(In response to column published 8/22/06)
“My dad was not an emotional man and on his deathbed a few years ago I urged him to tell me he loved me. This sounds selfish but I knew it was something we both needed. Before he died I saw him cry, I heard him tell me he loved me and I felt the joy of being a young child as he said it. I think this conversation made his death easier for him and for me.” (Letter shortened)
Reader Writes: I lost my husband earlier this year. He was murdered. Since the incident his family have been absolutely nasty. They saw me as “good” before. Now I am “bad.” My sister-in-law is very controlling. They want me to hire a private investigator to solve his murder. My husband was a man of peace and prayer. He would not want me to do that. She wants to take over the whole process. He was son and brother. I’m “just” a wife. They have really hurt me. His sister has turned his entire family against me. My children are young. I would do anything to protect them against any negative influences. The children have suffered enough without this. What do I do? (Letter edited)
There are no easy answers to the painful circumstances that your family, in-laws included, is facing. As you further grow in strength and insight, following this dreadful occurrence, and once a full year has passed, I trust you will be very clear regarding three broad principles: Your position as wife and mother is not determined by the emotional condition of your in-laws: the future, for the sake of your children, must not be driven by the devastation of the past, and, the understanding that anger, and, invasive control are often forms of understandable, but misguided grief.
My father is getting older. He has never told me he loves me. Do you think I should ask him to say it once before he dies? I feel child-like asking the question because I am an adult with my own children. I have no problem telling my children I love them – both because I do love them, and because I want my children to hear it from me, their mother.
Rod’s Reply: Yes. Tell him that hearing him use the words “I love you” directed at you would mean a lot. Being an adult, you are fully aware that asking your father to say he loves you does not mean he will. I think it is a risk worth taking. Asking him could prove good for you both.
Sadly, some sons and daughters will never hear loving words from a parent, and, but for the most toxic of families, it is something it seems we desire from a parent, no matter how young or old we may be.
Expressions like, “I love you”, “I am proud of you”, “you please me”, “being your parent has enriched my life”, and, “I brag about you whenever I have the opportunity,” are sentiments that can enrich anyone’s life, even if you have to point-blank ask for them to be said.
Dear Rod,
I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t normally enjoy your column! The reason is that you tend to be too judgmental and autocratic. Maybe you are thinking now that I’m being defensive and reactive because your answers touch a soft spot with me. You may very well be correct but I believe the reason is because nothing is ever so definite and ‘black and white’ in any relationship. Though we always do feel as though this is true – the old big, fat ego again.
I have attached one of your previous column’s which my boyfriend put next to my bedside and gave some of our friends a copy to ‘prove’ to them that I was such an awful person and exactly what you had written applied 100% to me. Very hurtful!
I wrote that letter to our psychologist who we were seeing for help in our relationship. I now go alone as he says I am the one with the problems, I am the one that needs to change and he is perfect – yes, 100% correct and with no personality flaws.
With regards to today’s question and answer: I do identify with this woman as my boyfriend does attack, insult, character assassinate and yell at me. a couple of months ago I used to react equally as provocatively and angrily. I now do not react as I have realised it is when he is inebriated, worrying about his Mom who has cancer, or his business which is in dire straits or all of the above. This by no means justifies his behaviour but at least I am not perpetrating the behaviour or getting caught up in the lose-lose situation. He inevitably calms down and carries on as though nothing has transpired.
His ‘good’ side is 80% of the time and he is the most generous, affectionate, fun-loving, passionate man I have ever known so it far out-weighs the dark side!
However, I have stayed in destructive relationships prior to this for the simple reason that I have had to believe and ‘buy’ and allow the verbal abuse – e.g. I am stupid, argumentative and have serious mood swings for no rhyme or reason – because if I didn’t I would have to walk away because nobody can believe they are loved if someone accuse you of these atrocities and they are NOT true. Do you understand the logic here? I’m finding it difficult to articulate. I just mean you have to buy into the story so that you believe the love is there and that person can help you change and then, only then, will the relationship work. Psychi of an abused woman?
Anyway the other issue is, to quote you, “Tell me what keeps a person in a relationship that apparently offers nothing but pain and humiliation?” We stay in relationships like this because it does not just offer pain and humiliation! We don’t discuss or question the beauty and joy and comfort and compassion because there isn’t a problem on that side and we desperately want to correct and heal the dark side. Also it seems that in some relationships we desperately want the roller coaster ride because without the lows and dips they can’t have the elating, endorphin releasing highs. another reason for staying or being ‘trapped and the victim’ is low self esteem – get them to watch Oprah’s show!
I adore all your advice re kids, parenting – single and step! Thank you for that! God bless and I’m sure you’re helping hundreds of people.
Reader
Durban, South Africa
Those who are growing in authentic love try to listen, prefer to negotiate mutually agreeable decisions when conflicts arise, yet boldly and lovingly enter disagreements when agreement is not easily established.
Those growing in authentic love know that such love often hurts, perhaps even more than it experiences good, warm, and soothing feelings. This is partly because those who are growing in authentic love are constantly reminded of how little power and control people really have over each other.
Those growing in authentic love forgive people even when forgiveness is not requested. They forgive because they know resentment, bitterness, and hardness hinder everything that is beautiful about the process of personal growth.
Those growing in authentic love expect those whom they love to know what they want from life and from love. They themselves have a clear sense of who and what they are and understand that self-definition is an integral component to nourishing enduring relationships.
Please write, I'm reading...
It is impossible to make another person:
1. Be happy. Be fulfilled. Become angry. Change. Succeed. Fail.
2. Love, want, need, or miss you. Be glad to see you. Love, want, need, miss, or be glad to see someone else.
3. Trust you.
4. See, feel or think in a certain manner for an enduring period. Most people are willing to “sell out” their minds, ideas and dreams for the sake of romance, but this (“selling out” your mind) does not usually last for very long.
5. See the light, or get some sense into their heads.
6. Lose or gain weight, save or spend money, want or not want sex.
7. Use, or stop using drugs, alcohol and cigarettes or bad language.
As far as other people’s relationships are concerned, it’s impossible to keep people apart who want to be together, and keep together, those who want to be apart. Embracing such goals is likely to have the opposite effect. People feel closer when their relationships are threatened and tend to resist relationships when coerced by others.
Please give me your ideas on why women (yes it tends to be women) stay in very abusive relationships and struggle to leave what it so obviously toxic to anyone looking in? Please send your comments. I’d most like to hear from women who have found freedom after a long and tough relationship. Please post your response as a comment.
If you want a letter to not be on the web (or published in a paper) then send it to
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
Reader: My husband says I laugh at the “wrong” things my son (4) does. He says that “cute” and “charming,” when my boy wants his own way, in our young son (4) will come back to bite us. This is a point of regular, often playful, discussion between us. What do you think?
Rod’s Response: While there is so much to be enjoyed around young children, your husband has a point worthy of discussion. Cute, charming, manipulative behavior from a young child – “working the room” to get his own way – might be the source of great amusement, but the similar behavior, from the same child at thirteen, might be considered obnoxious.
Be aware of what you applaud and be careful what you allow to win you over. If charm and manipulation succeed at three, at five and at seven, you might have a tough task trying getting your teenager out of the habit.
But many children are cute and charming as a natural expression of who and what they are without any desire or intent to manipulate. While adults must be careful what they endorse, they ought also to be careful regarding what they interpret and consider manipulation in children.
Reader: “Thanks for your reply about my friend’s son living and ‘doing drugs’ in the UK (8 August). My son says the young man concerned is very thin, and his nose is inflamed and is using cocaine. If I were this mother I would like to know but the mother is a long way from her adult son and I wouldn’t like her to spend sleepless nights worrying. My son asked me not to tell her. He doesn’t want to be the ‘tell tale’ so I’m having sleepless nights worrying about my friend’s son and about where my loyalties lie? (Edited for space)
Rod’s Reply: This is a giant toxic triangle and example of how anxiety spreads. The “wrong” person (the powerless) is anxious, and it seems no one is addressing the man himself. I’d suggest you tell the mother she’d be wise to contact her son regarding his health. Accuse him of nothing.
Tell her what you’ve heard about his weight loss and his nose. Invite her to contact your adult son for more information. Your adult son ought not have the privilege of spreading anxiety, only to then avoid his integral role in order to avoid being called a “tell-tale.” This is a tale worth telling. Cocaine is not child’s play!
“I have been married for twenty years. For the first years my husband was secretive and unfaithful. For the last ten years we became involved in a church and now my husband is a faithful man, thanks to the pastor and community who really loved us. Even though he has really changed at times I become afraid he might go back to his old ways. How will I know when I am healed and this process is complete?” (Letter edited)
Rod’s Response: When infidelity occurs, love can last much longer than trust, and, once defiled, trust is much harder to restore. Your letter reveals you understand an important key: trusting your husband is about you, as opposed to being about him.
Rather than wanting the process of rebuilding trust within yourself to be complete or healed, I’d suggest you regard it as an ongoing healing process that will have some ebbs and flows within you. As you have attested, there will be days when you are yet troubled by the past. Then there’ll be months when you can hardly remember the harder times. Healing (or trusting) is not a concrete state – it’s an ongoing condition of offering yourself, and your husband, much grace within the miracle of restoration you share.
