Archive for February 1st, 2006

February 1, 2006

Are You In a Difficult Relationship?

by Rod Smith

You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout, yet wish for it. You say something then wish you hadn’t. You know no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will be blown out of proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted and misquoted for ever.

You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love, but have second thoughts about how love is supposed to feel. You are usually wrong and are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent, you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out, you are looking for trouble. In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky.

Innocence is guilt. Pointing out error is entrapment. You are exhausted by the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot take responsibility for his or her own needs. You share life with an emotional piranha and yet, you stay, feeling unable to escape.

February 1, 2006

Our sex life is boring

by Rod Smith

“My husband and I were happy until the birth of our son when our relationship changed. After our son was born he started cheating, lying, and drinking everyday. We spent less time together than we used to. I thought we were friends, but now it feels like we are distant cousins. Our sex life is boring.”

Take up your life

Take up your life

Your future must seem dull and painfully endless! While I am sorry that you are victim to your husband’s cruel behavior, I am more sorry for your child who is witnessing a marriage he could hardly want to emulate.

Please read David Schnarch’s book entitled Passionate Marriage. I will warn you that it is the very best book on sex and relationships I have ever read. While it is graphically sexual, it is never pornographic. It is to be read as a whole, cover to cover, before judgments are issued on its worth.

The book outlines the journey of couples who have lives as miserable as you describe yours to be, and offers valuable keys for all marriages and relationships.

I have gotten into trouble for recommending this book to couples, not only because it promotes very strong and healthy sex lives, but because it challenges people to live full, complete and adventurous lives.

February 1, 2006

Easing the impact of divorce on children

by Rod Smith

Pain is an inevitable result of almost all divorces and hardly anyone in a family escapes it. The enduring stress, the separation period preceding the divorce, the event itself and the process of adjustment all impact family members. When divorce is regarded as a process, its impact is likely to be somewhat eased.

Out of the ruins of a broken marriage people do not easily embrace such principles. These are goals to work toward. Doing so is likely to ease the impact of divorce upon the children. It is worthwhile noting that remaining married is often easier than getting divorced. There will be times when the divorce is more difficult than the marriage.

Assuming no sexual abuse has occurred, the following attitudes expressed by the adults will allow for the best outcome when two adults divorce:

1. We will discuss the divorce with you, together, on a regular basis.

2. We are divorced and are no longer husband and wife. We are still both your parents.

3. It is our divorce, not yours. The implications affect everybody, but it remains our divorce.

4. We were once happy as husband and wife and you were born out of our love. We found parenting to be rich and rewarding.

5. We will always help and protect you and cooperate with each other concerning you.

6. You have done nothing to cause our divorce and nothing you do will make us get back together.

7. We will say nothing negative about each other.

8. We will not use you as a go-between, between us.

9. When you face inevitable choices, we are committed to communicating with you about your options as clearly as possible. When this is impossible, we will talk about why it is so.

10. When choices cannot be made easier, we will do all we can to make options clearer.

11. We will support each other’s values and rules and will try to establish a similar atmosphere in each home.

12. We want you to do well in life. Our failure at marriage does not have to become your failure at life.

13. We cannot predict the future, but we will both talk about it with you as we see it developing. You will have as much information as possible about youself and your family. We will do what is possible to reduce your need to employ guesswork regarding what is going on around you.

14. You will have as much power over your life as is age appropriate.

15. You will be able to visit both extended families. Your extended family will be as helpful to you about our divorce as we are. They are also committed to speaking only well of each of your parents.

16. You have permission to embrace any person each parent might include in his or her life.

17. Accepting and loving a stepparent some day, will not be regarded as disloyalty. You might even choose to call that person mother or father without resistance from either of your parents. All the adults (step and biological parents) will regularly meet to discuss matters relating to you.

18. We will try to lessen the amount of travel between homes so that you might be as settled as possible.

19. Failure at any venture on your part is not because of the divorce. Many people with divorced parents have lived very successful lives.

© Copyright Rod E. Smith 1998 / All rights reserved

February 1, 2006

Greeting February with courage…

by Rod Smith

Today is the day to live completely. It is of this day, of this week, and of this month that you will say in years to come “those were the days” and look back with longing and nostalgia.

Open your eyes to the beauty around you. See that even in the problems, even in the hardships, even in the brokenness, there is an intricate beauty.

Possibilities abound. Potential untapped surrounds you on every side.

Life itself waits for your involvement, and your involvement trips the cogs into action, and action on your part brings forth insight, and the insight, when linked with courage and commitment, ushers in a deep appreciation for the very act of living and makes a future worth wanting.

Life’s beautiful for the person who can see his own beauty. This is not some ridiculous self-admiration but an acknowledgement that the miraculous lives within us all.

Want no trivial self-indulgence, for it leads only to a darker pit. Instead, lift you sights to the needs of others, to the joy of children in your life and to the beauty that hides within each and every one of life’s challenges.

This is the day, the week, the month, you will remember if it’s filled with appreciation, courage and adventure.