April 6, 2009
by Rod Smith
Infidelity is hard to forgive. Not forgiving it is harder. One is a severe punch. The other is a double whammy, its impact potentially outlasting the memory of the betrayal.
Unwillingness to forgive is often the only thing onto which a slighted spouse can hold, the only available ammunition to make a spouse pay. It’s easy to understand. Logical. It’s predictable. But, it ferries undesirable consequences.
Resentment might feel like a good and effective tool to hurt a partner for misdeeds, but it will make you most unattractive. Bitterness might be the most prevalent and obvious
emotion to feel, to use, but it will persistently eat you from the inside, leave you feeling even angrier, even more powerless over your life. Then, apart from punishing your spouse, they (resentment and bitterness) will punish you and contaminate all your relationships. In short, they have no boundaries and they are on a mission to deface all that is good and pure.
Who, from any arena of your life, wants to engage a bitter and resentful person in anything meaningful? His or her infidelity might make a spouse untrustworthy, but your resentment and bitterness will ultimately make you most unattractive!
A partner’s infidelity may rob you of trust, rob you of the sacredness of what you had in marriage, but given time, given time to hurt and to express feelings of appropriate anger, I suggest you relinquish your legitimate right to be angry, and forgive.
This is the high road. And your inner beauty will be strengthened, your light will once again begin to shine. And, your unfaithful spouse will no longer be in control of you or your future whether you remain married or not.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Marriage, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery |
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March 24, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My wife insists on doing our son’s homework with him almost to the point that she is more involved in it that he is. This annoys me and I have to even leave the house when she over does it. ‘He is only ten,’ she says, ‘and he needs all the encouragement that he can get.’ I say he needs to learn to work on his own. Please help.”
Your reaction will become “glue” for your wife and son, and it will fuel your wife’s zeal. Air your views, offer your son your own form of help and support, and then back off. If you “get between” the mother and her son, both will use the alliance in a manner that is counter-productive to overall family health. Here’s the axiom: resist getting in the middle of relationships that you are not part of. Now before I am deluged with mail, let me explain: your wife and son’s relationship is separate from the relationships you enjoy with each of them. Stay out of it – but, at the same time, invest totally in what you enjoy with each.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
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March 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
“For the past almost four years I have been living a lie. My husband has no idea that I am involved with my boss. His wife is oblivious to our relationship. If I bring this all out in the open it will destroy two families. What can I do?”
There are no easy answers to this difficult circumstance – but your secret liaison is distorting your view of everything. Understandably, you appear to want to fix something while also keeping it hidden – and I am not sure this is possible. A good place to begin would be with removing yourself from the predatory behavior (it is predatory BECAUSE he is the boss) of your boss. Resign. Look for another job. Do whatever it takes to come out from under his influence. Way will lead to way – and, while you are yet under his spell, you will not be able to see your way forward. Come clean first with yourself. Then we can start to talk about what needs to be done about the other victims in this sad scenario.
Posted in Affairs, Boundaries, Communication |
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March 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband has been acting strangely since December. I’ve been trying to pry from him whatever is bothering him, but we these talks have led to nothing. He stopped saying ‘I love you too’ on the phone, which also hurts me. I finally told him we needed a serious talk. He didn’t actually tell me that he didn’t love me, but he won’t respond. He told me he has bottled up so many emotions and problems over the past year that they just festered inside and he’s rotted away with them. He wants help but we cannot afford it right now. I’ve always told him to tell me how he feels or if something I am doing is wrong, but he just keeps everything inside. Now he is a lifeless shell that goes through the same routine every day. I want to tell him I love him but it hurts to hear ‘okay’ in response.” (Edited)
Festering inside! Lifeless shell! Rotting away? I’d suggest your husband cannot afford not to get help. Unless there are entire chapters of your husband’s life that he is not divulging, it appears your husband is battling at least some form of depression. Beg or borrow, do anything ethical to get professional help.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Marriage |
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February 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take Up Your Life
, manipulation, domination, or intimidation. Spiritual Abuse (which is always expressed in varying degrees) is occurring when a pastor, leader, or even a friend:
1. “Hears” God for you. God apparently “goes through” him/her to speak to you. (This requires a sense of superiority – from him or her and is often framed as being “more mature,” and a sense of being “less” from you.)
2. Alienates (shuns, ignores) you if you do not adhere to his/her guidance, leadership, or authority. (This is usually VERY subtle – so it is easy to deny.)
3. Suggests that rejection of his/her “higher understanding” is done so at your spiritual or even physical peril. (You will hear things like, “Be careful. You will move yourself from the covering and protection of God.”)
4. Rewards your obedience with inclusion, and punishes your questioning or resistance with withdrawal. (Compliance gets stroked, resistance gets struck!)
5. Demands “cathartic” honesty. Unless you spew out every detail of your life you must be hiding or withholding something (and that “something” will, of course, impede your spiritual development).
6. Lavishes you with praise, acceptance, and understanding when you are “good” and “pushes” you away when you are “bad.”
7. Is apparently fixated on the use of titles like reverend, pastor, elder and cannot appear to relax in the company of “ordinary” mortals. The issue is not in the use of legitimate titles (or robes or religious garb) – it is that identity seems impossible without the titles or the trappings.
8. Leaves a trail of cut-off relationships. Usually in the trail are those who refuse to bow, to submit, to stand in awe of, to be thoroughly entranced by, the will of the pastor, the leader or the friend. Always regard with suspicion or caution leaders who are cut off or alienated from members of their family, especially their parents.
9. Lives from a “for me/or against me,” “black/white,” “all/or nothing” platform of “relationships.”
10. Genuinely sees God’s Call so zealously, so fervently that any signs of resistance are seen as the expressions of The Enemy or an enemy – thus, relationships are expedient (disposable) in the light of getting on with God’s work.
The perpetrators of abuse apparently fail to see that reconciliation, and forgiveness, “space,” and room to move, and room to respectfully disagree (boundaries, morality) are all part of the glorious work of the Gospel. Freedom begins with recognition. Recognition must result in action. Stand up to those who misuse their positions of leadership. Spiritual abuse serves the welfare or neither the perpetrator nor the victim – quite apart from the disservice it does to the church.
(This post is written in honor of “J” in Honolulu – I am sorry for all you had to endure.)
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication |
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January 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
Many adults (myself, of course, included) struggle with maintaining good and healthy boundaries. It’s part of the human condition. Knowing where I “end” and where you “begin” is not always easy. Knowing what is my responsibility, and what is not my responsibility is often fuzzy and ambiguous. Knowing when and how to draw my “line in the sand” when it comes to loving others and parenting children is certainly not for the faint hearted. Good boundaries – are a life-long challenge.
Another challenge, which seems less frequently addressed, and integral to having good boundaries, is the matter of also having good brakes. It is important to know when to “apply the brakes,” when to slow down, and to know when to stop. Knowing when “enough is enough” would save a lot of heartbreak. Persons with fuzzy boundaries often seem to have no, or at least poor, brakes. They tend to go over-board, to buy too much, to give too much, talk too much, to pursue too much.
Here is the challenge: work as always, on your boundaries. Then, sharpen your awareness of when it is time to apply the brakes. Resist over-giving, over-loving, indulging, chasing, buying, showering with attention — when it comes to those whom you say you love. Sometimes enough really is enough.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries |
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January 25, 2009
by Rod Smith
Order through link on the right
Let go of what is not yours. Hold what is yours with open hands. Sever yourself from electronic devices and your Internet connection for several hours, even days, each week. Go for a long walk. Read
To Kill a Mockingbird even if you studied it at school. Be unpredictable. Risk more. Seek adventure above safety or balance. Give. Climb
down the corporate ladder. Forgive those who hurt you. Give up being right. Affirm others. Thank others. Read
Cry, The Beloved Country.
Listen. Talk less. Learn, and use, people’s names. Watch the movies
Bruce Almighty, Shirley Valentine, Babette’s Feast, and
Billy Elliot. Forgive. Hand-write, and mail, thank you cards. Read the “Sermon on the Mount” no matter what your core religious beliefs.
Stop victim thinking or behaving like one. Blaming the past, others, or negative circumstances, for your current situation, even with cause, is seldom productive.
Relinquish the idea of having the power to change those whom you love. Open the way for others to succeed. Stand in the gap for friends.
Become outrageously generous. By all means,
get out of yourself, and you will find, somewhat ironically, that you will be a lot more comfortable with yourself and “things” really will, – improve.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Faith, Family, Leadership, Love |
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January 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
My boyfriend of 10 years says he doesn’t love me anymore and is tired of pretending. I feel like I just lost my best friend. I don’t understand how a man can go out every night and drink while he has a beautiful woman at home? He’s not seeing anyone else. He claims he wants to be alone. I know he is getting brain washed by his brother who has had a failed marriage and who would hate to see his brother happy. His brother has always put me down and has gone as far to call me ugly. This is a sad situation because my boyfriend is letting his brother win. I know my boyfriend is a good man with good intentions who is throwing away our relationship to make his brother happy. Please give me some advice.
Order through link on the right
to the brother than any brother can wield – except if your boyfriend was inclined to want to detach from you already. Mourn. Take stock of who you are and where you want to go with you life. Pick yourself up. If you work hard to stop him leaving, keeping him will require even harder work. Who could possibly want to live like that?
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, In-laws |
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January 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been in a four-year relationship with a married man. I still believe in his love but also believe he needs a push to do the right thing. I told him he has to own up to the affair and tell the wife himself, or I will tell her. I am not walking away with nothing after giving four years of my life. Then the wife can either have the choice of working things out with him or getting a divorce. It’s the women always make the decisions in the end.”
You might believe in “his love” (for you) but it is hard to believe you have any love for him. You clearly ignored any “push” to do the “right thing” and regard married men as “off limits.” While you are apparently vengeful and determined, you will most certainly find only temporary and limited personal peace.
I hope you will have some dramatic moment of insight, some divine encounter, an event of sorts that transforms you from within, and makes you ready to learn and ready love in ways that are helpful to you and to all persons in your sphere of influence.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication |
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December 22, 2008
by Rod Smith
“As I write my girlfriend is on holiday with her two daughters and her ex-husband. She planned the trip to be with just the girls and when they went to pick up something from his house he was already packed and asked to leave with them. Not wanting to cause a fight in front of the girls, she said it was fine, and they left together. They are away now. She tells me she has no feelings for him and she wishes I were there instead. She wants to have a good relationship with the ex for the sake of the girls. I will pray to God and let Him guide me as He always has. If she is truthful, then everything is fine. In my gut, I know that boundaries take time to establish themselves. I have been trying to take my mom’s advice, “Get to know her, focus on yourself.” I feel at peace. We are neither married, nor engaged. We can change our minds at anytime. If I find that she has lied, or is untrustworthy in anyway, I will move on, having conducted myself in a kind, and unselfish way.”
I love your mother’s advice. Such thinking will save you a lot of pain and avert a lot of damaging anger.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships |
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