Archive for March 11th, 2006

March 11, 2006

How do I survive a long distance relationship?

by Rod Smith

Distance intensifies, and idealizes “love” sometimes to the point that it is easier to love an absent lover than it is to love someone real and present. Few people are as wonderful as our imagination, coupled with distance, can create them to be. (Which is one of many reasons pornography is so damaging and the reason why an Internet relationship is not a relationship in the “real” world.)

1. Don’t call each other or email every day. Rather agree to something more random like three times a week or when it is possible. This sets each person free from feeling tied to the phone waiting for it to ring or the Email to arrive. Such “free” scheduling also allows for persons to avoid some of the letdown of waiting in vain.

2. Don’t put your life “here” on hold because he or she is “there.” Long-distance relationships can rob you of the present, while you long for someone a long distance away. This is not fair to dear and near family and friends.

3. Don’t marry a person with whom you have had ONLY a long distance relationship no matter how “close” or “bonded” the “contact” makes you feel.

March 11, 2006

Are you an adult? It has very little to do with your age

by Rod Smith

I believe we are fully adulthood when:

1. We can be authentic with all people, including our parents, treating all others respectfully as equals, despite rank, position or the apparent lack of it.
2. We respect mutuality and equality and want them in all of our relationships.
3. We have acknowledged our hurts, grieved appropriately and decided to live to the fullest. We can delay gratification.
4. Confusion, ambiguity and uncertainty are allies, not enemies. We can “hold” seemingly conflicting thoughts and beliefs without becoming unsettled.
5. We can take full responsibility for our lives despite past trauma or neglect. We are able to recognize when and how we were victimized but no longer think, speak, feel or behave like victims.
6. We do not victimize others.
7. We have a small group of people to whom we talk about almost everything, but feel no compulsion to tell everybody or anyone everything.
8. We stop apologizing for things for which we could never be held responsible in the first place.
9. We clear misunderstandings as quickly as possible.
10. We can stand up for ourselves without pushing others out of the way.
11. We can see that all things are related and are therefore careful to apply quick solutions to problems because quick solutions are likely to foster new, unexpected problems.
12. We learn to appreciate and love “the moment” rather than live as if we are perpetually waiting for a day when things will be better.
13. We can perceive when others do not have our best interests at heart but are not afraid to remain in relationship with such people, confident of our ability to self-protect.