Husband denied then admitted affair….

by Rod Smith

I read your “Jack and Jill” column last week and was pleased to see that I am not alone. I found out that my husband of 14 years had been having an affair for months. He denied the affair and through pure digging he admitted it. When I bring the affair up he gets angry and tells me to get over it otherwise our marriage is never going to work. He says I have to control my emotions and I must believe him when he says it is over. He says I have to stop going through his personal slips, his cell phone bill and that he feels like he has no privacy. He has turned that situation around after begging me to please forgive him and promising to do anything to make our marriage work and believe in him again. (Letter edited)

It is not your lack of control but his that landed you both in this unfortunate place. It is his lies, not your discovery of them that eroded your capacity to trust. A regretful man would invite you to talk about it as much as you want and to “dig” anywhere you please. Don’t permit further abuse – it was not you who broke the marriage bond.

6 Comments to “Husband denied then admitted affair….”

  1. I haven’t been married, but i wouldn’t forgive him but it is your decision of course. I admit i cheated once but that was when having some fling a while back, i was once in love and was cheated on, and because i loved her it made me feel like dying and as though i had no world left. If you feel how i felt all my sympathy in the world goes to you!

  2. Thanks for your reply James. I edited your response because I do not allow profanity on this site. It is read by people of all ages and all my readers deserve the respect of a “clean” site. A man who has loved as you have done ought to consider yourself above resorting to stereotypically adolescent images to say what you want to say. Rod Smith

  3. I just read your story. I am so sorry for what happened to you.

    I understand EXACTLY how you felt because I have been going through the same situation (and even worse) for almost 13 years now.

    My marriage is a fraud! My husband is a professional cheater and does not stop there; he will be arrogant enough to tell me how I should feel and what should matter to me. He cheats, lies, disrespects, abuses me so much that I lost a sense of who I am. He will have his multiple mistresses call our house, insult me. I am embarrased to describe what I have suffered in this relationship!
    I have been to see a psychologist twice. I struggle to kip up with the daily life; but it is so hard for me. We have 3 children and I don’t want to do anything that will mess up their life. They love their dad so much.

    I go to church and pray a lot to stay alive because I have thought about commiting succide so many times.

    I know that a lot of things are wrong with the way I handle this situation, but believe me I don’t know what to do with my “marriage”.

    My heart goes out to you.

  4. hello very hard to give exactly what is the real answered but i do understand the feeling of being deciet by a partner ,to me is like a bomd hit you .and cut to pieces thats what i feel when i found my fiance chatting intemately in the internet.. is like …cant move with shocked..anyway i did a big investagation and firm interogation to tell me the truth and he did..found out that women she is prostitute that he use her for 3 years..can you imagine what i feel is double,tripple situation..still now still hunted me all those words he use to her in the chat together….he promised to end t and not contacted her again but trust gone so always something thought in your mind….now im observing my feeling what do i do next to revenge

  5. Revenge in the right sense is perfectly acceptable. The best way of revenge is success. Pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and show the person who has betrayed your trust and broken your heart that you are a person of honour who is worth more. Please be advised, I have been institutionalised twice in last six months, I have a special needs child who is only 3 years old and my ex-partner and I also had a little girl who died 5 years ago. I thought WE were invincible, we had been through more than our fair share. It would appear not. Today he has advised me that he will be living with his ‘friend’ of whom I have questioned for the last seven months. I have shed many a tear today and am distraught even though my gut feeling was right – I didn’t want it to be. Don’t be the victim of your partner’s deceipt by initiating negative revenge that could possibly come back to bite you. Be strong, stand up for yourself without being arrogant, cry your tears when you have to – it’s ok and natural. Take care and keep smiling (when you can!)

  6. Rod,
    My husband has been talking to a woman for 15 months on his cell, she has even sent him nude photos.
    He said they have not had an affair, the woman called me and said they haven’t even kissed.

    I hate the deception for so long, we have been married for 15 years, separated twice because of his lying and taking $ out of my business (not adultery).

    We had a great sex, social, and family life.
    Why is he such a deceiver?

    I’m not going to take him back, he is like a chocolate glazed doughnut, sweet to the taste but so bad for me.

    Thank you for your writings they have really helped!

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