Things will get tough before they improve....
Get IN, not OUT!
July 7, 2010
He’s fallen for a massage “gal” who gives him favors…..
June 7, 2010
He is constantly tormenting me about who hit on me…..
“I have been with my boyfriend for two years. All our arguments are about me ‘cheating.’ He wants me to delete my Facebook account and change my phone number. He is constantly tormenting me about who phoned me, ‘hit on me,’ and texts me. He’s talking marriage. Would he be the right man to live with for the rest of my life?” (Grammar modified)
The controlling / jealousy virus to which he plays host will not disappear because you get married – it will get worse. If this is how the man treats you when you are dating (when he is being most romantic) you can only imagine what he will be like when you are married.
If you want your wings permanently clipped, your hands in handcuffs, every move, friendship, and thought monitored (and you consider these manifestations of jealousy to be expressions of love) then, of course, he is the man for you.
The man needs help and you are not the one who can provide it.
Travel aside: My childhood in Red Hill exposed me to the best curry dishes on the planet. I’ve spent the last 20 years in the USA craving Natal curries! Singapore has it. I found it. Dinner in the Geylang District of this great Island Nation caused me to sweat with joy.
May 25, 2010
He shows a lot of interest in her…….
“My wife has a lot of interest from a man at work where they coach a sport together. What should I do?”
Get face-to-face with the man. Ask him directly what his intentions are and let him know what you are seeing with regards to his interest in your wife.
Ask your wife (who presumably says there is nothing going on) to include you in all correspondences, texts, emails, and so forth. If there is nothing to hide this should be no problem at all.
Volunteer regular hours to assist your wife. I am sure there is always a need for more help and it will be a way of spending time with your wife and getting a taste of what she is facing.
If there is anything going on between your wife and another man the best thing you can do is “push the system” or exert some pressure to have the truth come out. It might not be the truth you want, but then at least you will know it and be able to do what is necessary to get on with your life.
May 16, 2010
We are in a sinking ship….
“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)
I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.
May 12, 2010
Every time he switched on his phone he had messages from her……
“My husband had an ‘emotional affair’ with a girl from work. I was suffering post-natal depression and the affair started when he leant on her for support. I was the one who could have done with his support. Nothing physical happened but it almost ended our marriage. Every time he switched his phone on he had messages from her and she would ring him on his way home from work even though they had been on lunch together and seen each other all day. I eventually found him at her house – when he was supposed to be out on business. I told him it had to stop. He said they had become really close. It nearly destroyed me. My husband and I had always been extremely close. This girl knew exactly what she was doing. In the end I told him he had to choose. He chose me and we are still together. He still works with her and it still haunts me now. It caused me an unbearable amount of pain especially given we had such a young child.”
Greater depths of intimacy with someone other than the spouse spells trouble. Taking a stand on your part paid off. It almost always does. Congratulations.
April 17, 2010
Rebuilding trust is no cakewalk…….
“I’ve just ended a five-year affair with a married man. I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years. There were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about. The intimacy was unbelievable and we became soul mates. He took photos of me and sent them to my husband. I want to stop this, to get rid of this. I want to live happy life with my husband and make my child happy. Please advise.” (Edited grammar only) Your anger is misdirected.....
Perhaps your anger is misdirected. I’d suggest, if you are going to be angry, be angry with yourself. Living deceitfully has cost you – and remorse, even anger, is appropriate. 
Presumably your husband will have to decide if he desires to continue to remain married. If he does, afford him extended time to vent his understandably angry feelings. Expect mistrust. Expect him to second-guess your every move. Unraveling deceit; exchanging it with trust – is no cakewalk.
Having come clean with your husband, some freedom and happiness might emerge in a few months, but it is likely to be years before the ramifications of your infidelity will sufficiently fade to render you totally free.
April 14, 2010
His wife doesn’t know about me…..
“I am getting too close to a man at work. He is a level higher than me although I do not report to him. We started meeting randomly at lunch and then he suggested we go to another place to eat where no one from work goes. This has been very exciting for me. He says he needs a person and a place to let off steam and to help him think straight. He’s been very honest about his wife and his children and his marriage. Is it okay for me to be his listening ear or am I treading on dangerous ground? His wife doesn’t know about me.” (Edited)
While this man is being dishonest with his wife, he cannot be “really honest” with you. I’d suggest you stop meeting him and being his listening ear. His first port of call to let off steam and to help him think straight is his wife – not a co-worker and one over whom he holds some indirect rank. If he can’t confide in his wife, confiding in you will only lead each of you into professional and domestic complications that will serve neither of you well. Tell him it is over – you do not need to explain yourself. He already knows he’s walking on thin ice.
April 7, 2010
I am confused because he continues to see me……
“The man I date and I are compatible. Months ago he received a call but would not answer. I found this strange. He became defensive and I have been suspicious since. I did what I should not have done and found numerous messages to and from a girlfriend. He denied seeing anyone. I called the girlfriend who said she was in a relationship with him. He says there is no relationship. She confirmed she wants nothing more to do with him but I have found out that they are still speaking. I am now confused because he continues to see me. I am uncertain about where this is going. I find it strange that she would say she is a relationship with him but he denies it.” (Edited)
Don't police him.....
The confusing thing is not that he continues to see you, but that you, given your mistrust, continue to see him. Find a man who desires monitoring. They exist, and, the bonus is, they perceive controlling behavior to be evidence of real love.
April 6, 2010
He helped me through a dark time……
“I’m 31. My husband is 69. I have a young daughter. When my mother was dying my husband helped me through a very dark time. In a state of confusion I ended up moving in and marring him. He is good to my daughter and me but we have never ever had sex. He doesn’t even try. I feel alone and empty. I started an affair with a wonderful man and can feel myself falling in love with him. When I’m with him he lights my whole life up. When I leave him I feel sad and torn. I don’t feel close to anyone and really want to leave. As much as I want to go I don’t want to hurt my husband but staying is killing me. I’m so unhappy I am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain. Any advice?”
Find face-to-face counseling that will assist you to talk things through with your husband. An affair, tablets, and playing hide-and-seek will temporarily alleviate the issues, but not resolve the issues in your sexless, unhappy marriage. Of course your affair “lights up” your “whole life.” This is what affairs do. They also seduce participants away from the “real” issues and offer avoidance, not love.
March 29, 2010
My whole week was full of butterflies…….
“I’ve been married for a year. The marriage has been horrible. He has cheated multiple times and been violent at times. We have a mutual friend who I started liking him because he’s a really nice guy and my marriage was bad. So a week ago I told him how I feel about him and he revealed he also had feelings. My whole week was full of butterflies and emotions I never got from my husband. Yesterday my husband and I agree on a divorce but then he changed his mind and we had a big argument with violence and cops. So my husband’s gone and today my ‘friend’ phone and tells me to stop calling him because he doesn’t want trouble. Talk about my heart being crushed! I think I’m in denial because I’m trying to let it go and say it is his loss and I’ll get somebody better but I really had my hopes on this guy. Very sad.”
I agree it is sad, perhaps for reasons other than your stated reasons. Fulfillment is not found in having a man, but rather in growing up. It’s in becoming a fully productive person; it is in developing your skills, pursuing your dreams, whether you have a relationship or not.
difficultrelationships.com 