December 26, 2017
by Rod Smith
I call these few days between Christmas and New Year the doldrums. They’re a breather: a time to drift between calendar high points. I get nostalgic. I experience strong elements of necessary regret as I wait for the promise of the new calendar year to kick in.
I am always reminded:
- Integrity, honesty, kindness, forgiveness, and reconciliation – all captured by the word holiness, is local. By “local” I mean immediate and with the people with whom I share every day life.
- If it (idea, principle, program) doesn’t work right here, now and with this family member, neighbor, colleague, it’s worthless.
- All worthwhile positive change is first internal – the outward follows the inward. It may be convenient to switch this – thinking the inward follows the outward – but doing so is a waste of time.
- It is possible for people to regard each other with deep, authentic respect but it is impossible without commitment to profound listening. All love begins and is demonstrated with listening and listening takes commitment and time.
- Things are not fair or reasonable or kind while one party is gaining or advancing at the expense of another.
Please, let me know the things you think about as you prepare for your year ahead. I know we can learn from each other – it just takes a commitment to listening.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Meditation, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Womanhood |
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December 14, 2017
by Rod Smith
Of course families all over the world deal with the pain of separation. Perhaps South Africans deal with it a little more than others.
This letter moved me very deeply:
“I have just read your column about family. My eldest daughter and her husband and two children emigrated on the weekend. This all happened very quickly, as a result of a good job offer. When we first heard about the possibility I was supportive on the outside but hurting terribly on the inside. On waving goodbye to them at the airport I was swamped by a sense of utter loss. It’s difficult to get a grip on it, and deal with it. My wife is also battling but she holds it all in. Perhaps its because where they have moved seems almost a parallel universe, but very far away. There is knowledge that its unlikely we will see them again for some years. The grandkids are very young and the thought of missing out on their growing years is hurting. I guess I am very saddened but thankful too that they will have an opportunity to grow up in a safe environment. I trust this hurt will subside. The feeling of emptiness will fade. I’m angry too, if I’m honest. Family is everything to me.” (Published with permission)
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Long distance relationships |
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December 13, 2017
by Rod Smith
When my first born was a few days old a woman whom I had known for a few years, and was really well-meaning, arrived at my house and suggested I give the baby to a real family.
Her understanding of the context and reason my son’s birth mother choose me to be his (solo) parent was very limited. While the immediate (minimal) shock and pain of that encounter has long worn off (and healed), the exchange – which happened to be the first of many strange or unexpected encounters – did give me what I believe to be a greater acuteness or awareness of what it is that makes a group of people family.
I’d really like to hear your views. Here are a few of mine. A family:
- Is a place where people are most often related by marriage or blood but often they are not.
- Is a place where people, who usually share space (but not always), are enduringly committed to each others highest good even if and when the highest good is painful and costly.
- Is a platform where people can express their differences without being alienated or made to feel bad or wrong for expressing or embodying differences.
- Is a place where members feel safe (mostly) and when they don’t (feel safe) they can say so and someone in the family will listen and hear and try to understand.
- It’s a place where, if someone doesn’t feel safe and says so, the person who listens and hears will be able to help discern if feeling unsafe or unsure is appropriate. The process of growing and learning can be very unsettling and feeling unsettled can lead to increasing feelings of vulnerability.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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December 6, 2017
by Rod Smith
Enabling is rampant in many families.
It can involve:
- Covering for someone so outsiders do not notice or find out about his or her undesirable behavior (drinking, gambling, addictive habits).
- Relaying lies to a workplace – calling in to say he or she is ill when he or she is unable to work because of the addiction.
- Permitting, turning a blind-eye, cooperating, letting things go unnoticed to keep the peace or because it feel easier.
Enabling behaviors are often subtle way of disguising who it is in a family who is in need of help. The enabler often appears to be the strong or the healthy one. Control is the name of the game – and family life can feel like one.
Empowering is common in healthy families.
It can involve:
- Getting out of each other’s way so people can learn from errors and get credit for their successes.
- Allowing natural consequences to follow choices so people can learn just how powerful really are.
- Trusting and believing in each other even when things do not go to plan or appear to be falling apart.
Empowered people require the company of other empowered people and all require a strong sense of self. Freedom to discover and to learn are the hallmark of the empowered.
Posted in Addictions, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Pornography, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Sex education, Sex matters, Shame, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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December 3, 2017
by Rod Smith
You’ve heard about an adrenalin rush. I’ve seen ego rush. I see it in in groups, teams, and in classrooms. I detect it rumbling in me. Perhaps it’s natural and part of survival.
Symptoms of an ego rush occurring:
- Authentic conversation – the give and take and the sharing and building on ideas of others – seems impossible. It’s verbal arm-wrestling or nothing.
- Perceived insults, rebuffs, refusals, or dismissals are stored. They lurk in awareness, crouched for attack when the timing is right.
- What a person knows must be known and he or she will nudge and provoke until you share his or her belief in his or her superiority.
- The ego will win by winning or it will win by losing but humility and backing down are not options.
- Actual loss, perceived as humiliation, is temporary – a matter of perception. The “loser” will circle around and get even.
- Everything spins around hierarchy and real engagement, the wrangling, is delayed until the hierarchy is figured out.
- Conversations are calculated and are a means to advance an undisclosed agenda.
- The presence of authentic humility escapes or confuses those caught up in the ego rush as much as witnessing or trying to engage in a conversation using a totally foreign language.
Posted in Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Long distance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Shame, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 30, 2017
by Rod Smith
When referring to my brother’s generosity I wrote that I believe generosity is among several of the most powerful human abilities. I’ve seen it time and again do its fabulous work.
Here are more of what I believe to be innate human capacities.
Exercised, they make us “more human.” Neglected or ignored, I believe they render us rather cold, even inhuman:
- The capacity to forgive even the most grievous offenses – yes, of course it’s hard, but NOT doing so may be even harder.
- The capacity for empathy – to see and understand, but of course, not necessarily agree with, the perspective of another, even that of an enemy.
- The capacity to influence for good (and, to influence for ill is bundled within the same set of human strengths). We have the power to influence – let’s hope it is used for good.
- The capacity to learn from mistakes and errors, and to learn that it is possible to not repeat them.
- The capacity to move up the brain and therefore allow ones self to think more objectively, engage in better long-term planning, and form the habit of responding rather than reacting.
- The capacity to listen more than to speak. If we listen we may actually learn something – when we speak we are usually repeating what we think we already know.
- The capacity to calm the ego rush – or the ability to see and understand that being right or recognized or winning doesn’t come close to the joy of learning to be loving.
Posted in Addictions, Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief |
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November 28, 2017
by Rod Smith
- If plans derailed they were quick to listen in order to understand rather than to blame.
- They searched for solutions not problems.
- They understood their weaknesses and did not try to conceal or deny them.
- They wanted to learn and were open to learn from anybody.
- They were often not the installed or appointed leader of the business or community.
- They were not easily fazed or frazzled. They understood that few immediate crises possess the power to topple a healthy organization.
- They regularly outlined the big picture, the long-term goals – they set the direction.
- They knew people by name and used names.
- They authentically and publicly praised good work. They said “please” and “thank you” a lot.
- They looked for ways to serve and did so when it was necessary and not to make a show or make a statement.
- They held confidences. If they talked about others behind their backs it was only to offer praise for work well done.
- They micro-managed themselves, only. They trusted themselves and could therefore trust others.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family Systems Theory, Leadership |
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November 26, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Tuesday
I’ve seen women and men painstakingly pick up pieces of their lives after a broken marriage.
This is necessary, natural, and understandable. Deep love, when it ends, at least for one party, is scarily disorientating.
Some never recover. A broken heart can really cause a slow (or a quick) death.
Perhaps you are you tripping over evidence of a terminated relationship. Letters, photographs, or books seem to appear from nowhere and evoke fresh pains or salt for the wounds.
A purge may be necessary, but it’s not for all.
The loot may be all you have. It can become a crucial stepping-stone to greater health. Or it can be a debilitating anchor.
I’ve been confused about why some friendships have ended. I examine memories for clues to what, how, and why things went wrong.
There are times this is unnecessary.
My damaging role is painfully clear.
The pain I caused is deep for others and obvious to me. And, my own and deserved pain is utterly near.
What do we do with our pain – deserved or not?
Options are unlimited once confession occurs.
Confession, of course, does not mean mutual forgiveness is inevitable. It’s not.
Options broaden with confession and commitment to learn from the past.
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Education, Faith, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Grief, Listening, Manipulation, Meditation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 21, 2017
by Rod Smith
What’s your inner-voice saying about your diet, spending, gambling, or your role in your family conflicts? I bet you hear or feel the nudge of your inner-voice when you speak harshly to others or are hard or cruel. I thoroughly believe that many of our interpersonal troubles come from the unwillingness or the inability to hear or trust our inner sane voice.
There’s a sane and beautiful person living within you and he or she is trying to get through to you.
If you think things through you will agree that you know what’s good and right, and what is not. I believe we know when we are using others for our own purposes and when we sacrifice their best interests for our own.
We know what to eat and what to avoid.
I know if I am lying or twisting truth in my favor.
Even the most hardened of liars is aware of it – even if the “skill” seems “second nature.”
Of course there are men and women who do indeed have schizoid conditions and to whom this column would not apply – but the vast majority of us have a sane inner-voice that’s aching for a hearing.
Listening in, acting accordingly, would save us an awful lot of pain, trouble, and therapy.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Voice |
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November 16, 2017
by Rod Smith
What is the year teaching you? Please, reflect and let me know. Here are a few things I am learning afresh and re-learning:
- Trust broken is hard to restore. My experience is that forgiveness can restore broken trust but the ability to trust again can take a long time to restore. This is especially so with close friendships and infidelity in marriage.
- No one is more important than anyone else. To be intimidated by another is a waste of opportunity and energy. Yes, we all have different roles. We are afforded a variety of degrees of power and responsibility that come with our varying roles, but using that power to lord it over another is the surest indication that the power is in the wrong hands.
- Some individuals are so significantly hurt that the real person has disappeared behind shame, regret, and pretense. The defense has become the identity. The vulnerable person inside died a very long time ago and, sadly, will probably never be known.
- Ignored conflicts and family issues that are unaddressed will remain and usually grow. The issues may change shape, may go into hiding, may remain latent for decades – but they will surface and get necessary attention.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Leadership, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Womanhood |
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