Posts tagged ‘are we suited’

November 29, 2007

Questions re: What to ask a counselor or sex therapist…. and a digression about sex and Christians…

by Rod Smith

Reader asks: There’s a counselor who works out of my wife’s church counseling center who is a Christian sex therapist. If I decide to consult with him, what sort of questions should I ask him in an initial contact? What might I expect from a competent counselor in an initial visit?

Rod responds: I’d be more concerned about what the counselor asks you than I am about what you are planning to ask him.

Is he (the counselor) focused on CHALLENGE and GROWTH primarily of the individual and then of the couple – or is trapped in the idea of trying to be so empathic that it will take weeks or even months before you and your wife can really get to talk?

Has he studied David Schnarch? Avoid him if he has not.

Is he himself FREE, or is he anxious, and highly-strung?

What does his theology tell him about who women are? Are women COMPLETELY equal with men and if not, I’d avoid him. Fully mature sex is impossible with (perceived) un-equals. If a man perceives himself as above a woman or “in charge” of his wife his very mindset it robbing him of the very joy and sexual fulfillment he is seeking.

October 1, 2007

He wants to know if we are sexually compatible….

by Rod Smith

Reader’s question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?

Rod’s answer: What an old, and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!

First: Compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use, and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards. Little will challenge your sex life as much as scrambling for money and blaming each other for the poor use of resources.

Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how he (or she) respects and appreciates his parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.

Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.

February 1, 2006

Our sex life is boring

by Rod Smith

“My husband and I were happy until the birth of our son when our relationship changed. After our son was born he started cheating, lying, and drinking everyday. We spent less time together than we used to. I thought we were friends, but now it feels like we are distant cousins. Our sex life is boring.”

Take up your life

Take up your life

Your future must seem dull and painfully endless! While I am sorry that you are victim to your husband’s cruel behavior, I am more sorry for your child who is witnessing a marriage he could hardly want to emulate.

Please read David Schnarch’s book entitled Passionate Marriage. I will warn you that it is the very best book on sex and relationships I have ever read. While it is graphically sexual, it is never pornographic. It is to be read as a whole, cover to cover, before judgments are issued on its worth.

The book outlines the journey of couples who have lives as miserable as you describe yours to be, and offers valuable keys for all marriages and relationships.

I have gotten into trouble for recommending this book to couples, not only because it promotes very strong and healthy sex lives, but because it challenges people to live full, complete and adventurous lives.