Archive for February 13th, 2006

February 13, 2006

My boyfriend threatens to “smack” me…

by Rod Smith

QUERY: My boyfriend and I are engaged and live together. He is faithful and always helpful. He wants marriage and children. When angry, he is insulting, verbally abusive and has threatened to “smack’ me. He then calms down and asks for forgiveness for the hurtful things he says. Although I am established, confident, and have good friends, the accumulative insults make me feel worthless, and sometimes I feel he does mean what he says. I cannot take his moods and verbal abuse any more, regardless of how great he is when he is “good”. He has previously promised the problem would not happen again.

RESPONSE: Unless this person gets “outside” help his episodes of anger will only escalate. When they occur, believe everything he says, and act accordingly. Leave the home, get protection, and never blame yourself for his outbursts. If he says, during the “apology phase”, “You know I don’t really mean it,” you must say, “Then do not ever say it.”

Verbally abusive people try to change the language to suit themselves, and the victim is supposed to adjust accordingly. You appear to have a lot to lose if you leave this man. You have whole lot more to lose if you stay.

February 13, 2006

I get a lot of mail about affairs…….

by Rod Smith

In the search for intimacy an affair can be is very seductive. By seductive, I mean that the affair removes us from reality and appears to offer something the marriage does not appear to offer.

The best time to end an affair is immediately.

You are on dangerous ground if:

1. You have become isolated from everyone who was formerly close to you – even if those who are close to you do not know it.
2. You cannot believe you have gotten yourself into such a complicated mess or how “low” you have gone in the search of meaning. There are moments when you are filled with self-disgust.
3. You are tired of playing hide-and-seek with life, love, joy, friendships, and your emotions. There seem to be no “straight lines” anymore. Everything is more complicated because so much is under-cover.
4. You have times when you wish you could wipe out whole portions of your life: your “pre-affair life” sometimes and, at other times, your “affair life.” You are literally trapped between two worlds.
5. The rest of your life (when you are parted from you affair) feels as if it is “on hold” or is a bad dream.
6. The irrational nature of your affair has taken over your life and many parts of your former life (the open life you once knew) feel uncomfortable and unmanageable.
7. Memories of you past life (before the affair) haunt you through music, photos, conversations and inexplicable connections that pour over you from time to time.
8. You have lied about so much you cannot tell the difference between what is fabricated and what is not. Your own lies are believable even to you.