- Deliver your own news – good or bad. Don’t use others as carrier pigeons.
- Try not to keep people waiting. While it is sometimes unavoidable, effort on your part to be punctual will speak volumes about you.
- Find a way to remember people’s names. You’ll be surprised how much it will do for you.
- Spend less than you earn, and save some money every month. Nothing kills enduring happiness as efficiently as debt.
- Get out of the middle of other people’s relationships. Avoid being triangled. Remember Piggy in the Middle is not much fun for Piggy.
- Tell the truth as kindly and as efficiently as possible.
- Do something dangerous or scary every day.
- Say yes more than you say no.
- Write. There’s a novel within you awaiting an escape.
- Read.
- Err on the side of trusting too much than on the side of trusting too little.
- Say please and thank you as often as possible.
December 12, 2007
Brief notes to improve your relational environment:
November 21, 2007
Relationships suffer…
1. When being right (correct, moral, accurate) is so important, so insisted upon, that it is at the expense of being loving. A healthy person can sacrifice his or her need to be right in order to love.
2. When anxiety and love are confused. “I am anxious about you” is a far cry from “I love you” and are not the same thing. Anxious people often believe true love necessitates worry. “How will he know I love him if I don’t worry about him?” is the plea of the anxious partner or parent. A healthy person remains non-anxious.
3. When love and control are synonymous. “If you love me you will dress (speak, think, see, hear) according to my will,” says the controller, “or I will question your love for me.” Healthy love celebrates freedom.
4. When love means “melting” into each other, giving up individual identity in the name of love. “We’re so close we even think each other’s thoughts,” proclaims the unhealthy couple. Healthy love elevates separateness, space and individuality.
October 16, 2007
I am stuck…
Dear Stuck:
Note I have broken my own rules about keeping every entry to fewer than 250 words! But Stuck – I wanted you to hear from me, even if you might not like what I have to say.
Your letter appears below with my comments in BOLD and italics. I am sorry it took me so long to get to your letter:
“My best friend and I have known each other for 8 yrs. I have been in love with him for 5 years. He knows how I feel, but when I realized how much I cared, he was in a relationship. They even had a child together. They ended the relationship about 18 months ago and she is dating someone new yet continually professes her love for him still. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with her in that way.
I understand “in that way” but what is he doing about parenting and supporting the child they share? If he is not supporting his child – you have not said where the child is – I would move on no matter how much love you feel.
“He also began working with me and even relocated to living with me to get out of a bad family living situation.
I trust he is paying his way while living in your home?
“His ex has actually moved with his family since she lost her job. So he is living hours away with me while she is down there living with his sisters. He says he loves me but he is not ready for a relationship.
I’d suggest this is true. He is not ready for a relationship when he has a child from whom he is separated. I must assume he is busy being a dad (driving back and forth to see his child) while also trying to earn a living.
“We are not intimate (good – this would not be good for your long-term health and friendship) but we are together basically 24/7.
“Occasionally he will try to get me to go out on dates (how valiant of him) since he says he is not ready yet and doesn’t know when he will be. He doesn’t want me to wait for him. I feel really stuck.
The feeling is appropriate – you are stuck and it is not about him or your love for him but about you who seems to refuse to move on from a man who has declared he doesn’t want an intimate relationship with you.
“I have tried to tell him that while I have feelings for him I cannot remain friends with him if we never go anywhere simply because as long as he is in my life I feel as though I will never fall in love with someone else.
You got it. You don’t need me to tell you these things. You already know the answers. So have him move out. Today.
“His ex really broke his heart. He honestly felt that it was forever and he gave himself completely to her. However she cheated and lied and destroyed him. Now I am the only woman he trusts and talks to. He hasn’t even been with anyone since her. My dilemma is this. Do I try to wait to see what develops? Do I walk away? What do I do?? I am so confused. And every time people see us together they always think we are married. It doesn’t help that he is very affectionate with me, arms around me, flirting with me, wrestling with me and so forth. But that’s how its been for 7 yrs. what do i do? Please help.
Stuck”
Wow – this guy’s got you eating out of the palms of his hands and he has you believing he is so hurt and such a victim to his ex! Move on….. He doesn’t have what you are looking for. Send him on a journey to fend for his child.
From Stuck – sometime later…..
“So I haven’t seen any reply from you regarding my situation. Did I do something wrong? Am I not doing this correctly? I see others leave comments and you respond. I leave one and get nothing. Am I supposed to leave money somewhere or something to get you to respond? Or is my situation not valid enough for your response… confused… and still…STUCK.”
I am pleased to respond to you but I do not OWE you a reply. Yes your issue is VALID but you already know what you need to do and I am not sure you will hear anything from me anyway! You will continue to be STUCK until you change directions and meet some new people and move in the circles of people who make wiser choices than the man with whom you are currently involved.
September 24, 2007
Six observations, almost always true about families…..
Axioms (observations that are almost always true) for families:
A man or woman who has an open, friendly, respectful, and playful relationship with his or her own parents will seldom have problems with his or her in-laws.
Extra-marital affairs are symptoms of a troubled marriage and not the cause of trouble in a marriage.
The teenager who is open and friendly and kind to his or her parents is laying the foundation for a happy and open and friendly relationship with his or her future spouse and children.
When children “take over” a family, and become the center or the glue of a marriage, relational carnage (with the marriage and even possibly with the children) waits in the wings.
The couple that engages in sex, but never discusses it, will finally end up discussing (or arguing about) why one or the other partner has lost all interest in sex.
People who can stand up to each other (resist poor treatment; declare what he or she will or will not do; speak up about what he or she really feels) are more likely to have a lasting relationship than people who relent or give in to each other’s wishes in the name of love.
November 23, 2006
When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore or want to be married anymore……
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
Call Rod now…..
July 26, 2006
How do you fix a relationship (that has been) burnt out by “lack of space”?
(This post HAS NOT been “finished” for the newspapers. It is a work in progress waiting for YOUR input – please comment and help other readers with your insight).
There is ALWAYS hope....
It is very difficult, although not impossible, to “fix” a relationship that has been “burnt out” by “lack of space.” Sometimes, for grievously toxic couples, it might be impossible and a complete break-up may be necessary.
In a dating relationship a complete break (without the promise of something in the future) might be necessary. Yes. I mean a real and full and proper end to what was, with no hope or promise about restarting the relationship in the future.
In a marriage, the necessary journey toward simultaneous separateness and respectful togetherness is a tough, but achievable, one.
When emotional over-crowding (“space invasion”) has occurred, when two people, and for clarity’s sake I will call them Jack and Jill, have reached saturation point with each other, the very presence of Jack can send cold shivers down Jill’s spine. If Jill has felt invaded (consumed, overwhelmed, drowned) by Jack, this will only serve to make Jack become stronger in his attempts to re-establish the proximity he once knew. And the cycle continues (usually with even greater intensity).
At least one of the more difficult things for Jack to understand is that Jill wants to be without Jack, after having been so very “close.” It is difficult for him to understand how Jill could want, even enjoy, being without him.
Some separation (real separation) is probably required.
Both persons, during such a separation, will benefit from gathering their community around them for honest support.
Both persons, during such a separation, will benefit from seeing that there is life after this relationship, even if it does not feel like it.
Remember SPACE is needed because it was not there (established, discussed) in the first place! Everyone NEEDS space (separateness) and if this need is not met, the relationship will begin to shake and rattle and symptoms will begin to emerge in other areas within the relationship.
difficultrelationships.com 