Archive for August 19th, 2007

August 19, 2007

A counter-intuitive secret to powerful intimacy…

by Rod Smith

To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.

“Is it possible to love you without also losing me?” expresses the inevitable tension every close relationship faces.

“Closeness” is not usually a problem for most couples. There is usually an abundance of closeness (being overly connected, intensely joined) resulting in couples being highly reactive to each other, and it is this very closeness and lack of definition between people, that, given some time, becomes uncomfortable for at least one member of the relationship.

Remaining unique, distinct and defined within the relationship is what allows healthy, freeing love to flourish.

If couples worked enduringly at remaining unique (it is never complete) and developed their separateness, while also being deeply involved in a committed relationship, then, I believe, there’d be less need to separate (“I need my space”) at a later time when the closeness inevitably feels claustrophobic and overwhelming.

Loving you is not love if the cost of loving you means losing the essence of who I am.