authentic forgiveness. That I am able to forgive you and not allow myself to be similarly hurt by you in the future is where “forgive but don’t forget” comes into play.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Forgiveness, Victims, Voice |
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April 22, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend and I are about to get married. I have a problem. He’s insecure that my daughter’s father is in her life. What do I do to assure him that nothing is going on between my ex and me other than taking care of our child? What do I do?” (Edited)
It is not you who has the problem. He is the one who is insecure and he is the one who has the issue.
If the man is troubled that his soon-to-be stepdaughter is co-parented by her biological father, the man is not ready for marriage, let alone is he ready to assume duties as a stepparent.
Do not try to reason with insecurity (or jealousy, or possessiveness) or to pacify it. Don’t modify your acceptable and normal responses to your daughter and to her father in an attempt to appease the spirit of insecurity living within him.
Your attempts to please and pacify him will not succeed in anything but in making you into far less the woman you have every potential to be.
Such living will grind you down until you feel like nothing.
I’d suggest you run very fast in the other direction. Once you have gotten over the breakup, find a man who does not behave like a spoiled, hurt child. Such men do exist.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
1 Comment »
April 7, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Are clear and “up front” as possible about your expectations when facing new or changing circumstances.
2. Rehearse difficult conversations with a trusted friend before you have to engage in them.
3. Engage at deeper and more meaningful levels of conversation with people in your immediate family.
4. Work hard at ridding your self of debt.
5. Meet regularly with a small group of men and women who share your interests, your passions, and your burdens.
6. Forgive others for real or imagined grievances against you.
7. Creatively imagine ways to enhance and empower those whom you think may not have your best interests at heart.
8. Give handsomely to your house of faith, your former school, and to a charity you respect.
9. Write a brief history of your life, going into detail even over the most difficult issues you have ever faced.
10. Simplify your life by ridding yourself of unnecessary possessions.
11. Resist doing things for people they are fully capable of doing for themselves.
12. Resist expecting others to do for you the things you are fully capable of doing for yourself.
Posted in Boundaries |
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March 25, 2008
by Rod Smith
My family is troubled. We are facing financial issues, relationship problems, and change (one sister is getting married, one sister is getting divorced). I am 23 and feel as if my parents are looking to me to be the wise one. In the meantime I am trying to build my own life and get an education. I work two jobs and I really don’t feel like I have the time or the energy to be my family’s helper as well. I feel a lot of guilt over this. Please help. (Condensed)
There are no easy answers, no formula to tell you what you should or should not do, but there are broad guidelines: assume no debt you did not incur, go to the source of an issue rather than recruit others through gossip, define clearly what you will and will not do given any requests for help.
You will contribute more to your family’s problems (than you will contribute to the solutions) if you try to be more than a son to your parents and brother to your sisters. It takes great wisdom to avoid taking on what are not legitimately your responsibilities, and perhaps even greater wisdom to take responsibility for what are legitimately your responsibilities.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
2 Comments »
March 4, 2008
by Rod Smith
There are “injustice collectors” lurking in every organization…
He or she is very easily offended. Being offended (hurt, bruised) is a permanent condition.
His or her emotional life is akin to an over-ripe peach. Thus, the slightest disagreement, or your failure to smile (or thank, or praise) leaves him or her with a lingering bruise.
You’ve got to appreciate injustice collectors in exactly the manner in which he or she has trained you, or the fine for offending will be repeatedly demanded. And, even if he or she says he or she does forgive, injustice collectors are not big on forgiveness.
Injustice collectors enjoy being “best friends” which is another way of saying, “you’re mine, I own you, you will love me just like I train you to love me, or I will be offended, depressed, lost, hurt!”
And when “best friend” fails to conform, passive-aggression enters, and alas, best friend becomes “worst enemy.”
Work with one? Keep it light. Sing ditties around them. Don’t fall for it. When he or she tells you, with an accompanying martyr sigh, that he or she is hurt, tell him or her to put his or her feelings away, and get on with the tough job of living.
(I’ve used the bulky “him and her” and “he or she” so as not to offend!)
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Victims |
3 Comments »
February 21, 2008
by Rod Smith
A few times a week our son (6) comes to our bed in the night or very early in the morning. Sometimes I am so tired I have no resistance and let him sleep with us. Other times I get up and take him to his bed. I am more concerned about this than my husband is. He says it is no big deal and that he will grow out of it. It is the inconsistency that worries me. Please advise. (Edited)
Relax. Worrying too much can keep you up at night! Your son sleeps in his own bed some nights of the week, and comes to you regularly, but not always. Based on this, I’m going to go with your husband’s attitude.
Persist. Send the child back to his own bed as often as possible, and when you don’t, let him enjoy the warmth and the welcome a loving mother and father offer.
The less fuss you make, the less attention you draw to this matter, the quicker the boy will transition to waking up everyday in his own room.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Family, Parenting/Children, Space |
1 Comment »
February 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Blind you from the real issues you and your family are facing.
2. Distort your thinking either by amplifying or by minimizing the real issues.
3. Make you inordinately suspicious of others and so you create “necessary” enemies.
4. Make you inordinately trusting of a few in whom you place all your trust.
5. Suck all the energy out of you so you can hardly function, or,
6. Shift you into a high gear of over-functioning (doing for sake of doing) until you all but collapse in exhaustion.
7. Make you overly nice (superficially pleasant, kind, or generous) in order to keep people from wondering what is really going on with you.
8. Isolate you from the people who love you so that you are “outside” of the walls of your own helpful, loving community.
9. Keep you up at night so you are rendered too tired to function well during the day.
10. Drive you to temporary relief found in substances, alcohol or unhelpful sexual or damaging religious activity.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
3 Comments »
January 29, 2008
by Rod Smith
Did you hear about the mother who complained her children were always in her hair? Now that her son and daughter are adults she can’t get them to return her phone calls. They are out of much more than her hair.
What about the dad who buried himself in his work just to find some peace and quiet? Now that he’s retired and his adult children are living such busy lives he never sees them. The peace he craved is driving him crazy. He had no idea quietness could be so loud and unsettling.
Then there’s the one about the mother who complained the children slowed her down in the mornings making her late for everything. Now, with nowhere to go, she’s never late for anything. Her daughter texts her saying, “Can’t talk. Will phone next week.” Her son ignores her voicemails altogether.
And while these scenarios are birthed in my mind, the situations are very real. Go to any retirement home and you’ll hear tales of abandonment and woe. But here’s the really scary part: in so many ways we get what we want, and then discover we didn’t want it that much in the first place.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children |
3 Comments »
January 26, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I am in an affair with a married man. Although it is a year it seems like a lifetime. I was married when we began our relationship. My husband moved away and I thought he was going to make the break with his wife. One day he tells me not to give up on him. The next day he tells me he never said such a thing. He talks about ‘boundaries’ and how he ‘chooses not to leave’ his wife. I’m miserable. I go to bed alone every night. Every day I help him with his work while mine falls further behind. I would love some pearls of wisdom. I need to end this: but how?” (Edited)
The pearl of wisdom – “I need to end this” – is in your letter. Until you sever this destructive alliance (it’s not a “relationship”) you will have no joy. Until you have extended time alone (without a man in your life) you will not re-establish your integrity.
How do you end it? There is no easy way out! Resign. Disappear. Move to a new city. Change your phone numbers. You owe him no “closure” or explanation. Of course this is tough but the sooner you act, the sooner you will find relief from your misery.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Victims, Voice |
9 Comments »
Four pointers to assist reader:
difficultrelationships.com 