April 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
“After fifteen years my marriage broke down. I fell ill and my husband’s only interest was I was not sleeping with him. At work I conversed with a male friend. We fell in love. He was also married but we stuck to each other no matter what. Eventually we got caught and it all came into the open. His wife divorced him. We moved in together then he walked out without a reason. After looking I found him back with his wife. We still see each other but when I ask him where are we going he tells me to take it one day at a time. He makes me feel I have a problem. I love him. I would end this relationship if he would be honest and tell he doesn’t want me and I must move on. I’m torn between this guy’s love, loneliness, and not knowing what best for me.” (Letter shortened)
Break this off and consider no relationship for a year or two and you might begin to think clearly. It is not up to this man but up to you. Your affair has offered you no long-term fulfillment. The abdication of responsibility had misled you into a complex web that has blinded you.
Posted in Affairs |
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April 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
I am a person with a history to be respected, a present to enjoy and a future to build. I am fully capable of living my life to the full. I do not need a man or a woman to make me complete, although a respectful, equal and mutual relationship will enlarge both of our lives.
But, I will not be sidetracked by unhealthy relationships again.
Therefore: I will not build friendships, go out with, or become intimate with anyone who does not regard me with utmost respect. I want equality, honesty and trust in my relationships. I am better off single, alone and lonely than I am “sharing” my life with a man or woman who lies to me, cheats on me and disrespects me. I will not engage in sexual behaviour that I do not want or that my partner does not want.
I will move my life in a healthy direction despite the difficult hurdles that are in my path.
Posted in Sex matters |
1 Comment »
April 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
Forgiveness is a wonderful gift. It can most dramatically precipitate
healing among and within people. He who chooses to forgive seldom loses.
He who initiates forgiveness reveals his strength. It is the stronger
person who is first to forgive, and when the exchange is made, both
parties – the forgiver and the forgiven – each benefit from the act.
As quickly as you find it possible, and can muster the strength from
within you: forgive when you have been wronged; when you are
uncomfortable being around a particular person and would rather avoid
them; when you find you have little or nothing positive to say to or
about someone; when you always look for a way to avoid a certain person;
when you find it hard to think positive thoughts about someone.
Forgive when someone’s actions (real or perceived) seem to be buried or
sealed into your consciousness and you can’t seem to free them from the
prison in your head. Forgive when you feel haunted by someone whose acts
against you will not let you go.
Forgiveness links us with the divine, heals fragile families, hurting
communities and restores hope within broken people – and sets the
forgiver free.
Posted in Forgiveness |
1 Comment »
April 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
I feel like I have been hit on the back of the head with a cricket bat! My father-in-law is out of work and my husband has agreed to have him move in with us on a temporary basis. After my mother-in-law passed away two years ago the man has never been able to recover and I know this (his moving in) is going to put extra strain on our already tough marriage. The man is very kind and does not drink or smoke. it is just that he will be even more of a financial strain once he is living here. My husband did not ask me even though I know I would have agreed. What plan of action do you think I should take about how long he should stay and so on?
Welcome your husband’s father. Regard his moving in as an opportunity to empower and challenge everyone to grow from the experience. There are too many unknowns for me to be very specific in my suggestions, but these kinds of arrangements tend to “fall apart” when there is a lack of clarity at the outset. If you see this as temporary you might want to have both men spell out what “temporary” means to each of them.
Posted in In-laws |
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April 3, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader: My brother (29) is dating a woman (35) who has had two failed marriages. How do I tell him that he will get hurt?
Rod’s response: You don’t. You stay out of his personal business while also being the very best sister you are able to be. Your brother is old enough to take care of himself. If he cannot it is high time he learned! Even if your brother specifically asks you questions about what you think of this relationship, it is better that you withhold your opinion. Here is a question for you: What makes you think twice-married women are more harmful than interfering sisters?
Posted in Re-marriage |
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April 2, 2006
by Rod Smith
Love is not possessive. It does not try to keep you from other important relationships. A person who tries to restrict your freedom does not love despite what he or she might say. Sometimes a possessive person will say, “I am just this way because we are not yet committed,” or “because you are so beautiful.” The truth is that possessive people seldom become less so. Their hold will only increase as you permit it.
Love is not jealous. A person who loves you will celebrate your strengths and successes. A person who loves also applauds you when others do. They work to enhance your popularity with others. Sometimes a jealous person will say, “I am jealous of you because I love you,” or “my jealousy shows I care.” Nonsense. People are jealous for many reasons and it is never a sign of love.
Love is not only a feeling. It is measured in financial, spiritual, and sexual fidelity. The loving person does not play games with your feelings, spend your resources, or keep as a secret from you, matters that pertain to your friendship. Love seeks the highest good of all the people in your family. It has no desire to exclude or separate you from you family.
Posted in Differentiation, Love, Voice |
21 Comments »
March 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
Are you a responsive person (as opposed to a reactive person)?
1. Responsive people can function within life’s many tensions without becoming overwhelmed.
2. They can see possibilities within problems.
3. They are extraordinarily flexible and they can be very playful.
4. They shape their emotional environment, bringing calm and creativity to their context, rather than assuming the anxieties of those around them.
5. They initiate creatively rather than react defensively and can be objective and consider implications for everybody involved.
6. They see the immediate and the long-term effects of decisions.
7. They see the whole picture and how the whole moves and changes; they do not see only parts, but also how parts influence and impact each other.
8. They do not recruit others to be on their side when conflict occurs.
9. They are not “either / or” or “black and white” thinkers but can see many alternative options and possibilities when reactive people think there is none.
10. They place thinking above feeling: feeling is consequent to the thinking, not the reverse.
Posted in Anxiety, Responsive people, Trust, Voice |
4 Comments »
March 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
Get out of the middle!
Are you a reactive person or a responsive person?
Reactive behavior is characterized by:
1. Rash, knee-jerk decisions; being anger-driven, living with a “short fuse.”
2. Getting other people rallying for a cause, stampeding to get your way.
3. Being highly subjective and self-protective.
4. Running in the other direction.
5. Being easily hurt, insulted, or damaged.
6. Being humorless or seeing humor as a waste of time.
7. Developing a conspiratorial tone with others.
8. Saying, “People are saying…… about you.”
9. Over-functioning (doing things beyond your responsibilities).
10. Under-functioning (avoiding your responsibilities).
11. Giving unsought advice and expecting it to be followed.
12. Doing things for others that they can do for themselves.
13. Remaining surprised and innocent after causing much disruption.
14. Being vindictive.
15. Trying to get people to take sides.
16. Being unable to see beyond survival, feeling threatened at every turn.
17. Feeling overly responsible for others.
18. Feeling no other person, except you, knows what is right or good.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Reactivity |
3 Comments »
March 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My children (8 and 9) really like their mother’s boyfriend and I am fine with it. He is okay with the children and I know from a distant mutual acquaintance that he is a good father to his own children. The problem is that I think he tries too hard with mine and they say he is trying to take my place. I get all this third hand when the children come to me (most weekends). From your columns over the past few weeks I get the feeling it would be good for me to meet him. My ex-wife would probably not want me to meet him. What do you think?
RESPONSE: You have every right to meet any person who is sharing time with your children. You do not need your ex-wife’s permission. I’d suggest you phone him and cordially invite him to talk face-to-face. When you meet, don’t critique his relationship with your children, talk about your ex-wife or create any false alliance with him. Do not draw your ex-wife into this. He might choose to tell her about your phone call but that is something over which you have no control. Go well: you are being the man your children can respect.
Posted in Re-marriage, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather |
15 Comments »
March 26, 2006
by Rod Smith
My partner treats me like a doormat. I don’t mind doing the things he asks me to do if he’d show some appreciation now and again. I work all day while he is home watching movies and talking to friends on the Internet. When I am home he doesn’t have time with me because he has to focus on getting a job. He gets angry and silent when I am not all happy to see him and the truth is that I am not very happy to see him because he is hard work and very demanding. Please help.
I bet you could tell me every detail about this man’s behavior, yet be stumped if I ask you about your own. He treats you this way because you allow it. When you start to stand up for yourself and you refuse to be abused, he will move on to the next willing doormat. Sadly many women are willing to put up with lazy and abusive men so he will have no problem finding another willing host for his leech-like behavior. You’d be better off without this man but it will first require you to be able to face the prospect of being alone.
Posted in Domination |
1 Comment »
