January 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
This is a challenge to all of us
I am flummoxed by the number of high-powered men and women who can lead multi-national corporations (or schools, hospitals, government agencies, or churches) and yet who cannot seem to apply the wisdom and skill that has made them successful to their personal lives.
While loving a family and running a business are dissimilar in many ways, you’d think a man who has to regularly face conflict, negotiate with employees, and address unhappy customers may be able to address issues with his immediate family without becoming totally unglued!
I have regularly challenged men and women to consider using their business skills at home, to treat a wife or a daughter like a valued customer, to go above and beyond for a son in the manner that he or she might do for a valued employee.
And, of course, I have to rise to the challenge myself.
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January 11, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend has a 6-year-old daughter who is a wonderful little girl. She likes me and we get along well. However, my boyfriend has a horrible relationship with his daughter’s mother and I’ve witnessed horrible battles while he was on the phone with her. He says he never gives her any money and instead, buys his daughter things she needs because he felt the money wasn’t going to the child. His daughter lives with her mother and older siblings in a ‘bad neighborhood’ and my boyfriend has mentioned gaining custody of his daughter. I don’t want to seem like a terrible person but I’m not ready to be mommy to a 6-year-old. I’m pregnant with my first baby, which would be his second. I’m just not ready for her to move in. We’re considering marriage in the next two years. Any suggestions?”
Your power over your domestic circumstances is restricted by pre-existing relationships in the life of the man whom you are marrying. He is a dad. That he has a daughter, and that he will want to do what it best for his daughter will probably be non-negotiable. This will not be an easy journey for you or your unborn child given the acrimony already in the system.
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January 10, 2011
by Rod Smith
Pietermaritzburg Educational Psychologist, David Weekes, contacted me. At my request he modified yesterday’s column: Thanks, David:
The parent who ENABLES …
1. Overprotects, makes excuses for or covers up his/her child’s misbehaviour and, thereby, undermines the authority of the other parent and teachers.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded by responsibility for his/her child (ensuring rules are followed, doing things for the child he/she is capable of doing for him/herself).
3. Feels like he/she is living more than one life as if the child’s choices and actions are entirely the parent’s responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – worries needlessly about how his/her child will turn out, perform in school, cope with bullies.
5. Seems unable to distinguish between “self” and “parent” and, in seeking to be a “good” parent, reinforcing an unhealthy co-dependence.
The parent who EMPOWERS …
1. Learns to stop overprotecting (“I will not lie for you and write an excuse note when you are not ill.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible for his/her child’s wellbeing and assuming responsibility when it is the child who is accountable.
3. Learns to allow many choices (within limits) made by his/her child to run their course so the child can learn from the consequences of his/her actions.
4. Learns to distinguish between useful anxiety and what is and is not a legitimate cause for worry.
5. Works at promoting a healthy, necessary separation to foster a sense of independence in that child.
David can be contacted at davidsw@telkomsa.net
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
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January 8, 2011
by Rod Smith
Dear Mr Smith,
What a wonderful moment and validation for me to receive your phone call on Christmas day. Thank you so much.
Today’s column on being “in love” and the “idea” thereof was most helpful. It explained a puzzling issue for me and, I am sure, for many others.
I know you get many emails and I am conscious of not wanting to impose so I will simply write to you periodically and do not expect any reply or response but please take comfort in our daily reading of your column and I hope you continue to share your wisdom with all of us – your readers.
Kind regards,
Greg
(South Africa)
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January 7, 2011
by Rod Smith
He or she who enables
1. Lies, covers-up, runs interference, for the enabled.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded with responsibility for the enabled.
3. Feels like he or she is living more than one life each day; as if the choices (good and bad) of the enabled are his or her responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – bears anxiety about choices made by the enabled.
5. Seems unable to see the “self” as disconnected to the self of the enabled, and will often see this connection as “oneness” or love, or a soul-tie, or the “oneness of marriage” making the enabling somehow inescapable.
He or she who empowers
1. Learns to allow others to speak for themselves (“I will not lie for you. If you have to call in as sick when you really are hung-over you will have to make that call yourself.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible to others and for others.
3. Learns to allow most choices (not all) of those he or she loves and their consequences to run their course.
4. Learns to distinguish between helpful pain, useful anxiety, and what is and is not legitimate cause for concern.
5. Works at healthy, necessary separation, even while being married, in love, or having soul-ties.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Responsive people, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
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January 6, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I am single male 30, educated, professional. My parents’ background is Pakistani. I have never been married and never had any children. A woman I know is 31 and from Germany where she lives with two boys ages 3 and 2. I have known her for nine years. We met and she moved to Germany. She always rejected me when we were young and she was single. She now wants to divorce her husband and spend the rest of her life with me. My family will never accept her and her family will never accept me. Please guide me.” (Edited)
You potential relationship sounds fully loaded with problems. First off, she is married. If she divorces, and is single, for at least two years, and then wants to be with you that it another matter.
It seems you are an escape route for her right now.
You are going to need and want family (your family) and so I’d respectfully submit to you that the scenario you are placing before me is not a good platform for a healthy life together.
Of course I can be wrong, but I suggest your single life will be far more attractive to you than the complications you will invoke if you head in her direction.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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January 6, 2011
by Rod Smith
New day – and an opportunity to value adventure over safety, challenge over empathy, and to develop the stamina to face natural systemic resistance (sabotage) that comes with being alive.
(Rabbi Ed. Friedman’s books are a must!)
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January 5, 2011
by Rod Smith
Please could you tips on how to tell the difference between being “in love” with someone and being “in love with the idea of being in love.”
Being in love with the idea of being in love is essential to genuine, lasting love. Without desire the real thing has no entryway.
Genuine love, while quite able to be caught up in romantic fantasy resists losing self, self-insight, the urge for self-preservation, and the urge to self-govern. True love sacrifices, is humble, serves, can desire to move heaven and earth for another, yet it never abdicates personal responsibility or enables others to do so. It has long-haul vision. It seeks little or nothing in return, yet it is also first self-preserving. Somewhat ironically, it is able to care for itself (love itself) just a little more than it cares for a significant other.
Loving the idea of being in love tends to make us responsive to anyone who reaches out. We become somewhat ill defined and demonstrate acts of romantic desperation. We idealize the candidate whom we deem will help us fulfill that fantasy and remain committed even when faced with urgent symptoms (warnings of friends and family) suggesting the relationship is ill fated. Reality doesn’t seem to matter. It’s “I’ll-make-this-work-even-if-it-kills-me” attitude and, sadly, it often does.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Love, Trust, Young Love |
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January 5, 2011
by Rod Smith
A new day. A new opportunity to create, communicate, be empowered and to empower others. “There’s no knowing,” said some wise person, “what greatness you may achieve if you have no interest in who gets the credit.”
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January 4, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My wife does our son’s homework. Our son (14) gives her his few ideas and she takes them and puts them into complete answers. Since everything is typed I don’t think the schoolteachers are aware. Our daughters also did this until they themselves saw that it was not helpful and weaned their mother off their homework. Our son is less motivated and is unlikely to follow his older siblings. He chastises his mother if he doesn’t get a perfect score. If I try to intervene I am told I do not understand. She says she is ‘modeling’ something and that he is learning by watching her. I say she is enabling his laziness. Please help.”
They will ultimately untangle
presenting his mother’s work as his own – I must believe that your wife has been suckered into doing more than she perhaps at first anticipated. While I know you have not said as such, I am aware of how these “help” sessions grow and how the pressure from a child to a parent can steadily increase. Your beliefs are well known. Try to stay out of it and your wife and son will ultimately untangle. If you intervene you will be polarized. Let them dance until one of them drops.
Posted in Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Triangles |
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