Archive for July 23rd, 2006

July 23, 2006

“Space” revisited – all humans need space (unoccupied by another) to grow

by Rod Smith

The issue of “space” between lovers generates a lot of mail. It is usually the person who hears “I need my space” who writes and they are usually hurt, confused, and taken by surprise.

Space is necessary separateness between people. Those who are “madly” in love sometimes think space is unnecessary, believing their love to be uniquely strong. This kind of love is immature, rendering the participants unable to see, to think, and to hear how essential is separateness to the development of authentic love.

Humans need space for growth. Too much of someone may, at first, feel like love, but it most certainly will feel oppressive with time. If “space” (matters of proximity, closeness, fusion, time apart, enmeshment, over-investment, room to breathe) is not discussed, and appropriately established, early in a relationship, its lack will most certainly be a source of discomfort as the relationship develops.

What are the early signs someone will be asking for space? When new couples neglect valued friends, go against long-held values, behave as if they are inseparable (each is unable to think without consulting the other), become physically intimate too soon. These behaviors suggest one person will be asking for “space” once some time has passed.