Loneliness is multifaceted, comes in various strengths, flavors and shades, pastel and primary.
Not all forms are negative, require therapy or can be “fixed” by having someone pop in.
Your (my) unique blend is best embraced.
Denying or rejecting it, over time, will cost you. Identified and embraced they (the many forms of loneliness) proffer opportunities for learning, opportunities for grace, for reflection. They provide a springboard for diving inward, for self-assessment. Do it well and you will be able to say with Psalmist David, who more than glimpsed within himself and was able to proclaim that he was “fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Rejected or denied, it will surface as thick-skinned crassness, emotional plaque, relational arthritis.
Unaddressed loneliness will transform into stones of self-righteousness even the hardened pharisees could not bring themselves to hurl once they self-assessed (dove inward) and saw themselves reflected in the eyes of the adulterous woman of John 8.
Loneliness, in some forms, comes in time to all of our lives, acknowledged or not. Some live with it for years, and years, and years, turns them (us) into cynics and comedians and adult class-clowns, and mean politicians, devoid of empathy. It will turn you (and me) into that person whom you sense you can never really get to know.
Not all forms of loneliness are painful. Some are stunningly beautiful.
Everything pivots on how we deal with our unique blend of loneliness or permit it to deal with us.
My beautiful home is empty of my sons. Each has moved into adulthood and has a significant relationship and a career and a full life of his own. Both men earn their way, love their partner – one being a wife. Each son is becoming more and more proficient and involved in his career. I rejoice that they are men of substance, people of character. I rejoice in their accomplishments. I celebrate their absence. I rejoice in their fullness of life (and even their expected struggles) they’re enjoying beyond this house, this address, this zip-code. The now-vacant domestic territories which were theirs in our shared home leave me room for the quiet joy of mission accomplished. Their absence, the alone-ness I feel, thrills me. I love it when they visit. I love it when they stay overnight, I love it when they call as they do usually several times a week. But, I’m really glad they don’t live here anymore and I know they are, too.
There is the loneliness of effective leadership.
Give yourself a few minutes and your mind will flood with the men and women whose leadership cost them everything, shaped the world as we know it. Their stands, opinions, decisions, also rewarded them with lives of isolation and pain as they made decisions popular and unpopular. They knew it came with the role and did it anyway. Great leadership (of nations, little-league soccer, city hall, the school board, your HOA) will give authentic leaders lasting tastes of life’s beauty and brutality, the inseparable rewards and “punishments” (sometimes even death) of sound and moral and courageous leadership.
There’s loneliness that comes from being in a crowd.
Most of us experience this and accommodate it when we do. It’s hard to sense we belong in some circles, because…… well….. we don’t. Nobody fits everywhere. (Beware if you do.) Where you don’t (fit) aloofness may travel in all directions, toward you and from you. These times are usually short-lived. Most of us accept and understand this kind loneliness can usually politely escape it if necessary.
Perhaps the hardest of all forms of loneliness lodge within the wake of significant loss.
Where there once was somebody, somebody whom we loved, somebody with whom we shared life, someone with whom we shared decades, who’s gone. Then, there is the loneliness that comes from indifference: the I-don’t-care-if-you-live-or-die loneliness, the severest cut of all.
You will find the best in others ……. if you look for the best in others. I refer to the best in others as their gold. It’s generosity, kindness, wholesomeness, creativity, and friendliness. These qualities live within all others (no exceptions). Such gold is available to be found. It comes with the human package.
There’s only one condition.
You have to be willing to acknowledge that there is gold within you and be willing to find it within yourself first before you will be able to see it in others. It may be hiding behind the shame and guilt and honed skills of deception you have had to download for protection and survival.
I am aware that “comes with the human package” is quite a claim.
Some will doubt. They will tell stories of those whom they found to be no-good to the core.
The gold within some is easy to find – not too much digging required.
For others it can be deeply buried in shame, humiliation, guilt, deception and in a belief that cruelty or violence or deception are, or were, necessary for survival.
“No-good to the core” has its reasons, its history.
But, the gold is still there.
It cannot be eliminated.
Given time to be heard, time for trust to build, time to tell his or her story, I know that who some regard as the worst of humanity are often bearers of the purest of gold.
The Mercury (this begins my 25th year of Monday to Friday Mercury columns)……..
It is a die-hard custom for columnist to “reflect” on the past year. Here are broad principles I have found to be true. I hope, readers in Southern Africa and elsewhere, that you will share yours with me:
Life is simultaneously beautiful and brutal. It is wiser to embrace both as fully as is humanly possible. Attempting to reject life’s inevitable brutality seems to delay deep appreciation and awareness of its beauty.
Generosity, kindness, openness to all others are more powerful than any politician or army.
My enemies unknowingly serve me, make me think, make me honor my life with greater effort and dedication. Thank you. I owe you. I long to repay you with grace, respect, and honor.
If I think my sons and their friends cannot teach me anything I soon discover I indeed have a lot to learn.
The most difficult people, the most demanding clients, the most trying customers, are those who offer me the most powerful opportunities to grow, learn, and exercise love and grace.
People do what they want to do. No finely designed intervention or battery of therapeutic skills can stop a person doing what he or she really wants to do.
The minute I blame anyone for anything, I regress. The minute I take responsibility for myself, I grow.
What’s in your tank? When I see the way some behave I have to ask the question.
Then I find the question coming right back at me when I react to others in ways that are hurtful, even harmful.
What are you running on? Is it regret, remorse, feeling of inferiority and rejection.
Is this why you lash out at others, most of whom you don’t even know?
None of these brewing emotions will get you (or me) very far even if regret and remorse and inferiority seem earned and appropriate. Live like this for any length of time and this toxic mix will return to you from all sides.
Perhaps life has filled your tank with anger, arrogance, grievances and blame.
Running on this mixed up mix may give you a feeling of empowerment but you will never find any semblance of happiness with all that living within you. Such attitudes and emotions will alienate you from others, even those whom you love.
This concoction will burn you and others if you live long enough without imploding or exploding.
May we (you and I) do whatever it takes to fill our tanks with humility and kindness.
Such attitudes and emotions will take us places worth going.
With humility and kindness filling our tanks we will build solid and trustworthy friendships.
I devised a list of how to participate in the healing of men and women who have been hurt:
Be willing to listen, even if what is being said is what you’d prefer to not hear. Try not to re-engineer (re-frame, recast) what you have heard so it is more fitting with what you’d really like to hear.
Resist understandable attempts to short-circuit growth by trying to ease necessary pain, by offering false affirmations, and by accepting empty excuses for irresponsible behavior. Pain is a very good motivator for change. Resist the urge to remove it when it appears to be helpful.
Offer your presence, not your answers. “I am with you” is more helpful than “let me help you fix it.”
Welcome silence. There are ways to communicate that do not include words. Resist the understandable urge to chase healing and learning away with the incessant use of words and stories.
Avoid minimizing (“it’s not so bad!”) or rationalizing (“What else did you expect?”) or normalizing (“Anyone would have done that!”) the issues that resulted in pain. Do not rob necessary pain of its usefulness.
Promote “future thinking.” Ask questions focused on future wellness and success.
Try to avoid searching for the genesis (the cause) of what has led to pain. Where something comes from is not nearly as important living your way out of it.
It’s doing what’s good and right to the best of your awareness, as limited as your awareness may be, for the greatest number of people possible in your immediate circle of influence, including those whom you don’t know and even those who may have rejected you or may even hate you.
It’s gathering your strength and harvesting your latent patience and shopping at your store of inner kindness when others test you your many daily contexts, and then being strong and patient and kind even if it feels like you’re surrounded by people who don’t appear to think very much, and, if they do, their thinking appears limited to considering only what pertains to themselves alone.
It’s paying for someone’s groceries or petrol (gas) or electricity, but it’s also stopping to consider why it is that you are able to and trying to understand what circumstances have placed the recipients of your generosity in such vulnerable, often humiliating situations, that they need your help and thinking these things through without resorting to low-hanging stereotypes like “I’ve worked hard and ‘they’ have not.”
It’s seeing people’s faces, acknowledging their unique stories, accepting that all people want to be seen, heard and included, even if their day-to-day behavior suggests volumes of evidence to the contrary.
• You backseat drive (car or no car). No matter where you sit in the vehicle (the office, school, hospital) your attention is on the driver (the leader) and the driving (management, leadership). You probably think you know the best way to any destination (even places new to you).
• You do things for people they can do for themselves (even if you don’t believe it). If challenged, you may name it “serving others” or “acts of humility” or “if you want something done, do it yourself.” Truth is you are trying to manage or ease your anxiety and really cannot stop yourself.
There is a downside of being in a family or organization with people who over function: those who tend to underfunction seldom get to grow and can become lazy or entitled.
The downsides for those who over function is their self-created indispensability leads to exhaustion with accompanying doses of martyrdom for which there is never enough expressed thanks.
Please, do not use this column to point fingers. Those who have a tendency to over function already know it. Truth is they will be even more beautiful than they already are when they focus only on their unique responsibilities and allow all others to take care of their own responsibilities.
No matter how good or qualified your therapist — therapy will be of no help:
If you’re seeking help with your intimate relationship but you’re living with your mind made up, bags packed, and a heart full of blame and complaints.
It’s therapy, not arm-wrestling.
If you’re having an extramarital affair and you want to improve your relationship with your spouse so your divorce can be cordial.
It’s therapy, not help with deception and manipulation.
If you’re coming to change or influence a relationship you’re not directly a part of, for instance, you want to fix your son’s marriage or you want you husband to call his mom more often.
It’s therapy, not human chess.
If you’re committed to treating your adult sons and daughters as if they’re children and wonder why they resist visiting or phoning you.
It’s therapy, not guilt-tripping.
If you’re hoping for help to change the political views of people with whom you do not agree.
It’s therapy, not magic.
If you want the lazy to be hardworking, the harsh to be gentle, the stingy to be generous, and the unforgiving to find mercy.
Men and women who discover such radical transformation do so because they grow tired of their selfish, rigid, alienating and arrogant ways, and, in humility, find the courage for change.
It’s not therapy, it’s when desperation meets the Divine.
No one feels healthy, and on top of the world, all the time.
Emotional ebbs and flows are normal.
Good days and bad days come with being human.
Give yourself a break.
If you are “down” for days, if you are unwilling to get out of bed, unwilling to engage in the regular and “normal” joys and tasks common to all people: like eating, bathing or showering, wearing clean clothing, getting ready for the day, the routines required of the general population, it may be time to seek help.
If you are overly tired and unmotivated, despite having had a good deal of sleep and find it tough to identify any joyfulness in any of your surroundings or activities or relationships, it may be time to seek help. If you sometimes feel plagued by dark thoughts, scary ideas you can’t seem to shed or shake – speak up to someone who can assist you to find help.
Emotional ebbs and flows are common but when the ebbs significantly outnumber the flows, it’s probably time to let someone know you are bordering on desperate or are already desperate.
While you think and feel you’re trapped in an emotional or relational cul-de-sac of desperation, you probably don’t have to remain there.
Reach out.
There are people willing, qualified, waiting to listen.
I have had the joy of being with you this past week: several of you shared meals with me and we met in ways I know I will remember. I hope you will, too. Thank you. Given the time I would have enjoyed such an opportunity with each of you. During your first session with me I told you I would give you my notes from each of my talks. If you read this letter today or in ten years it is all ok with me. People do what they are ready to do. Keep them. See how well they age. Remind yourself that I repeatedly said I am addressing the future you.
Day One I tried to tell you how unique and beautiful you are. This is not an older adult attempting to convince you of something adults generally want you to believe. As I said I really have never met – 50 countries and thousands of people later – anyone, anywhere who is not beautiful. Yes, I have met people who have done really ugly things and done a few myself, but, you (we) are beautiful. Get to know any human by listening, really listening, and I believe you will soon agree with me. We talked about leadership: I said Leadership is a Function, a role, not a position. If your motive in becoming a leader is to see your name at the top of a list or to be the boss, your distorted motive will be your constant hurdle. Leadership is about who and what you are and what you do within a community. It is not about status. If it is the status you seek, your drive for recognition will persistently contaminate your leadership. To lead others effectively it is necessary to know what you are good at and what you are not good at. Work at your strengths. Accommodate your weaknesses. Both are yours for the long-haul.
I encouraged you to consistently define yourself. If you don’t, someone will. Resist the natural anxious urge to define others. Become an expert in your own behavior. Resist the natural (anxious) urge to be an expert in the behavior of others, especially those who annoy you. Listen more than you speak. Make sure you are hearing, not waiting to talk. I closed saying Self-Leadership has by far the greatest impact on how effective you are as a leader. If you can’t lead yourself you can effectively lead nothing and no one.
Day Two I emphasized your (and my) uniqueness. I urged you to find within the depths of where your hearts, minds, spirits, souls meet (see it as a kind of Venn diagram) the beautiful “place” generally referred to as the SELF. YourSELF is beautiful, it’s as unique as your fingerprints, your voice, and your personality. It is shaped by your family history, your DNA, by enduring joyful and nurturing experiences. It is shaped also by trauma, by loss, grief and so much else. This SELF is resilient. The Self wants to be well. It self-repairs (given conducive conditions). It is not Selfish to find and love and know yourSelf. I would suggest it is selfish NOT to. People who avoid Self-Awareness because they consider it selfISH are usually people who put stress on leadership teams and on friendships and battle with boundary confusion – “I am I, you are you, we are we, Let’s not confuse the three” – Remember? It’s corny BUT if you live it, it will save you a LOT of pain and therapist bills!
Day Three I emphasized your God-given desire for Autonomy. It’s part of your humanity. To desire self-directedness (AUTONOMY – SPACE, ROOM TO MOVE, freedom to be yourself) comes with your birth package. When it is unfulfilled – or ignored – you will be discontent. You have a similar God-given desire for Intimacy. This is part of your humanity. We all want some closeness, to belong, to be part of. Accepting that these Dueling Desires live within you and recognizing they are present in all the people will make it easier for you to welcome both into their legitimate place within your life. You (and I) really grow up when you (we) meet these needs in yourself AND understand that others are similarly driven. When your best friend chooses to be alone (wants Autonomy) it is not a rejection of you (necessarily) if you, at the same time, want Intimacy. Remember, you cannot LOVE and CONTROL the same person.
This afternoon (Thursday) and Day Four, I left you with eight things I would tell my younger self:
Save, and never touch, one third of all the money you earn. Few people regret having saved from an early age. Few things upset adulthood as well as financial pressures.
Honor your family and extended family relationships above all other relationships. If you are a brother or a son, a niece or an aunt, be the best one you can be.
Learn to live without blaming others. While others are indeed imperfect, blaming others for anything will seldom get you to where you really want to go. There are exceptions which I made clear (I hope).
Forgive, truly forgive, but remember. To forgive and forget is often foolish and even impossible. Remembering is not the same as holding a grudge. There are exceptions which I made clear (I hope).
Find your VOICE and hold onto it. Finding your voice means figuring out what you want your life to say. Only a small portion of finding your voice has to do with actual words.
Every unfortunate or bad thing that happens to you will ultimately offer you a choice. Will it become SEED (for growth) or STONE (resentment or hardness)? Seed will be most helpful to you. The choice will always be yours.
Pursue (chase) education even over romance. Few people regret having a sound education.
Gain understanding about your power, the power that comes with being human. Treasure it; Protect it, Deploy it. Use it for its intended purpose only.
I have loved being with you. Thank you. I especially enjoyed the Talent Show and the party. I loved watching your amazing capacity to have fun and I particularly enjoyed seeing some of you who arrived earlier this week appearing shy and withdrawn having the time of your lives.
Rod
Dad, Uber Driver, International Speaker and Newspaper Columnist
difficultrelationships.com 