Archive for February, 2006

February 4, 2006

Toxic relationships

by Rod Smith

Toxic (poisoned) relationships are, at best, tiring. Apart from requiring mounds of energy, they can be filled with threats, silence, manipulation, domination and intimidation. Toxic couples often attempt to drown their pain in drinking, drugs and lustful or vengeful sexual activity. Toxicity is apparent when “old” arguments frequently resurface, feelings of loyalty and disloyalty rage within you, anger seems to come from nowhere, and you have a very short fuse about everything. Life feels like a giant game of chess that’s impossible to win.

Toxic relationships often begin with intensely sexual experiences. A new person seemingly offers you everything you ever wanted, and so you quickly and completely invest yourself. After a short while you begin to feel as if you have been handed a script where the entrances and exits are seldom within your power. You have become an unwilling actor in someone else’s play.

Remember there are always more options available for your life than it might appear.

Problems play hide-and-seek before they become full-blown and begin to make life unmanageable. Poison doesn’t usually happen overnight. It is helpful to identify some of these issues before they become a debilitating.

February 3, 2006

Wife never wants sex…

by Rod Smith

My wife complains when I want sex. When we do have sex she just doesn’t really get involved and says it is all to keep me quiet. I have never been unfaithful and I don’t ever want to be.

There are no easy answers to this deep human issue. You might begin with viewing your bedroom as a metaphor of what is, or is not, occurring in your broader relationships.

Before you look at your wife’s lack of interest in sex with you, you might want to assess your contribution to the wholeness of your marriage and family.

Sexual behavior cannot be understood or “helped” by isolating it from everything else occurring in your marriage and family.

The person who wants sex least, is the person who is holding the reigns of control in the relationship. I’d suggest your wife is tired of “bad” or boring sex, which it sounds to me, is what she experiences with you. Any person with a smidgeon of a “sense of self” would want to stop engaging in “bad” or un-fullfilling sex.

There is no good reason for unfaithfulness. Such action on your part will not help you with the dissatisfaction that exists between you and your wife. It would lead to no long-term good.

I’d suggest you read David Schnarch’s PASSIONATE MARRIAGE. This is a wonderful book for all relationships. While it is very graphic about matters relating to sex, it is never pornographic. Couples wanting to read the book would be wise to invest in two copies rather than try to share one copy! Sharing one copy of this book could ruin the very relationship you want to mend.

February 2, 2006

Enriched is the woman; man; child, who…

by Rod Smith

Woman

1. Enriched is the woman who knows she never has to participate in sexual activity that she, herself, does not want; who knows that her body is her own and private temple which she shares, even in marriage, only when it is by her own sacred and deliberate choice.

2. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself in her marriage, or to motherhood, and in taking care of her family, but is able to develop a strong sense of self even while being a loving wife, mother and friend.

3. Enriched is the woman who does not put up with poor manners (being taken for granted, being sworn at, being victimized both verbally and physically) from anyone: not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents, but who appropriately, and sufficiently values herself and therefore does not tolerate those who do not treat her very well.

4. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination and intimidation; whose relationships are pure and open, and within which she maintains a strong and valued voice.

Man

1. Enriched is the man who treats others with kindness beyond their deserving. He is generous with family and strangers and he seeks the highest good for all, knowing that the wisdom he exercises in his daily life positively impacts people around him. He regards faithfulness with high regard. The very thought of betraying his family by committing some moral indiscretion deeply unsettles his peace.

2. Enriched is the man who does not play “one-up” games. He applauds the success of others. He takes no delight in the hardships, losses, or pain others endure. He is more committed to being patient, kind and hardworking, than he is committed to being rich or to displaying symbols of success.

3. Enriched is the man who would rather lose at a sporting event than he would cheat in order to appear to have won. While he can be fiercely competitive and loves to win, he watches his behavior, treasuring his valued reputation.

4. Enriched is the man who can drink without becoming drunk; enjoy good humor without resorting to the ridicule of others.

5. Enriched is the man who pauses momentarily, quite regularly, in order to acknowledge his joy at being a man. He treasures his role as one who carries love, truth and kindness to all within his circle of influence.

6. Enriched is the man who can delay gratification in all areas of his life. He does not crave gratification when is is at the cost of damaging his relationships, his finances or his integrity.   

Child

1. Enriched is the child who has never seen a parent drunk, or a parent vent their anger, use profanity, drive aggressively, behave violently, or use racial slurs.

2. Enriched is the child who does not have to worry about a gambling father wasting necessary family resources, or worry that a mother might not return home after a night on the town.

3. Enriched is the child who hears parents laughing with each other both day and night, and who hears the sounds of joy and celebration expressed by his parents.

4. Enriched is the child whose family puts off the TV for weeks on end, who takes walks with his family, who cooks meals from scratch with his family.

5. Enriched is the child whose family reads novels and who sit around a table discussing what each person is reading.

6. Enriched is the child who has a peaceful home where the only bickering is about who is funniest.

7. Enriched is child who hears “I love you” from a caring, non-possessive parents whom the child knows, expect nothing in return.

8. Enriched in the child who rests peacefully each night in a warm safe bed.

February 2, 2006

Living with “packed bags”…

by Rod Smith

Some troubled couples seeking therapy are highly motivated. They are willing to do whatever it takes to rediscover each other. They are each ready to address their conflicts, hurts, disappointment or whatever it is that drives them to professional help. Other couples, by the time they call a therapist, have already reached a point of such distraction that divorce seems to be their only viable option.

Both of these couples can be helped. People can overcome seemingly impossible obstacles, and discover each other afresh, if they were willing to learn and willing to act upon very basic, tried principles of healthy relationships.

Then, and very sadly, some couples seek therapy when one person is already living with packed bags. The spouse has already “checked out” of the marriage, is already resigned to the failure of the relationship, yet agrees therapy in order to say that he or she tried to get help but help didn’t work. This is of course, is a waste of everyone’s time.

The motivated couple, and the desperate couple, are each, closer to resolution and to negotiating a working, loving marriage, than is a couple where one of the partners is already living with packed bags.

February 2, 2006

Reader challenges column about daughter/mom “secret” that excludes dad…

by Rod Smith

“You said (The Mercury, January 30, 2006) that a mother must tell her daughter to speak to her father about a relationship she has that the father thinks is already broken up. You said the mother was ‘in the middle’ when really I think she was being a friend to her daughter. Can a mother and daughter not have secrets with each other?”

A parent’s primary relationship is with the spouse, not with the children. The only exceptions are when a parent is violent, cruel or sexually inappropriate with a child.

It is appropriate that mothers and daughters share secrets, but helping a young daughter hide a relationship of which the father does not approve, is not sharing a secret, but participating in deceit.

The parent, if you take a close look at the dynamics, is being pulled into a giant triangle and the parent becomes trapped by the “secret.” In desiring to please her daughter, the mother stands to alienate her husband. If she is honest with her husband, she lets her daughter down. The kinds of healthy secrets mothers and daughters share do not serve to trap anyone into silence or deceit. Healthy secrets create no victims.

Talking with her father might be difficult for this young girl to do….. but it is a very necessary part of growing up.

February 1, 2006

Are You In a Difficult Relationship?

by Rod Smith

You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout, yet wish for it. You say something then wish you hadn’t. You know no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will be blown out of proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted and misquoted for ever.

You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love, but have second thoughts about how love is supposed to feel. You are usually wrong and are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent, you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out, you are looking for trouble. In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky.

Innocence is guilt. Pointing out error is entrapment. You are exhausted by the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot take responsibility for his or her own needs. You share life with an emotional piranha and yet, you stay, feeling unable to escape.

February 1, 2006

Our sex life is boring

by Rod Smith

“My husband and I were happy until the birth of our son when our relationship changed. After our son was born he started cheating, lying, and drinking everyday. We spent less time together than we used to. I thought we were friends, but now it feels like we are distant cousins. Our sex life is boring.”

Take up your life

Take up your life

Your future must seem dull and painfully endless! While I am sorry that you are victim to your husband’s cruel behavior, I am more sorry for your child who is witnessing a marriage he could hardly want to emulate.

Please read David Schnarch’s book entitled Passionate Marriage. I will warn you that it is the very best book on sex and relationships I have ever read. While it is graphically sexual, it is never pornographic. It is to be read as a whole, cover to cover, before judgments are issued on its worth.

The book outlines the journey of couples who have lives as miserable as you describe yours to be, and offers valuable keys for all marriages and relationships.

I have gotten into trouble for recommending this book to couples, not only because it promotes very strong and healthy sex lives, but because it challenges people to live full, complete and adventurous lives.

February 1, 2006

Easing the impact of divorce on children

by Rod Smith

Pain is an inevitable result of almost all divorces and hardly anyone in a family escapes it. The enduring stress, the separation period preceding the divorce, the event itself and the process of adjustment all impact family members. When divorce is regarded as a process, its impact is likely to be somewhat eased.

Out of the ruins of a broken marriage people do not easily embrace such principles. These are goals to work toward. Doing so is likely to ease the impact of divorce upon the children. It is worthwhile noting that remaining married is often easier than getting divorced. There will be times when the divorce is more difficult than the marriage.

Assuming no sexual abuse has occurred, the following attitudes expressed by the adults will allow for the best outcome when two adults divorce:

1. We will discuss the divorce with you, together, on a regular basis.

2. We are divorced and are no longer husband and wife. We are still both your parents.

3. It is our divorce, not yours. The implications affect everybody, but it remains our divorce.

4. We were once happy as husband and wife and you were born out of our love. We found parenting to be rich and rewarding.

5. We will always help and protect you and cooperate with each other concerning you.

6. You have done nothing to cause our divorce and nothing you do will make us get back together.

7. We will say nothing negative about each other.

8. We will not use you as a go-between, between us.

9. When you face inevitable choices, we are committed to communicating with you about your options as clearly as possible. When this is impossible, we will talk about why it is so.

10. When choices cannot be made easier, we will do all we can to make options clearer.

11. We will support each other’s values and rules and will try to establish a similar atmosphere in each home.

12. We want you to do well in life. Our failure at marriage does not have to become your failure at life.

13. We cannot predict the future, but we will both talk about it with you as we see it developing. You will have as much information as possible about youself and your family. We will do what is possible to reduce your need to employ guesswork regarding what is going on around you.

14. You will have as much power over your life as is age appropriate.

15. You will be able to visit both extended families. Your extended family will be as helpful to you about our divorce as we are. They are also committed to speaking only well of each of your parents.

16. You have permission to embrace any person each parent might include in his or her life.

17. Accepting and loving a stepparent some day, will not be regarded as disloyalty. You might even choose to call that person mother or father without resistance from either of your parents. All the adults (step and biological parents) will regularly meet to discuss matters relating to you.

18. We will try to lessen the amount of travel between homes so that you might be as settled as possible.

19. Failure at any venture on your part is not because of the divorce. Many people with divorced parents have lived very successful lives.

© Copyright Rod E. Smith 1998 / All rights reserved

February 1, 2006

Greeting February with courage…

by Rod Smith

Today is the day to live completely. It is of this day, of this week, and of this month that you will say in years to come “those were the days” and look back with longing and nostalgia.

Open your eyes to the beauty around you. See that even in the problems, even in the hardships, even in the brokenness, there is an intricate beauty.

Possibilities abound. Potential untapped surrounds you on every side.

Life itself waits for your involvement, and your involvement trips the cogs into action, and action on your part brings forth insight, and the insight, when linked with courage and commitment, ushers in a deep appreciation for the very act of living and makes a future worth wanting.

Life’s beautiful for the person who can see his own beauty. This is not some ridiculous self-admiration but an acknowledgement that the miraculous lives within us all.

Want no trivial self-indulgence, for it leads only to a darker pit. Instead, lift you sights to the needs of others, to the joy of children in your life and to the beauty that hides within each and every one of life’s challenges.

This is the day, the week, the month, you will remember if it’s filled with appreciation, courage and adventure.