September 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
The earlier people realize that life is a solo challenge, and this includes children, the greater the degree of health will potentially flow into a family. Despite all the love and support a loving family can provide, individuals who clearly see their own powerful and distinct role in creating their own success will better contribute to the overall health of the family.
People who are “in the same boat” (or see a committed relationship as a “bicycle built for two”) usually confuse embracing another’s anxiety, indulgent sympathy, and, empathy, with love. Their attachments (fusions, dependencies) become so inordinately inflexible that one person’s anxiety (or issues) results in debilitating the effectiveness of other family members. In other words, “If I am not making it, and if you love me, you will so strongly iddentify with me that you won’t make it either.”
Healthy people do not permit the anxiety of loved one to destabilize (overwhelm) their own wellbeing, but offer challenge to the anxious because they understand the value of strength over weakness. This does not mean they are untouched by the sufferings of those whom they love, but they are particularly aware that remaining distinct, remaining strong in the presence of problems is not only the wiser way to function, but it is the greater gift to the family and the larger community.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Trust |
1 Comment »
September 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
1. If you try hard enough you can make someone love you, or to stay with you when they have already decided to leave.
2. Habits you find annoying will disappear after the wedding, or after the new house is built, or when he or she gets a new job or a new car.
3. Having a baby will fix a troubled relationship.
4. Living together is the same as being married.
5. Men want sex more often than women want sex.
6. Real love means you will love everything about the person you love.
7. Forgiving means forgetting.
8. Time heals.
9. Jealousy is an indication of love.
10. Loving another requires self-denial.
11. Real love is two people in the “same boat.”
12. People who are in love always know where the other is, and what the other is doing.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Communication |
Leave a Comment »
September 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Question: My girlfriend keeps in touch with her ex-boyfriend. She says this is normal and should not bother me. I think messaging him almost everyday, phoning him on her way home almost every night, and talking to him more than she talks to me is a bit much. If I make too much of it she says I am jealous. I tried to ignore it. I cannot. Please help. (Letter revised to isolate central issue)
Rod’s response: It seems your girlfriend is not ready to fully separate from her ex, to the point where he is truly an ex. Her lingering connection, demonstrated by her ongoing communication, suggests she is not sufficiently emotionally disconnected from him, or ready to be fully focused on her relationship with you.
You might have noticed romantic and emotional connection is only possible with one other person at a time. Any attempts at multiple, romantic and emotional connections usually cause severe problems for all who try it, or who are victims of such attempts.
I’d suggest you recognize her lack of focus by suggesting she explore her residual hankerings, while you agree to sever your ties with her so as not to cause her any interference while she determines what it is she wants.
Posted in Affairs, Communication, Past relationships |
4 Comments »
September 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
READER’S QUESTION: Our daughter is 17 and will hardly go anywhere with her very few friends and wants to be at home all the time. She is a good student and works very hard at everything she does. Should we be worried that she has hardly any friends and seems to be hiding by staying at home?
ROD’S RESPONSE: While your daughter may, or may not, be able to tell you the answer, ask her if there are ways in which she thinks she’d like to change anything about her social life. Ask her how she thinks you might be able to be a help to her in this regard.
My hunch, since you have not mentioned excessive sleeping, unpredictable mood swings, or any manner of disturbing patterns of eating (or not eating), I’d suggest she daughter is doing what is most comfortable for her at this time.
Enjoy her presence around your home. Many a parent would give a limb to have their son or daughter at home more often.
Posted in Children, Communication, Differentiation, Family, Listening |
Leave a Comment »
September 4, 2006
by Rod Smith
1. Remind yourself daily that there are no “self-made” men or women and liberally thank all who have helped you achieve success.
2. Brush or clean your own shoes – always.
3. Pay people more than they expect.
4. Don’t put anyone on “hold” when you have initiated the phone call or take a call when you are talking face-to-face with anyone.
5. Tip liberally irrespective of the quality of service.
6. Take a hungry stranger, preferably a street person, to lunch several times a year.
7. Send your mother flowers – often.
8. Take your father to breakfast – often.
9. Turn your cell phone off while you are with your family.
10. Renew your wedding vows.
11. Write a letter your offspring will read fifty years from now.
12. Readily forgive those who have hurt you.
13. Be very generous and give away a large sum of money to the charity of your choice, your church, temple or synagogue.
Posted in Communication |
1 Comment »
August 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
Yesterday’s column generated much response. One response (edited for space) appears below. To respond to points of contention: the husband’s role ought not be “less” because he has been inconsistent. His role is not “earned.” He is dad. Suggesting he has less of a “voice” is a cop out for a girl making adult choices. Contrary to what most teens perhaps believe, a teenager’s relationship with his/her parents is more important than any romantic relationship.
“If I were the girl even being as mature as I was at 15, I must say that I would not ‘opt for what my parents preferred’ if they had allowed me to act a certain way for an extended period of time and then tried to implement a new rules. While it’s true that although the dad should still have some authority, it would be stronger if he were consistent with his daughter. Were I his daughter, I would be less willing to listen to him. Although 15 is a young to be sexually active, it’s not abnormally young and it sounds like her choice of partner is not a bad one. It would be a good idea for her parents to discuss positive sexual relationships and birth control — so she should at least be educated in the subject.”
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Teenagers |
3 Comments »
August 29, 2006
by Rod Smith
My husband and I have an awful wedge between us over our daughter (15). She has been involved in a relationship with a young man (17) for 18 months. My husband has never truly been in favor of the relationship but because of his inconsistent involvement with our daughter’s upbringing he sometimes accepts it. I am more accepting. We disagree about her staying at his home, which has been happening on a regular basis for 10 months. I have no problem but my husband is totally against it. I know, and like, the boy and his extended family. They have high standards. Both young people have assured me that they are not sexually active. My daughter pleads with me to trust her. (Letter edited)
Response: Your daughter is too young for such an intense relationship but it is unlikely, after permitting it for 10 months, you will be able to stop it. I think, and I am often wrong, it somewhat naive to think there is no sexual activity between these children.
Agree on what both parents would prefer. Inform her. If she is worth trusting, and is sufficiently mature for such an intense relationship, she will opt for what her parents prefer.
Your husband’s inconsistency does not disqualify him from having authority.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Teenagers |
2 Comments »
August 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
I am 23. My boyfriend (32) wants me to watch pornography with him. It is very uncomfortable for me. He insists, and I feel pressure to give in. He says it is “normal” and that his previous girlfriend did it all the time. (Letter edited)
Response: Always refuse sexual behavior you don’t want. As adults you and your boyfriend can do whatever you mutually consent to do, but going against what you find acceptable will not do you (or your relationship) any good.
Evidence, limited I agree, suggests your boyfriend is potentially abusive: he exerts pressure, won’t hear your “no”, makes hurtful comparisons to get his way. I’d suggest you are one of the many women he will use, but not love.
The problem with pornography (which has no redeeming features) and apart from its degradation of the “actors” is that it promotes sexual behavior that is only lustful. It omits entirely the portrayal of the sex act as something mutual, respectful, private and loving, best enjoyed by married, respectful equals. By the way, if he and his previous girlfriend were so sexually compatible I can only wonder why they are not still together.
Posted in Pornography |
4 Comments »
August 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
Our loving son (23) got married two years ago and invited only my husband and me from his family. This was very hurtful. He has refused contact with his family whom he believes don’t understand his Christian faith. They live with his in-laws and his wife’s stepfather is the pastor. My husband has just recently undergone serious surgery. Our daughters went to visit him to tell them about his father’s illness. They stayed in the car outside their home to give him the message. Email contact is curt and brief. I emailed my son begging him for support as I miss him so much. The response was that the support I must get is from God. For a year we have respected his wishes but hope he will soon share his life with his family at this is difficult time. (Letter edited)
While your son is an adult and free to disconnect from his family, the disconnection is unlikely to serve him enduringly well. He is demonstrating cult-like behavior, whether he belongs to one or not. Except in rare circumstances, where a member of a family has been a victim of violence or sexually aberrant behavior, there are no helpful reasons to sever family ties. Your son is unlikely to find lasting emotional peace while being cutoff from his family.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, In-laws, Marriage |
Leave a Comment »
August 26, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?
Rod’s Answer: What an old and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!
First, compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards.
Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how they respect and appreciate their parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.
Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.
Posted in Attraction, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Victims, Violence |
1 Comment »
