Archive for November 6th, 2008

November 6, 2008


by Rod Smith

Tonight I had a haircut with my brother. We’re not “Salon Orange Moon” kind of people, but there we sat, young women working creams and smells into my 53 and his 59-year old scalps. We chatted, quite predictably, (actually a lot of our chat is quite predictable) about the fact we hadn’t had haircuts side-by-side in at least forty-five years.

We decided, or at least I did, that brothers should do this kind of thing more often so our next side-by-side hair appointment is scheduled for the latter part of 2038. This time we’ll only wait 30 years.

November 6, 2008

He preyed on me…..

by Rod Smith

“I read the 26 points and most of them relate to my situation. I was widowed 3 years ago after 30+ years of marriage. I was so very lost and it was suggested by a neighbor that a friend of his could help me with my plight. Two years on I am totally and utterly miserable, but feel unable to leave the situation. I don’t know why – perhaps its because I have never been alone to ‘find the real me’. He bombarded me with flowers, gifts, my son thought he’d walked into a florest shop! Very slowly he started to close in by saying that he didn’t see that much of me and I felt guilty – so eventually he was there every single day from 2pm onwards 7 days a week. If I went out to see a girlfriend during my day off from work he would ring me several times and if I didn’t hear or didn’t answer he would sulk (pout) and get ‘stroppy’ (ill-tempered). He accused me of having affairs with my colleagues, he read my emails, checked my phone. Before this all happened he wanted me to buy a house with him 1/3rd him 2/3rds me. (He got divorced last year 2007).

“Every holiday we have been on he has more or less ruined. If I fall asleep in the car he suddenly brakes to wake me up – says he is worried that I may injure myself if we have an accident! – my children hate him – he is coarse and abusive at times but comes across as a very nice man to others. His language is foul at times, he ripped his shirt off and grabbed a knife saying ‘use it on me’. His friends think he is Mr. Wonderful – this is just a short list of things he has done – he has hurt me physically but the worst thing of all is that he has played with my mind. I don’t know if its me half of the time because he says, ‘you don’t mean that, this is what you mean.’

“I believe he ‘preyed’ on me during the early stages of my loss and I was so alone I was grateful. He really did seem a nice person, but he has turned out to be something quite the opposite. I am still with him but don’t think it will be for much longer as he is getting fed up with me not making a commitment to him. I will not sell my house and buy one with him.

“I feel dreadful most days – so whoever reads this – please – if you know or know of someone who has recently been bereaved – tell them to beware – there are men out there that prey on the vulnerable.”

dsc_0642Four pointers to assist reader:

1. While this is not helpful now, a good rule of thumb is to NOT enter any new relationship until at least a year has passed after a divorce or the loss of a spouse. I believe one should wait for at least three years after a thirty-year marriage.

2. When things are “too good to be true” they almost always are. Wanting you home ALL the time, waking you up when you’re asleep in the car, checking your phone – all these are warning signs that you have met an abusive and controlling man. Control and love cannot co-exist. Run the other way no matter how many flowers he sends you.

3. Your future is not in this man’s hands, and nor is your future in the hands of any man or any relationship. You suggest he is “getting fed up” because you will not commit to him. It is time for your “fed-up-ness”  to drive you to some important changes you want. Your emotional well-being is more important to you and you do not have to wait around until he decides he’s ready to make a change. Ask your adult children to help you get out of this situation as soon as possible. I am sure they will more than run to your help.

4. Expose ALL violent behavior, all abusive behavior – no matter how “nice” the man is to others. No person ever deserves to go through what you are enduring.