You get what you want…..

by Rod Smith

Did you hear about the mother who complained her children were always in her hair? Now that her son and daughter are adults she can’t get them to return her phone calls. They are out of much more than her hair.

What about the dad who buried himself in his work just to find some peace and quiet? Now that he’s retired and his adult children are living such busy lives he never sees them. The peace he craved is driving him crazy. He had no idea quietness could be so loud and unsettling.

Then there’s the one about the mother who complained the children slowed her down in the mornings making her late for everything. Now, with nowhere to go, she’s never late for anything. Her daughter texts her saying, “Can’t talk. Will phone next week.” Her son ignores her voicemails altogether.

And while these scenarios are birthed in my mind, the situations are very real. Go to any retirement home and you’ll hear tales of abandonment and woe. But here’s the really scary part: in so many ways we get what we want, and then discover we didn’t want it that much in the first place.

3 Comments to “You get what you want…..”

  1. Hello, I am in a blended family, well sort of, we are on our way out of it I guess now…. I have 3 boys, the oldest 14, has moved to another city to live with his bio dad. My other two are 7 and 9. The 7 yr old is ODD and can be very trying… My so-called commom law, I say so-called b/c he will NEVER admit that is what we are, er… were, he has two daughters 8 and 11, they live 7hrs away with their mom and moms common law. Everything big my “common law” has purchased during our 3 yr relationship is in his fathers name, the 3 work trailers, the 5th wheel, truck, etc, etc…. NOTHING is in OUR name or even his… well the rental agreement is in HIS name, despite we got the home together. He has been telling me for some time now, a yr or more that is NOT my boys father and is NOT responsible for them… in any way, shape or form. This hurts me very much b/c their bio dad has very little to do with them and when my ‘common law’ and I met, he actually knew my kids before he knew me….. through our relationship, my youngest was diagnosed with ODD, lots of unhappy things have happened but we trudged through. He chooses to not do things alone with my boys as “he can’t handle them” and family time has been mute for some months now. I do know my boys are well “boys” and they can be trying, but can’t all kids? I believe so…. that is part of being a child. He (“common law”) also says that my boys will not get his respect until they give him respect???? WHAT? Aren’t we as the parent/adult supposed to help teach children respect and how else better that to show them respect? He also believes that discipline and love DO NOT go hand in hand, therefore, ALL he does is discipline… my boys respect him, somewhat, but only b/c they are afraid of him…. Recently, after I had an hour long meeting with my youngest sons teacher and then later a phone call from the VP of his school, I expressed my sadness, frustration etc to my “common law” and he came back with, ‘Well, I can’t live under the same roof as _____ mucher longer either” These words crushed me… Then as I was very upset, sitting by myself in the front room, he came in and said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want you to get mad” I asked what it was and he asked if I had the $60.00 it cost him to fill my van with gas. Now it had been a few weeks, but I was in between jobs and struggling as he DOES NOT support me or my kids financially. As we talked that night, he told me that “I don’t even drink milk, why should I buy it?” My kids drink the milk… but he doesn’t feel he should buy milk for MY KIDS to drink… He also has told me on different occassions that he couldn’t stand getting up with my kids in the mornings, and recently told me that he hated getting up in the morning and coming home b/c of my youngest son…. many other things are in the mix of this… I work a full time job, get my boys to their sports and activities, my middle son and I have a flyer route we do twice a week, I also take care of the entire household chores, including all of my “common laws’ laundry etc… he does help out with dishes when he is home for supper, which is very seldom… my boys also have their chores in the home… but I do all of these things, which I truly do not mind… at all, but when I make supper and my ‘common law’ doesn’t call to say he will be late, or at home for supper at all, I find that is disrespectful…. I’ve made many plans for he and I to do things together and he just doesn’t make it, or even call to say he can’t, something is always more important… the same deal when I try to arrange family things… he always tells me I do to much for the kids and not enough for myself, to make me happy, but he doesn’t get that FAMILY time, time with him and doing things for my kids, like hockey makes me very happy….

    We got ‘commitment’ rings a yr ago November, I just took mine off, I don’t feel right wearing a ring that is a sign of commitment when I am committed to him and his daughters, but he is not to me or my boys… I also started sleeping in the basement with my boys… I told him I wanted a man that family and relationships were a high priority and that I couldn’t be with a man that was not devoted and commited to myself and my children, a man that cannot accept us for the good and the bad… He holds on to every negative word spoken, every unhappy experience, files it and reverts to it…. if he is upset with my kids, I feel it, he becomes distant with me, if we have an arguement, he pulls from me, won’t talk or offer any solutions… The problem is, I LOVE HIM… WHY? Not so sure anymore… I guess, I love what we had in the beginning…. I love him b/c of how he was in the beginning and I have this hope and belief that somehow, we will get that back… but I can’t continue to suffer and for my kids to have a bio dad AND a step like dad that neither of them care…. So… my heart is broken, my future feels broken and I have so many hopes with so many doubts to go along with them…. IS THERE ANY HOPE? or should I walk away? Oh and if we ‘split’ he told me the children and I would have to move out…..
    Thanks…. Lisa

  2. My son met his step mom when he was 2. He didn’t want to visit his father nor step mom by the time he was 4 yrs old. I encouraged him to respect her and love his sister. 3 sisters and 13 years later, he began living with them. Dad use to make threats to take him away when our son was a month old. He makes the same threats to his wife about their children. My son tells me so much about his life and said he wants to come back home but doesn’t want to tell the judge or his father. Since then, Dad refuses to meet me for my court ordered visits so DAD must have an idea he wants to come back home to me. They moved without my knowledge, changed him in a different school! Craziness and the step mom sits in court like she has some issues with me. That makes my skin boil since I am the only one that knows how my son didn’t even like her and how I tried to keep the peace with THEM! I haven’t seen my son in over 8 months straight. I only use myspace to communicate and tell him I love him. I wanted my son to be apart of his father and step families lives. Dad never paid his court ordered child support for 13 years…yet he and step mom tells my son, I don’t pay child support?! Our son never knew his dad was a trifling person owing $16,000…which my $400 a month is paying down his back pay? How fair is life?

    So you are right…I wanted my son to love his extended/blended family…in the end, he is living with them and they tell him negative things and as soon as I explain my side…I’m talking about them.

    I miss my son and only look forward to our future when he can separate the truth from a lie.

    I am trying to find others that survived this. My exhusband had gone through this and in his adult life, couldn’t stay away from his mom…but hated females. We are divorced because of it. Is this what I have to look forward to my son being? A man who hates women because he is being taught to hate me?

  3. This challenge is not just true to blended families. All parents experience the dilemma of ending up alone and lonely. Learn more how to handle situations like these. I invite you to join me for a Live 60-minute call-in Teleseminar on Thursday, July 31st, 6PM Pacific / 9PM Eastern. Please visit to be able to participate in the call for free.

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