July 20, 2006

Small steps to furthering emotional wellness

by Rod Smith

Forgive expansively. Commit specific and intentional acts of kindness. Despite the cliché, there is nothing at all “random” about acts of true, authentic kindness.

Write about your life in small, honest, vignettes. Make a list of the people who have most inspired you, then send them handwritten notes of thanks. If possible, go back to the neighborhood where you grew up and visit old memories, even if they are painful, and, even if everything has changed.

Find and thank the schoolteachers, sports coaches and youth leaders who inspired you.

Get as close, over time, to at least three healthy people (around your own age and of your own gender) as they will allow. Over extended time, and without being too overbearing or pushy, try to tell them everything. In return, listen.

Also, get close to at least three people who are of the opposite sex. Healthy men and women can and do enjoy opposit-sex-relationships that are not in any manner physical or romantic. Such relationships, especially if you are married, ought not be avoided. These relationships may not necessarily include your spouse, but neither will your spouse be intentionally excluded.

Posted in Forgiveness, Marriage | Leave a Comment »

July 20, 2006

Reader asks: Why don’t men communicate once they get married?

by Rod Smith

Forgive me for the absurd but the long-lost uncle who lives alone in a tree house on the edge of the Amazon, and who never writes to, phones or contacts the family, and who never sends the children birthday cards – is communicating a great deal. One thing he is saying is that he wants little or nothing to do with his family!

Although extreme, the illustration demonstrates an important point: people are constantly communicating. The problem often lies in whether the recipient is willing to hear (read, perceive, appreciate) the essence of the messages.

The married man who might never tell his wife how he feels, what he thinks, or what he wants is communicating a lot. Silence SAYS a lot.

This said, most men and women are likely to become more fulfilled when they learn to define themselves more clearly, and remove as much the guesswork for others as possible, and state more exactly what they want from life, others and the future. While this is very difficult for some people – it is achievable by functioning adults.

So before attacking any man for his failure to communicate, be sure you have understood that which he is already saying. His silence is probably full of meaning.

Posted in Communication | Leave a Comment »

July 20, 2006

Planning a wedding?

by Rod Smith

1. Have a wedding that you can afford without going into debt. Debt kills joy.
2. Regard your wedding preparations as a metaphor for how you will probably conduct life. The groom who sits back and lets a bride do all the planning and preparation is likely to sit back and expect her to do many of the important tasks the couple will face.
3. Remember getting married will not solve any but the most cosmetic of issues you face as a person and as a couple. A legal contract signed and witnessed between you will only serve to amplify any issues you already face and awaken a whole lot more. People who are unhappy single are likely to be more unhappy when married.
4. Pay the minister, priest or rabbi more than you pay a DJ or the barman. A lot of insight can be gained about a couple who expect to pay huge amounts for their wedding (expensive dress, excessive floral displays, rental of exotic cars, a flashy reception and an exotic honey-moon) who sneer with surprise, even disdain, when the pastor, rabbi or priest sets a healthy fee for his or her services.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

July 15, 2006

Finding new life and love after death or divorce

by Rod Smith

Completing grief, after death or divorce, can take years, and then lead to the reawakening of new love and refreshed hope. A dirge can become a wedding song.

I’ve witnessed great love and wonderful joy at second, third weddings,and seen families embrace new members in ways they never thought possible. I’ve seen men and women, having been pulled through the ringer of a cruel divorce, or the trauma of prolonged illness and then death of a beloved spouse, learn to laugh, trust, dance, and really love again.

Life often offers multiple chances at love, and the best candidates, for second marriages, may well be those who were happily married but who lost a spouse to illness, and those who have emerged from divorce without lingering bitterness.

Yes, life is full of hope for those with the eyes to find it, and the courage to embrace it. May those who embark on new love, having emerged from the ashes of death or divorce, find joy and fulfillment in very large, overflowing doses.

Posted in Divorce | 11 Comments »

July 12, 2006

He wants sex to see if we are “sexually compatible” before we can go on…

by Rod Smith

Reader’s Question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?

Rod’s Answer: What an old and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!

First, compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards.

Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how they respect and appreciate their parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.

Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.

Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love | 4 Comments »

July 10, 2006

Wise workplace behavior…

by Rod Smith

Remember why you are employed. Make your specific tasks your total focus. Don’t expect others to pick up after you or to complete your work.

Don’t ever steal anything at all – not time, not telephone calls, telephone usage, mileage, paper, or the use of the copy machine. Dishonesty is most unsettling. “Everybody does it” is enough reason to avoid whatever “it” is.

Never date your boss, colleagues or employees.

Never discuss, except in appropriate meetings with the appropriate people, what you are paid. Never ask questions about how anyone else in your organization is compensated, or give anyone information to colleagues about your own wages, salary or benefits.

Never discuss your domestic circumstances, your financial woes or your sex life at work. If your personal life is troubling, seek help with the appropriate department within your company or seek outside help. Don’t attempt to turn the workplace into a support group or therapy ward.

Learn to mind your own business. Help others to do the same by politely refusing, during work hours, to engage in conversation not directly related to the work at hand. While you are not at work to make friends, this should not stop you from being friendly.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

July 9, 2006

Age is just a number — will this relationship work?

by Rod Smith

I (22) am seeing a man (53) who is three years younger than my father. He says age is just a number, and that I make him feel 22 again. He’s been married twice to women who were both unfaithful. He is not going to tell his son (21) and daughter (25) about us just yet. I am uncomfortable telling my parents about him. Everything feels good except that we have to be secretive. Could this work? (Letter revised)

This is unlikely to be the stable, secure, relationship you probably hope for. If “age is just a number,” I must assume the man has also dated women who are eighty-plus-years-old in search of a faithful woman.

Apparently age is not “just a number” when it comes to introducing you to his children.

I’d suggest you terminate this secretive alliance. Find a man both you and your parents will readily embrace. Suggest he seek help to discover his role in choosing to marry two unfaithful women.

I wonder if your suitor would be comfortable were his son dating a fifty-year-old woman.

The age-is-just-a-number line, in his case, is such nonsense – don’t buy it.

Posted in High maintenance relationships, Space, Trust | 1 Comment »

July 7, 2006

To improve your most intimate relationship, talk about the following:

by Rod Smith

Give each other several days of notice before you sit down and answer these questions about your relationship.

Make brief notes before you talk. Agree to be completely silent while listening to each person respond to each question.

“Volatile” couples might choose to talk in a crowded restaurant where they are less likely to erupt!

Do not skip questions. Of course, couples without children will ignore the final question:

1. What have you been trying to tell me that I have not been hearing?

2. What am I already doing that you would you like me to do a lot more?

3. What am I doing that you would you like me to do a lot less (or never)?

4. What is important to you, that you might resist telling me, to avoid hurting my feelings? (What have I “trained” you not to talk about?)

5. What can I do to help you use more of your talents and be more fulfilled in life?

6. Is our intimate life (our sex life) all you want it to be?

7. What can I do to improve the quality of our intimate life?

8. In what ways do you think we might hold each other back (keep each other “down”)?

9. How can I be more responsible to you (not responsible “for” you) and responsive to you?

10. How do you think I could be a better parent?

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Therapeutic Process | 2 Comments »

July 5, 2006

A reader writes….

by Rod Smith

Hi Rod:

I read your column (in our morning newspaper) everyday and it’s like you already know me. I have just ended a horrific relationship which ended on a very bad note. I was trapped under his spell for three long, painful years. Lots of crying, and my poor heart was so trodden on. He is an alcoholic and had dangerous temper tantrums including smashing five of my windows in my flat whilst my children were with me. He nearly died with the injuries and as a result has a messed up hand which will haunt him forever.

It was a relationship that we both knew was bad for both of us. We brought out the worst in each other but loved each other to distraction. He proposed last year, I accepted then called it off at the end of January this year. Months went by with him stringing me along – he didn’t know what he wanted, made up all sorts of excuses and I couldn’t take it anymore. He left with his tail between his legs three weeks ago. I changed my cell number and barred him of sending me emails. He is such a coward and could never stand up for anything or make decisions.

Please keep up the encouraging daily tips.

Megan

Posted in Anger, Domination, Trust, Victims | Leave a Comment »

June 29, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept or tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice, you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take your voice from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice, let alone handle the voice of two or three others.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if they say they do. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances (like severe illness), to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world through maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent, and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are, and what you have to say when the authentic voice within you is allowed growth and expression.

Part of owning a voice, and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, marriage or job, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness, even when and if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talents. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully, and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence, and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Victims, Voice | Leave a Comment »

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