March 13, 2006

For parents, teachers, and coaches

by Rod Smith

Rearing children is perhaps the arena or avenue where you, parent, coach or teacher, will make your most profound impact on the world.

Surely the strongest influence upon how we will raise our children might be the manner in which we ourselves were raised? Much can be gained from trying to remember what childhood was really like. If ignored, and if your childhood was difficult, it will color and influence everything about you, including the manner in which you treat children.

I would strongly suggest that any adult who lives or works with children periodically finds a comfortable place to be alone and undisturbed. Then, as a form of meditation, he or she reaches into the memory bank of his or her childhood to see it all again.

Can you see the world through the eyes of a child?

Can you immerse yourself and get into the experience of a child?

Can you feel, see, think, believe and trust others from the perspective of a child (as if you were still a child)?

Are you able to reach into your own childhood and capture the feeling of childlike vulnerability again?

Perhaps, you never knew such vulnerability at anytime in your life.

Posted in Anger, Education, Parenting/Children | Leave a Comment »

March 11, 2006

How do I survive a long distance relationship?

by Rod Smith

Distance intensifies, and idealizes “love” sometimes to the point that it is easier to love an absent lover than it is to love someone real and present. Few people are as wonderful as our imagination, coupled with distance, can create them to be. (Which is one of many reasons pornography is so damaging and the reason why an Internet relationship is not a relationship in the “real” world.)

1. Don’t call each other or email every day. Rather agree to something more random like three times a week or when it is possible. This sets each person free from feeling tied to the phone waiting for it to ring or the Email to arrive. Such “free” scheduling also allows for persons to avoid some of the letdown of waiting in vain.

2. Don’t put your life “here” on hold because he or she is “there.” Long-distance relationships can rob you of the present, while you long for someone a long distance away. This is not fair to dear and near family and friends.

3. Don’t marry a person with whom you have had ONLY a long distance relationship no matter how “close” or “bonded” the “contact” makes you feel.

Posted in Long distance relationships | 23 Comments »

March 11, 2006

Are you an adult? It has very little to do with your age

by Rod Smith

I believe we are fully adulthood when:

1. We can be authentic with all people, including our parents, treating all others respectfully as equals, despite rank, position or the apparent lack of it.
2. We respect mutuality and equality and want them in all of our relationships.
3. We have acknowledged our hurts, grieved appropriately and decided to live to the fullest. We can delay gratification.
4. Confusion, ambiguity and uncertainty are allies, not enemies. We can “hold” seemingly conflicting thoughts and beliefs without becoming unsettled.
5. We can take full responsibility for our lives despite past trauma or neglect. We are able to recognize when and how we were victimized but no longer think, speak, feel or behave like victims.
6. We do not victimize others.
7. We have a small group of people to whom we talk about almost everything, but feel no compulsion to tell everybody or anyone everything.
8. We stop apologizing for things for which we could never be held responsible in the first place.
9. We clear misunderstandings as quickly as possible.
10. We can stand up for ourselves without pushing others out of the way.
11. We can see that all things are related and are therefore careful to apply quick solutions to problems because quick solutions are likely to foster new, unexpected problems.
12. We learn to appreciate and love “the moment” rather than live as if we are perpetually waiting for a day when things will be better.
13. We can perceive when others do not have our best interests at heart but are not afraid to remain in relationship with such people, confident of our ability to self-protect.

Posted in Communication, Faith, Family, Sex matters | 5 Comments »

March 9, 2006

Identifying people who can be trusted

by Rod Smith

Trustworthy people…
1. … can be trusted with information; however, they do not pry into, or invade your life for information.
2. … are usually as willing to speak about themselves, as they are to hear about you.
3. … do not need access to the details of your life and are comfortable if you say that you are not ready to talk about something.
4. … are helpful with insight only when you have requested it.
5. … have a wide, diverse, enduring circle of friends.
6. … take full responsibility for their own lives and are not given to blaming others for anything.
7. … display integrity at every level.
8. … do not turn every conversation to focus upon themselves or their interests.
9. … do not persistently attempt to be “one up” with their stories or jokes.
10. … have developed a good sense of humor about themselves.
11. … do not offer unsolicited guidance.
12. … are highly respectful of other people under every circumstance.
13. … do not use put-downs.
14. … can track a conversation and respond to others rather than appear to have already made up their minds about a matter.
15. … can enjoy long silences without feeling the need to ensure there is conversation.
16. … don’t gossip about anyone.

Posted in Communication, Trust | Leave a Comment »

March 8, 2006

Sometimes a person you once loved (or still love) can be unnecessarily cruel

by Rod Smith

I am getting divorced after twenty years of marriage. While discussing financial matters, my soon-to-be ex-husband told me that in his “new life” he has found love that he has never before experienced with me. After all the feelings of betrayal and the on-going tension with the three children, when he said this it still hit me very hard. Was there nothing in 24 years he thought was real love? He has no clue about how hurtful it was to hear such a thing? Should I be angry or sad?

Be both! Each is appropriate. Knowing it is very difficult, I encourage you to shift your focus off him. Divorce is often a cruel form of warfare and he deployed a weapon to inflict unnecessary pain. His words have no benefit to anyone but to underscore that the man you once loved has resorted to unnecessary cruelty. Perhaps he is looking affirmation, some way of telling himself that he has done the right thing; that his move was worth it. Leaving children carries a great price. Somehow blaming you (for not really giving him “real” love) puts some of that payment at your feet. Don’t believe a word of it!

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Divorce, Family | Leave a Comment »

March 7, 2006

Wife is short with the children….

by Rod Smith

Q: My wife gets very rigid when she is upset if things are not going smoothly in her life. She becomes quite authoritarian and unreasonable with our children who notice it, and often point it out to me in a humorous way. I want to protect my children without interfering with my wife’s mothering. (Letter radically reduced)

A: Your family, your wife included, seems healthy. Of course your wife behaves differently when she is upset! Mild “retaliation” to the “nearest and dearest” is a most natural reaction to stress. That your children take the brunt of your wife’s moods is sad, but their use of humor suggests they are more resilient than you might think.It is wonderful that your children talk with you about anything they feel or observe. I’d suggest you encourage them to talk directly with their mother regarding what they experience with her.

If your children are subject to your wife’s moods, I will assume you, as a husband, have a similar experience. Address everything with your wife that pertains to you as husband and wife. Similarly, encourage your children to speak up for themselves directly to their mother.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

March 6, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept of tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not very loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take yours away from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice let alone handle the voice of two or three other people.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if he says he does. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances, to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world by maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are and what you have to say. Part of owning a voice and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness even if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talent. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers you.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

Posted in Anger, Communication, Divorce, Voice | Leave a Comment »

March 6, 2006

How to have good conflict with somene you love

by Rod Smith

“Stop. Look. Listen,” is a well-known maxim used to teach children to safely cross the street. It’s also helpful when employed by loving adults who are in conflict with each other. Flying off the handle, jumping to conclusions, and speaking before listening can result in unnecessarily hurtful exchanges.

Both persons would benefit from agreeing to:

Stop: Remind yourself that your conflict is with a person with whom you have significant history. While stopping is not easy, when you feel attacked or betrayed, slowing yourself down will reduce the damage that can result when words are hastily exchanged.

Look: Look at the person with whom you are in conflict. Look into his or her eyes deeply enough until you can see into their heart. It is unlikely the person before you is purposefully trying to hurt you.

Listen: After you have stopped and looked, listen to the issue at hand. Listen to what is being said, to what is not being said. Listen without interrupting, whether you agree or not.

In stopping, looking and listening you might learn about your blind spots, your potential for denial and the perspective of others — and you might find some resolution without causing unnecessary pain and hurt.

Posted in Anger, Communication, Family, Marriage | Leave a Comment »

March 1, 2006

Don’t confuse sex and intimacy: sometimes the two never meet!

by Rod Smith

Finding Intimate Relationships

Different people can give words very different meanings. For some, intimacy means physical sex. Intimacy is about much more than sex. It is about much more than what people can do with their bodies.

Here are some points about intimacy for consideration:

1. It is the ability to see another’s worlds as his or her world really is without bringing pressure to change what is seen in that world. It is the ability to accept another person’s reality even if it is not what we want it to be.

2. It is the recognition that physical sex is not automatically intimate. People who are very “far apart” can join their bodies for sex. Physical sexual activity can feel close without being at all intimate. Sex can be very misleading and is often a way to avoid intimacy and love.

3. Intimacy is sharing life and keeping what is shared within the framework of that relationship. It is possible, and not “dangerous,” as I have heard promulgated in some quarters, to have many intimate relationships (nothing to do with sex) at varying levels with different people.

4. In an ideal world, intimacy is first intellectual, then spiritual, then emotional and, when appropriate, sexual. It is easier to perform an impersonal sex act than it is to have an intimate relationship that is also sexually intimate. It is unlikely that a relationship that begins with sexual activity will be able to grow into a truly intimate relationship, sexual or otherwise. (Unlikely: not impossible.)

5. The person, with whom we are sexually intimate, will share with us the deepest intimacies of all. The relationship will penetrate deeper into all facets of our lives than all the other relationships we have. (This might help people understand why breaking up is hard to do).

6. It is so very seldom understood and appreciated that intimacy is an individual pursuit and is not dependent on the cooperation of another. One person can be very intimate with another when that other person might be choosing not to be intimate at all.

7. Casual sex, by definition, cannot be intimate. Casual sex is an act of the avoidance of intimacy.

Copyright 1998, Rod Smith, MSMFT

Posted in Communication, Marriage, Sex matters | Leave a Comment »

February 28, 2006

Shaping a child’s future

by Rod Smith

Let your child see he is capable of much good by encouraging him to be generous and kind toward others. If you, the adult, in your own life, place high value on generosity, the child growing up around you will form deep and lasting memories of your generosity and he will be empowered to seek a lifetime of giving.

Let your child see you give. Let him see you assisting in relieving the suffering of the poor, let him see you standing for justice and doing what is right.

Allow your child to see, as early as is possible, that his actions have consequences so that the world will not take him by surprise when it expects much of him. Let him see his moods can affect others, that his attitudes can be his best friends or his ardent enemies. Do this so that he will not be surprised when people expect him to take full responsibility for his life.

You, the parent, are the most powerful means of showing your child how adults behave, how the world works, how to be an effective and loving human being.

You, the parent, can do this from the earliest of days, and all without using guilt or blame.

Posted in Family, Parenting/Children, Single parenting | 1 Comment »

« Older Entries  |   Newer Entries »