“Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me,” says the well-known little song, despite its vast inaccuracies.
Bones heal. Bones, I believe, can become stronger as a result of healing.
Harsh words, hard, misspoken comments, put-downs, slams, insults, double-edged “compliments” can stay with a recipient forever. They can be replayed, chorus-like, all through a person’s life. I have known people to be inflicted with fresh pain years after a toxic volley has been delivered.
Of course this is so!
I bet you can recall word-for-word what some misguided teacher yelled at you when you were knee high to a grasshopper. You might not still carry the pain, but some do. I’ve met them.
Responsible, accurate, sincere affirmations can inspire a child, guide an adolescent, motivate a young adult, and be a scaffold of continued success throughout a life-time for some people.
Mr. Richard Morey of Northlands Boys’ High School (now Northwood) did this for me.
On day and when I was about 14, he took a minute portion of an essay I had written, circled it, and said, in his dry manner, “Here, do more of this.”
I treasured that red circle, that moment of encouragement, for a very long time and, well, built much of my career on it.
Three years my teacher, made us write for 5 minutes everyday!
Many adults struggle with maintaining good and healthy boundaries.
It’s part of the human condition.
Knowing where I “end” and where you “begin” is not always easy.
Knowing what is my responsibility, and what is not my responsibility is often fuzzy, sometimes ambiguous.
Knowing when and how to draw my “line in the sand” when it comes to loving others and parenting children is certainly not for the faint hearted.
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries – is a life-long challenge.
Another challenge, which seems less frequently addressed, and integral to having good boundaries, is the matter of also having good brakes.
It is important to know when to “apply the brakes,” when to slow down, and to know when to stop.
Knowing when “enough is enough” would save a lot of heartbreak.
Persons with fuzzy boundaries often seem to have no, or at least poor, brakes.
They tend to go overboard, to buy too much, to give too much, talk too much, to pursue too much.
Here is the challenge: work as always, on your boundaries. Then, sharpen your awareness of when it is time to apply the brakes. Resist over-giving, over-loving, indulging, chasing, buying, showering with attention — when it comes to those whom you say you love.
“Ezra. My name is Ezra. I’m 18,” said a young man.
“You have a whole book of the Bible with your name,” I said introducing myself.
“I know,” he says, “my grandmother says that all the time.”
The boy is chatty.
“My dad made me play sports. He always checked my homework.”
“Sounds like you and your dad are close.”
“He’s dead. Murdered. A year ago. It’s ok. I am used to it. I cried once about it – on the day, but never again. No one talks about him.”
“Ezra, it is not ok,” I said, “listen to yourself.”
“What do you mean?”
“You tell me about your dad and sports and then that your dad was murdered — as if you’re talking about the weather. Ezra, it is not ok. You may be ‘used’ to your dad being dead but it is not ok. You have suffered great loss. I’m really really sorry this has happened to you and your family.”
“It’s ok. You know so far I have been offered scholarships to about 5 universities. I am not sure which one to choose. I wish my dad was here to help.”
When it seems that things are coming at you from all sides….
Hold onto yourself.
Even if you are surrounded by supportive loved ones, you are all you’ve got.
You are your own constant companion and your relationship with yourself is the longest relationship you will ever have – so you might as well be best friends.
You might as well learn to enjoy yourself.
How you treat yourself is (already) the platform from which you see others and it forms the lens through which you see all things.
When under pressure, don’t talk to everyone about what you are facing.
It’s a hopeful myth that all talking is helpful.
It’s not.
Choose a few trusted people and talk only to them
Spewing – freely-recalling, random mumblings, blaming others, yelling, speaking from a place of confusion or anger – has limited and few benefits.
Holding onto yourself involves planning what you will and will not share.
You are allowed to keep things to yourself.
You are allowed to plan and decide how you will behave, who you will be.
All this, and more, is all part of learning to hold onto yourself.
When you hold onto yourself, some will tell you are being selfish.
Self-awareness and selfishness are poles apart.
[I will be in Durban in February and April — not March — and would love to speak at your church, school, or fundraising event — make contact by email or private message.]
From a recent lunch in Cuba — note the hat and cigar. This vegetarian did not partake!
Suggestions for discussion among your immediate family, friends, fellow faith seekers, and co-workers:
What’s important? What do people really want and need in order to establish a healthy sense of peace. Please, add your insights:
A safe place to make and call home. A healthy and diverse diet. Regular exercise. Outdoor time.
Fulfilling and growing relationships. Someone to listen. Someone to hear. The trust of others and people to trust.
Meaningful work. Measurable goals. Long term ambitions. Short term successes. A community of like-minded colleagues.
On-going and life-giving connections with blood family and family of choice. Opportunity to enjoy long-established friendships, even friends from early childhood.
A meaningful role in a faith or service community. Engagement in a beautiful vision.
What do people really not need? What undermines peace?
Threats, real or imagined, to safety and security. Growing financial stresses.
Ambiguous relationships, those that are conditional, a trade, tight-rope, unpredictable relationships. Come-here, go-away “friendships.”
Responsibility without authority. Shifting goal-posts. Being blamed.
Working under fragile or sensitive leadership — a threatened boss. Leaders or bosses who have favorites, Leaders who bring fragile domestic circumstances to work.
A faith community with controlling leadership, rigid rules, operating from gross or subtle platforms of manipulation and blame.
Apparently a very good novel….. a trusted source tells me!
Open a savings account. Put some money away every month. Never touch it. You have never heard anyone say they’ve saved too much money.
Talk to your mother and father as much as possible. Do this even if it is difficult and even if they are. You seldom hear anyone say he or she regrets being close to their parents.
Tip well. Tip often. Be friendly. Compliment friendliness. Generosity is a life-style. It’s a habit worth developing. It’s rare to hear people complain that they spent their lives being open-hearted and generous.
Open doors and opportunities for others. Alert others to possibilities. Do this even if it means they will get ahead of you (whatever that means). Be the shoulders someone else can trust and stand on. Very few successful people are afflicted by helping others to succeed.
Refuse to talk about people who are not present to defend themselves or present their side of any story. This is, of course, unless you are lavishing someone with genuine compliments.
On a personal note….
I am deeply encouraged and flattered by the invitations I have received to speak at your church, school, or event in February. I know it is late notice but let me know via email if I may be of service to your cause.
One of my all-time favorite photographs of my son Nate.
Listen to your conversations, yes, eavesdrop on yourself.
I try to do this and I am often embarrassed how regularly I’m on auto-play. I hear the same stuff – the same stories and one-liners – coming out of me over and over again.
It is as if I am bored with myself and those who are part of the “conversation.”
I don’t like this about me and I don’t particularly like it when I’m caught in someone else’s well-worn loop.
Sometimes I hear traces of contempt and sarcasm in my conversations.
I am very careful about avoiding swearing and blasphemy, yet there are times I am apparently okay with using words as clubs and bullying others with snarky sarcasm. These verbal habits are surely at least as toxic as possessing a foul mouth.
The gift of thoughtful conversations, where people listen without waiting to talk and people hear what is really being said is something to which I deeply aspire despite what sometimes comes out of my mouth.
By the way, I am heading to Duban during much of February.
I would be delighted to speak at your school, church, business, or club – and I promise to watch my mouth.
Drop me an email if you are interested.
Let’s see what time permits.
Two new pieces in our home — picked up in Lome, Togo and framed locally.
• You backseat drive (car or no car). No matter where you sit in the vehicle (the office, school, hospital) your attention is on the driver (the leader) and the driving (management, leadership). You probably think you know the best way to any destination (even places new to you).
• You do things for people they can do for themselves (even if you don’t believe it). If challenged, you may name it “serving others” or “acts of humility” or “if you want something done, do it yourself.” Truth is you are trying to manage or ease your anxiety and really cannot stop yourself.
There is a downside of being in a family or organization with people who over function: those who tend to underfunction seldom get to grow and can become lazy or entitled.
The downsides for those who over function is their self-created indispensability leads to exhaustion with accompanying doses of martyrdom for which there is never enough expressed thanks.
Please, do not use this column to point fingers. Those who have a tendency to over function already know it. Truth is they will be even more beautiful than they already are when they focus only on their unique responsibilities and allow all others to take care of their own responsibilities.
No matter how good or qualified your therapist — therapy will be of no help:
If you’re seeking help with your intimate relationship but you’re living with your mind made up, bags packed, and a heart full of blame and complaints.
It’s therapy, not arm-wrestling.
If you’re having an extramarital affair and you want to improve your relationship with your spouse so your divorce can be cordial.
It’s therapy, not help with deception and manipulation.
If you’re coming to change or influence a relationship you’re not directly a part of, for instance, you want to fix your son’s marriage or you want you husband to call his mom more often.
It’s therapy, not human chess.
If you’re committed to treating your adult sons and daughters as if they’re children and wonder why they resist visiting or phoning you.
It’s therapy, not guilt-tripping.
If you’re hoping for help to change the political views of people with whom you do not agree.
It’s therapy, not magic.
If you want the lazy to be hardworking, the harsh to be gentle, the stingy to be generous, and the unforgiving to find mercy.
Men and women who discover such radical transformation do so because they grow tired of their selfish, rigid, alienating and arrogant ways, and, in humility, find the courage for change.
It’s not therapy, it’s when desperation meets the Divine.
difficultrelationships.com 