July 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”
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Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.
While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.
Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.
Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.
It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 9, 2010
by Rod Smith
“For thirty six years of marriage I endured a wide range of control issues. On looking back I find that there is something to the victim / perpetrator relationships. I don’t think people ask to be abused or controlled by others, but there are personalities that have the traits that (seem to push) the buttons which encourage the roles in which we fill. I think those who have a greater network of family and friends are less likely to get involved in a relationship that reveal early on the red flags for control and abuse, which to me are really the same.” (Lifted from a longer letter)
While, of course, I too would not blame a victim of control and abuse for initiating these destructive behaviors, it does take two to tangle (I did not mean “tango”). Some cooperation is necessary for the behavior to continue and to grow. Your observation is excellent. Living in a strong, healthy community (family, circle of friends) means and offers protection.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries |
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June 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been with my boyfriend for two years. All our arguments are about me ‘cheating.’ He wants me to delete my Facebook account and change my phone number. He is constantly tormenting me about who phoned me, ‘hit on me,’ and texts me. He’s talking marriage. Would he be the right man to live with for the rest of my life?” (Grammar modified)
The controlling / jealousy virus to which he plays host will not disappear because you get married – it will get worse. If this is how the man treats you when you are dating (when he is being most romantic) you can only imagine what he will be like when you are married.
If you want your wings permanently clipped, your hands in handcuffs, every move, friendship, and thought monitored (and you consider these manifestations of jealousy to be expressions of love) then, of course, he is the man for you.
The man needs help and you are not the one who can provide it.
Travel aside: My childhood in Red Hill exposed me to the best curry dishes on the planet. I’ve spent the last 20 years in the USA craving Natal curries! Singapore has it. I found it. Dinner in the Geylang District of this great Island Nation caused me to sweat with joy.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Friendship, Manipulation, Reactivity, Sexual abuse, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
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May 25, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My wife has a lot of interest from a man at work where they coach a sport together. What should I do?”
Get face-to-face with the man. Ask him directly what his intentions are and let him know what you are seeing with regards to his interest in your wife.
Ask your wife (who presumably says there is nothing going on) to include you in all correspondences, texts, emails, and so forth. If there is nothing to hide this should be no problem at all.
Volunteer regular hours to assist your wife. I am sure there is always a need for more help and it will be a way of spending time with your wife and getting a taste of what she is facing.
If there is anything going on between your wife and another man the best thing you can do is “push the system” or exert some pressure to have the truth come out. It might not be the truth you want, but then at least you will know it and be able to do what is necessary to get on with your life.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Difficult Relationships |
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May 16, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)
I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Recovery, Schnarch, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband had an ‘emotional affair’ with a girl from work. I was suffering post-natal depression and the affair started when he leant on her for support. I was the one who could have done with his support. Nothing physical happened but it almost ended our marriage. Every time he switched his phone on he had messages from her and she would ring him on his way home from work even though they had been on lunch together and seen each other all day. I eventually found him at her house – when he was supposed to be out on business. I told him it had to stop. He said they had become really close. It nearly destroyed me. My husband and I had always been extremely close. This girl knew exactly what she was doing. In the end I told him he had to choose. He chose me and we are still together. He still works with her and it still haunts me now. It caused me an unbearable amount of pain especially given we had such a young child.”
Greater depths of intimacy with someone other than the spouse spells trouble. Taking a stand on your part paid off. It almost always does. Congratulations.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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May 4, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am a ‘no-name-brand woman’ you wrote about. If my husband is favouring a good mood then he will use his made up name for me but never my Christian name. When I insist it is like water off a duck’s back and he uses such a long drawn out tone that I feel like a fool. After so many years of this indifferent approach I have pulled back and do not initiate intimacy. It seems he does not need closeness in his marriage and finds being loving too much of an effort. God forbid he holds my hand in public or puts his arm around me. If we need to walk anywhere he sets the pace and I am left walking 10 paces behind. I am still attractive and have a lovely figure so why does he resent being happy and proud of his wife? He is the breadwinner and always reminds us of that fact and thinks that he provides enough and does not need to provide emotions as well.” (Edited)
You got here together! Take responsibility for cooperating with rudeness and disregard. Become an expert on your behavior, not his. Until you get a voice and are prepared to lose your marriage you will be treated with callous indifference.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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April 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’ve just ended a five-year affair with a married man. I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years. There were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about. The intimacy was unbelievable and we became soul mates. He took photos of me and sent them to my husband. I want to stop this, to get rid of this. I want to live happy life with my husband and make my child happy. Please advise.” (Edited grammar only)
Your anger is misdirected.....
Presumably your husband will have to decide if he desires to continue to remain married. If he does, afford him extended time to vent his understandably angry feelings. Expect mistrust. Expect him to second-guess your every move. Unraveling deceit; exchanging it with trust – is no cakewalk.
Having come clean with your husband, some freedom and happiness might emerge in a few months, but it is likely to be years before the ramifications of your infidelity will sufficiently fade to render you totally free.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication |
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April 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout – yet you wish for it. You say something, then – wish you hadn’t. You know that no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will get magnified out of all proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted, misquoted, and repeated incorrectly forever. You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love but have second thoughts (actually a million thoughts!) about how love is supposed to feel.
You are usually wrong and you are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or, you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out you are “looking for trouble.”
In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky. Innocence is guilt. Pointing out obvious error is entrapment. You are exhausted with the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot, or will not, take responsibility for his or her own needs. You “share” life with an emotional piranha and yet, for some unfathomable reason, you stay, feeling unable to escape.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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April 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m 31. My husband is 69. I have a young daughter. When my mother was dying my husband helped me through a very dark time. In a state of confusion I ended up moving in and marring him. He is good to my daughter and me but we have never ever had sex. He doesn’t even try. I feel alone and empty. I started an affair with a wonderful man and can feel myself falling in love with him. When I’m with him he lights my whole life up. When I leave him I feel sad and torn. I don’t feel close to anyone and really want to leave. As much as I want to go I don’t want to hurt my husband but staying is killing me. I’m so unhappy I am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain. Any advice?”
Find face-to-face counseling that will assist you to talk things through with your husband. An affair, tablets, and playing hide-and-seek will temporarily alleviate the issues, but not resolve the issues in your sexless, unhappy marriage. Of course your affair “lights up” your “whole life.” This is what affairs do. They also seduce participants away from the “real” issues and offer avoidance, not love.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
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Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors. 
difficultrelationships.com 