Archive for ‘Anger’

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February 26, 2008

Affair still niggles at me….

by Rod Smith

“I cannot seem to break free of the memories I have when my wife was unfaithful to me. We have talked about it constantly and I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me for my anger. Yet, although it was quite a few years ago, it still niggles at me. Please help.”

Sometimes you have to let things go. I know someone’s going to send me an aggressive letter letting me I don’t understand and that it is not that easy to forget and so forth, but since you have both expressed sorrow, and each has offered forgiveness, and since much time has passed, and since the clock cannot be turned back – it is time to let it go!

It might be helpful to consider your wife’s unfaithfulness, not as something directed at you, but something she chose to do to herself. When a partner blames him or herself for the unfaithfulness of the spouse, this is not only harder to overcome, but grossly inaccurate thinking.

No matter what the circumstances, the one who chooses to be unfaithful is the one who must assume the responsibility for the unfaithfulness. No matter what the greater issues are in the marriage, cheating will not be a helpful option.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Voice | 5 Comments »

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February 26, 2008

I am an expert in my behavior…

by Rod Smith

“You have written that I am blind to my own behavior but an expert in the behavior of my abusive boyfriend. Actually I am very aware of my own behavior to the point of being an expert in it, too. The problem is that I don’t know how to get away from him. When he loves he really loves. I need his approval. I already know I need to get out. I just do not know how. Please help.” (Synthesized)

While I am aware that my writing will appear to judge you for not moving on with your life (and for not moving out of his life), offering you understanding or empathy is unlikely to stimulate you to make necessary, bold moves.

To find your freedom there is no escaping necessary pain.

Gathering, becoming part of a supportive community, is essential in taking such a step.

Before you point it out, I am very aware that abusive men tend to isolate their victims so finding and developing a community feels impossible to the victim.

You must break out, become unpredictable and begin to forge a life without him. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate.

Remember love is NEVER abusive (not at all, ever) and even a little abuse is enough reason to move on.

Posted in Anger, Victims, Violence, Voice | Leave a Comment »

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February 18, 2008

He makes fun of me and minimizes our relationship…

by Rod Smith

“I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. When we’re fighting he phones old girlfriends, won’t answer his phone, is extremely verbally abusive, and minimizes our relationship (because we’re not married). He mocks and makes fun of me if I cry. He has destroyed my belongings and stays out all night. He calls a woman behind my back, and faults me for not trusting him. He stayed at her house on one of his ‘all-nighters’ (I found him there). He calls me controlling and says he won’t be told who he can speak to.” (Very minimal edits)

Here we go again! You are an expert in HIS behavior, yet seem blind to yours. Apparently after all this trauma, conflict, jealousy, snooping around, raised voices and humiliating behavior performed by each of you – YOU keep going back for more!

Let the man go on his immature, pathological way. Don’t hold him back. Oh, I know. I am going to get letters telling me I am blaming the victim, that moving out is not that easy, and love will prevail – but this “relationship” (actually it is nothing more than furious-fusion) will never survive. The sooner you pack your bags (or dump his out the door) the better.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Victims, Violence, Voice | 8 Comments »

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February 13, 2008

Bi-polar husband and his road-rage….

by Rod Smith

“My husband is bipolar and for almost all of our married life he has shown severe aggression whilst driving. The slightest irritation on the road would cause him to exhibit road rage. He would most often tailgate and show aggressive signs to other drivers. I have known him to get out of his vehicle to remonstrate with other motorists, without fear of his life or the safety of others, including my own or our young family. The slightest intake of breath on my part would make him angrier, and he would be even more reckless. I often felt as though a gun was being held to my head, except that the weapon was the motor vehicle. Other than not to travel with him for months on end, I felt trapped. I had thoughts of going to the Metro Police to report him, but feared repercussions. What steps I should have taken? Due to illness he no longer drives. Please Rod, what could I, or should I have done?”

This is a tough call. Bi-polar or not, no one has the right to endanger his family and others. Staying out of the car was a good thing to do! Readers, please, send your suggestions!

Posted in Anger, Reactivity, Violence, Voice | 11 Comments »

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February 11, 2008

Things to say, in your own words, to a jealous person…

by Rod Smith

“I am sorry I have facilitated your insecurities by allowing your jealousy to influence my behavior. I will try not to do this anymore. It is not good for either of us. Walking on egg-shells is not how I like to spend my energy.”

“Going out to dinner with my friends (daughter, son, mother, father, brother, sister) is something I like to do and I sometimes like to do it alone. You are perfectly capable of understanding that having other important relationships does not mean I am rejecting you. Healthy adults can keep many relationships going at the same time. Why don’t you try it sometime?”

“We are each better off when honest, even if what we have to say is painful. Keeping you happy is too large a task for me. I hereby give that responsibility back to you. Anger, resentment, and the failure to forgive – all fruits of jealousy – are individual pursuits. You have to take care of this on your own. I am not going to interfere with your journey by trying to resolve your issues for you.”

“To love you is to stay out of your control. I’d rather have no relationships than relationships that inhibit who I am.”

Posted in Anger, Attraction, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Victims, Violence, Voice | 5 Comments »

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February 10, 2008

Addressing jealousy…

by Rod Smith

Jealousy will remove purity from your relationship. Since jealousy expresses the very opposite of trust, once the jealousy virus entrenches itself (which it usually does perversely in the name of love) you and your relationship will become something you do not want to be. Freedom will be displaced by resentment.

The jealous person will behave in ways other than preferred and will become progressively controlling, demanding, and quite unattractive. In response, the victim will begin to behave in ways other than preferred, and, over time, will lose his or her self-respect. Love that might once have existed will be replaced with resentment and regret.

Of course, he or she can’t be authentic, relaxed, honest, and off-guard when driven by jealousy. And, of course, the “victim” of jealousy cannot be authentic, relaxed, honest, and off-guard when he or she knows suspicious eyes are monitoring every move.

To be free, and if the individuals and the relationship are to survive, the virus has to be named, exposed, expelled, and then consistently resisted. The victim must learn to refuse to obey its demands and must remain out of control. The perpetrator must learn that the behavior he or she believed would sustain the relationship will rip it to irreparable shreds.

Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice | 5 Comments »

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January 26, 2008

Alone and hurting….

by Rod Smith

“I am in an affair with a married man. Although it is a year it seems like a lifetime. I was married when we began our relationship. My husband moved away and I thought he was going to make the break with his wife. One day he tells me not to give up on him. The next day he tells me he never said such a thing. He talks about ‘boundaries’ and how he ‘chooses not to leave’ his wife. I’m miserable. I go to bed alone every night. Every day I help him with his work while mine falls further behind. I would love some pearls of wisdom. I need to end this: but how?” (Edited)

The pearl of wisdom – “I need to end this” – is in your letter. Until you sever this destructive alliance (it’s not a “relationship”) you will have no joy. Until you have extended time alone (without a man in your life) you will not re-establish your integrity.

How do you end it? There is no easy way out! Resign. Disappear. Move to a new city. Change your phone numbers. You owe him no “closure” or explanation. Of course this is tough but the sooner you act, the sooner you will find relief from your misery.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Victims, Voice | 9 Comments »

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January 14, 2008

A woman writes, after ending her affair…..

by Rod Smith

“Wow! I happened to fall upon this site and I am so amazed at all the responses on this matter. I am not proud of what I am about to say but I fell in love with a married man. It started out as a professional relationship, but he flirted and pursued me and eventually I relented.

I believed him when he said, “nothing would change between us professionally.”

I believed him when he said “I have never done this before”….but little clues led me to believe different.

The fact that when his wife called him on his cell and he answered (while I was present) he would look me straight in the eye and not act nervously at all. Another time (I tested this) by hugging him while he was conversing with her, and he did not wince, or push me away at all!

So, either, he really hated her, or he is very used to this situation.

I wised up and left this relationship. She caught on, and I could tell that she had dealt with this before. She wasn’t even angry, it was more like: “Here we go again.”

I feel sorry for her. He is (so-called) “high profile.”

He makes a good living and they have several young kids. It hurt to leave, because I did love him. I probably still do,…but bottom line is it was so wrong!

One doesn’t intentionally try to get into these situations….at least I didn’t….it just happened, and like a fool I fell for his charm.

Don’t be stupid like I was…..realize…that if he really loved you. He would leave her for you….but then…..”buyer beware”….you just might get what you wished for! Hmmmm………? No Thanks. I don’t want to spend MY marriage looking over my shoulder and babysitting my husband…..just like it has been stated previously….if he did it to her? What is to stop him from doing it to you? What makes you better? You are NOT the mother of his children, you do NOT own property together, you do NOT have a history together….so why wouldn’t he cheat on you too?? Just an FYI….take it from someone who knows….

Here’s an update: AFTER I broke it off with him I ran into a girl at a nightclub and she told he that he had sex with one of her co-workers! Now who would have thought?”

This comment was left on the article found here: rodesmith.com/2006/01/13/the-seductive-nature-of-an-extramaritial-affair/

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal | 3 Comments »

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January 8, 2008

Best things you can do if your husband says he doesn’t love you…. a woman (Ann) writes…!

by Rod Smith

I thank Ann for this comment...

I thank Ann for this comment...

“Hi Ladies, just a bit of advice, if your husband says he doesn’t want to be married or doesn’t love you anymore, as much as it hurts, the best thing you can do is nothing. Go about your business, act happy, be nice, don’t beg, don’t plead, don’t cry and make him try to feel sorry for you. Listen to me, as hard as this sounds, it works. Work on yourself, be your own person, let him always see you are happy. Men don’t want to pull away from happy women! They want to pull away from a woman who is yelling, and nagging. I am not saying this is your fault by any means.

“Starting today, start taking care of yourself, pamper yourself, love yourself the way you want to be loved, throw your energy into your kids and yourself. Any contact with your husband or boyfriend be nothing but pleasant and nice: no fighting, no blaming. If he brings up divorce, breaking up tell him you don’t want that but YOU’LL SUPPORT HIM IN HIS DECISION. And leave it at that.

“Get your hair done, nails done (if you can afford to do so) give yourself facials, make yourself feel good about yourself and it will shine through.

“Remember, no yelling, no begging him, no freaking out on him, that will only push him further away.

“And don’t keep bringing up the past of hurtful things he has said and did, that just creates more drama.”

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Listening, Victims, Voice | 117 Comments »

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January 4, 2008

Comments pour in from women hurt in deceitful relationships…

by Rod Smith

….. please continue to provide each other with helpful and supportive comments. New visitors are encouraged to search this site for related articles on affairs, abusive systems, and difficult relationships.

I respond (via the web) to as many readers as possible but I need your help (through your comments) to reach more and more hurting women with a message of hope and triumph.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Victims, Voice, Womanhood | 6 Comments »

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