How do you fix a relationship (that has been) burnt out by “lack of space”?

by Rod Smith

(This post HAS NOT been “finished” for the newspapers. It is a work in progress waiting for YOUR input – please comment and help other readers with your insight).

There is ALWAYS hope....

There is ALWAYS hope....

Remember there are NO easy answers when it comes to love and humanity and toxic love and fallen humanity.

It is very difficult, although not impossible, to “fix” a relationship that has been “burnt out” by “lack of space.” Sometimes, for grievously toxic couples, it might be impossible and a complete break-up may be necessary.

In a dating relationship a complete break (without the promise of something in the future) might be necessary. Yes. I mean a real and full and proper end to what was, with no hope or promise about restarting the relationship in the future.

In a marriage, the necessary journey toward simultaneous separateness and respectful togetherness is a tough, but achievable, one.

When emotional over-crowding (“space invasion”) has occurred, when two people, and for clarity’s sake I will call them Jack and Jill, have reached saturation point with each other, the very presence of Jack can send cold shivers down Jill’s spine. If Jill has felt invaded (consumed, overwhelmed, drowned) by Jack, this will only serve to make Jack become stronger in his attempts to re-establish the proximity he once knew. And the cycle continues (usually with even greater intensity).

At least one of the more difficult things for Jack to understand is that Jill wants to be without Jack, after having been so very “close.” It is difficult for him to understand how Jill could want, even enjoy, being without him.

Some separation (real separation) is probably required.

Both persons, during such a separation, will benefit from gathering their community around them for honest support.

Both persons, during such a separation, will benefit from seeing that there is life after this relationship, even if it does not feel like it.

Remember SPACE is needed because it was not there (established, discussed) in the first place! Everyone NEEDS space (separateness) and if this need is not met, the relationship will begin to shake and rattle and symptoms will begin to emerge in other areas within the relationship.

9 Comments to “How do you fix a relationship (that has been) burnt out by “lack of space”?”

  1. As an only child living in a family of three adults that included grandparents married 49 years, I often played the “observer.” In the midst of day-to-day activities and routines, each adult, including my mother, a vivacious woman who worked, succeeded in maintaining his or her personal space unoccupied by others. Although my mother was very personable and well-liked within our community of family and friends, she was also a very private person. Her ability to maintain her privacy (along with a certain level of financial independence) helped to maintain her personal space.

    Being introverted and shy as a child, I valued my personal space. There I could be me. I also lived somewhat fearful, though coddled, in that space. Forced out of my shell by circumstance years later, I engaged in various dissimilar social circles, which occupied parts of my personal space and caused me to lose part of myself, my centeredness and peace.

    I tend to feel drained after being “on” in a social environment. Yet paradoxically it is the social experience that increases my gratitude and joy when I am back in my personal space. I need equal amounts of both.

    I wonder if the same would be true if I had grown up with siblings.

    Authentic relationship, I have found through long-standing close friendships, is not threatened by the needs of one or the other for personal space.

  2. I gone rock bottom, my boy friend tells me he doesnt care any more, I dont know what to do. I asked if he still “loves me “and he told me “he didnt know”, I told him that” I am trying”he said I dont care. how do fix this mess that I’ve created ?

  3. i have been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months and we’ve been really good for most of it. the last 2 weeks he’s been freaking out at me for no reason and calls me clingy and stuff like that. but what i dont get is that we’ve been together just as much now as we were when we started dating, so clearly i dont think i’m being clingy. but i gave him his space and still he’s acting differnt twords me. i really feel like our relationship is going downward and it scares me. i really dont know what i would do without him. i just dont know anymore. it’s taring me apart inside and everytime i try to talk to him about it i get called rediculous. i dont know what to do anymore. i just want to fix things.

  4. What if you could recapture your ex lovers mind, heart and soul?…Wipe the slate clean? Turn back time? Even if you feel right now that your situation is too far gone…too screwed up …or just plain too darn complicated?

    You already know how hard it is to just even wake up and roll out of bed in the morning. You leave your radio off on your way to work because every song is a painful reminder of him. You can’t even bear to eat at the same restaurants you took her to. And if that isn’t bad enough, you have to cope with the loss of friends and family that are on “their side”.

    Did you know that most relationships can be salvaged? You may find it difficult to believe that almost every break up for whatever reason…infidelity, plain old lost passion, loss of interest, a stolen heart and worse…even the worst situations you can imagine…like men serving prison sentences have salvaged their relationships. Yes, even Ex-cons have got back together with girlfriends and wives after being away for years!

    I have a blog that has more information on some of what I’ve been writing about on relationships. If you feel like checking it out, you can find it here: It’s entitled “The Magic of Making Up – 10 Tips to a Happy Relationship.”

    I hope you read my blog, it can improve on and possibly save your relationship.

  5. I have been with my girlfriend a year and a mounth and were in the same situation as stephanie Brice. I really don’t want to break up please help.

  6. I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year now. I am a person who need a lot of personal space, maybe because that’s how I was raised. I lost my parent when I was 6 years old, and since then, I need that space. My girlfriend on the other had, seems like she likes to hear of every detail of my life. To me, its enough if I talk to her once in couple of days, ut she doesn’t get it. To note that we are in a distance relationship, and we are both busy with school. I wish she could understand that the more space she would give me, I would have more need for otherwise. But, this is not happening because she is too demanding (at least according to me). Is what I am asking, really wierd???

  7. ”” please see my posting today, Spacious.


  8. I am married and my husband wants to spend every free moment with me. I know that this is because he loves me so much, but it is also because he is insecure. He was married before and she cheated on him. I love my husband and every time I have mentioned that I am feeling a bit smothered, he gets hurt and defensive. He doesn’t seem to understand that it’s important for everyone to have time alone. He is also starting to be a little possessive of my time. I will be invited to an group event and when I mention it to him that it would be fun, he says …. “i thought we were going to do something together” meaning alone. I am feeling like I have to say no to almost any social event.

  9. Me and my boyfriend broke up after 3 years,
    We didn’t talk for 1 year afterwards
    but recently i’ve started falling for him again but i am not sure what to do any help?

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