September 26, 2006

Step-parenting, the problem of “too much, too soon” —

by Rod Smith

I get a number of letters each week about stepparenting, gone awry. The theme is usually something like, “the children were wonderful in the beginning,” and, “I am the only father/mother they could trust” and, “now I am being accused of trying to take over,” or “he/she said I am invading his/her boundaries,” and, “this is the last thing I expected from what was a very cute and loving little boy/girl.” Please help.

While such scenarios are hurtful to the well-meaning stepparent, whose honest desire is to love, guide and care for the child who accompanies the new spouse into the new marriage, the potential problems must be seen in a context: the child has emerged from the ruins of something (a broken marriage or relationship of some sort).

The adults in the “new” family constellations must address some matters from the very outset by avoiding the “too-much-too-soon” trap. This is the temptation is to be “larger” to a young child than the length, or depth, of the relationship can realistically allow. (Don’t behave like the relationship is longer or deeper than it actually is).

If you are entering a blended family, do not be “more” to the children, even if they will allow it. Being “more,” “bigger,” “greater,” than a biological parent will almost always come back to haunt the well-meaning “new” mom or dad.

Posted in Blended families, Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers | 1 Comment »

September 26, 2006

Chasing her, and she’s going farther away… is it worth it?

by Rod Smith

READER: I am 22 and have been chasing the same woman for about three of four months and she seems less interested in me now than when we first met. At first she was friendly but then when I wanted to ask her out she began to ignore me. Her parents are very traditional in their ways. I think she is scared to be associated with me for fear of what her parents will do because I am from a different language group and we have different customs. Can you offer me any advice? (Letter edited)

ROD’S RESPONSE: Customs, language and parents aside, if you pursue someone who has demonstrated no interest in you, and who is “moving away” from you, your efforts will merely serve to push them further away. If there is no natural attraction, friendliness, warmth, evident from her toward you, I’d suggest you widen your lenses, and look beyond this person in pursuit of a mutual, respectful relationship.    

Posted in Affairs, Attraction | Leave a Comment »

September 25, 2006

I can’t trust, he is very patient, I will lose him……. HELP!

by Rod Smith

Reader Writes: I am in a bad relationship with a man who is trustworthy but I have no ability to trust him. I jump down his throat a lot and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious and accusatory. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change (through therapy) but it’s a process. My upbringing was abusive and I know my damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing this fantastic man who would be a fabulous dad and loyal husband. Being around him makes me face my fears but every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me and he imagines me having his babies. (Letter shortened) 

Rod’s Response: Your honesty, his patience, and, adhering to the wisdom of your therapist might get you to the “other side” of your current problems. If you really seek to resolve your childhood issues, which are sounding so loudly in your present, be sure your therapist is skilled in “family-of-origin” therapy, so these powerful past experiences can lose their powerful grip upon your present.

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Triggers | 1 Comment »

September 20, 2006

My wife wants to talk constantly about the affair I had and she forgave me for…… Why?

by Rod Smith

If one spouse forgives the other for cheating, why does it (always) get brought up in conversations long after the cheating has ended and after the forgiveness has been granted? (Question asked “online”)

Here are four, of many, reasons:
1. Sexual infidelity severely wounds people (all people involved) and relationships on many levels. Its power to shake life ought never be underestimated. Betrayal cuts a deep wound and often dislodges the capacity for future trust. (This is for the victims and the perpetrators!)
2. Because of the intense intimacy that can accompany the sex act, the betrayed spouse might go on a quest to know if the “stolen sex” led his or her partner into deeper levels of intimacy than were achieved within the marriage.
3. The forgiver will probably interpret silence (or anger, or even “over” focus) as an indication the affair did not really cease, or that it has been re-ignited.
4. Talking can connect people, and it can (but does not always) offer hurt people a sense of legitimate control and order. People who have been betrayed often want to talk about their experience (hurt, pain) as an attempt to stop their lives from (the feeling of) running totally out of control.

Men and women who have participated in infidelity, and who yet have a forgiving spouse who is willing to work on the marriage, are encouraged to talk openly about anything the forgiving spouse may want talk about. There are some necessary limits to this which I will go into in another posting.

Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Forgiveness, Listening, Marriage, Voice | 9 Comments »

September 20, 2006

Increase your child’s effectiveness as a student, and person by…

by Rod Smith

..reading to him while he is an infant, with him while he is a child, and alongside him when he is in his early teens.

..leaving as much of his school work and associated responsibilities up to him as early as possible.

..believing in his teachers, and in their capacity to inspire him to achieve worthwhile goals.

..refusing to compare a his academic or sporting achievements with anyone but with his own past achievements.

…reminding him he is 100% responsible for 100% of his behavior and his attitude at school, home, and everywhere he goes.

..keeping a shared, handwritten journal where you alternate entries with your son about anything affirming you’d both like to say about anything.

..encouraging as little exposure to TV in your home as possible.

..welcoming, enjoying, and offering and serving meals to his friends as often as possible.

…coming to peace with your own unresolved conflicts lest you burden the next generation with all you ignored or refused to resolve.

(Of course, while written using “he” and “him,” each point applies as much to daughters).

Posted in Blended families, Children, Communication, Education, Teenagers, Voice | Leave a Comment »

September 18, 2006

Reader “messed” around, and learned his lesson…. now he’s having difficulty trusting her…

by Rod Smith

Reader: My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. At first I was the one who messed around with my ex-girlfriend. I was young and couldn’t let go. However, she stood strong and gave me another chance. Since that day something inside me changed. It was almost as she re-instilled my morals. I go out and go home to her. No cheating in any way. No flirting. She’s the only woman I want to be. For reasons to do with her education she’s moved away and I only see her every second weekend. We hardly talk because she is either busy or with friends who are mostly guys I have never met. I have had an uneasy feeling for a few weeks. What do you think? (Edited for space)

ROD’S REPLY: I trust your change, with or without her, is enduring. If this relationship is to last, you are going to have to learn to trust your girlfriend and resist allowing the distance to so unsettle you. Uneasiness within you will make your occasional conversations and visits feel controlling (for her). Talking with you will feel like a burden, and burdening her with your uneasiness, while she is enjoying herself, will only create a larger distance between you, and she might decide a long-distance “heavy” relationship is not worth the effort.

Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Attraction, Long distance relationships | Leave a Comment »

September 18, 2006

Reader saw kindness in action…

by Rod Smith

Speaking of kindness (”You and Me” Friday 15/9/06) it seems that along with being kind oneself, it may be useful to “amplify” those acts of kindness one sees in everyday situations. What we give our attention to, grows.

I was at a red light when a car pulled up alongside mine and stopped behind a motorcyclist who was also waiting for the green. The occupants of the car were three tough-looking young men, bodybuilders by the look of their T-shirts stretched across bulging chests and arms.

Suddenly, one of the men leaped from the car and ran over to the motorcyclist. Pointing to the biker’s shoe, he indicated the lace was loose – and in the midst of the busy traffic intersection, quickly knelt down and tied the lace before dashing back to his car. The biker looked surprised, and just had time to nod a hurried thanks over his shoulder before the light changed and the traffic roared off. I bet he was thankful – a loose shoe lace on a motorcyclist could be disastrous if caught in the drive-chain.

It seemed the bodybuilder figured that the biker would have had to dismount to tie the lace, so he just did it for him!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

September 14, 2006

Try a little kindness….

by Rod Smith

Genuine kindness expressed today, among us all –– colleagues at the office, the teachers in the staff room, doctors and nurses who pass each other running the hallways of a busy hospital –– wherever we find ourselves at work, will be helpful.

Small acts of kindness might not change the world, but they will enhance our individual experiences of work, and add to its meaning.

Here’’s kindness in a nutshell: Don’t gossip, or spread rumors, or tell tales, or waste time. Don’t lie. Try not to ignore people, or regard others as a means to your getting your way. Be generous, and wide-hearted, open-handed. Offer accurate compliments to those who might least expect kind words. Most of all, and this is a well-known secret to great fulfillment, do your job very well. It is a powerful way to be kind both to yourself and to your boss!

Posted in Love | 1 Comment »

September 13, 2006

A reader writes about step-parenting:

by Rod Smith

“I can relate to the stepmother of six children. My experience was very bad and a long haul. I also got to the stage where I just stopped caring and turned my cheek for the next slap. Where do I start perhaps with the your’s and mine scenario. I had two daughters and he had a son and a daughter and later on one of our own.

My partner was very strict with my children who were living with us and because it was his home I supported him and his rules. His son and daughter came to us for school holidays and weekends. His son was a very angry child and it seemed that he purposely would do things to upset me. I tried to be understanding and make allowances for him which was perhaps my first mistake.

My partner would actually send me to the bus station to fetch the children who live away with their mother. Their faces would show their disappointment at seeing me and not their Dad who was out when we got home.

His son openly blamed me for this situation. He thought it was my way of making sure his father love them less because I was stopping him from being with them.

During school holidays my children had to carry on with all the rules that had been laid and there chores continued. His children did not have to help out because they were on holiday. I started sending my children to my brother for school holidays because they started resenting the way things were. This was also the wrong thing to do but I wanted to keep the peace between everyone.

His son and daughter as they got older started telling stories to their mother and father. The mother would phone the father I would be judged and accused of victimising his children. On occasions when I defended myself he told me that I was the adult in the situation and his children do not tell lies. I had no support and as the children got older they realised this and both started manipulating situations. I wanted to leave but ever time I tried to he promised me things would change and I must please come home with our child.

When his son was 15 he came and lived with us permanently because his mother decided it would be best. Once again I was told what was happening and had to go with the flow. Until his son left school he caused a lot of conflict and pain for everyone including his father. His daughter left school and wanted to live with him but told him this would not have happen unless he get’s rid of me. I was not aware that his daughter and me had a problem so this came as a bit of a shock.

His exact words to me were “he thinks I should move out for a while with our child and give him and his daughter time to bond”. I was angry and told him that he should have bonded with his daughter while she was growing up.

I did move out and decided that it was over time to move on. He came with his stories again and I ended up going back because our child needed a mother and a father. His daughter was openly rude to me.

His son’s 21st came and I arranged a small party for him and his friends. The son gave a speech and thanked me for every thing. It was the first nice thing he had ever done for me. I could full you in on all the gritty details but it would take way to long.

My conclusion:- Although my daughters were brought up in a strict environment and they did resent it they have benefited from it.

I spent a lot of years blaming his son and his daughter for my problems with them but have since realised that I should have been more firm. His son’s anger was not really directed at me, he was angry because his parents split up. He thought if I was out of the way his parents would get back together again.

My partner and his ex-wife are in my opinion one couple who should never have divorced but they did and they blamed each other. They used their children as pawns in their war zone causing the children un-necessary pain.

I allowed myself to become every ones whipping post.

I should never have allowed his son allowances for his behaviour in the first place.

I should have shown him and his sister that it was my home as well as theirs.

I should never have sent my children away to my brother for holiday’s.

I should have firmly designated the chores between all the children.

I should have been a stronger person and stood up to my partner.

Lastly I do have a relationship with my own children we are very close and although I feel guilty about allowing them to be treated as they were whilst growing up I know I never failed them or his children for that matter. My eldest daughter has a child of her own and just the other day told me that she wants her child to be brought up exactly the same way that she and her sister were brought up. She wants her child to be solid and have roots.

His children have grown up somehow I have managed to bond with them and have a relationship with them. His son told me in March this year that if I left his father now he would understand why and wouldn’t blame me. The daughter comes to me with her problems and relies on me for a lot. Neither have a good relationship with their father or mother. They love their parents very much but do not go out of there way for them. I find this very sad.

I now have anger towards my partner I feel like I have always been second best. I have distanced myself in our relationship and although I have no intentions of leaving I feel like all the years I spent being the children’s caretakers not wasted years.

I do feel I should have counted for something in the relationship. I have thrown myself into my career where I seem to get solace. I do not want to be bitter and harbour resentment. What has happened has happened, I can’t undo it I have to deal with it and carry on my youngest child is now seventeen. My child has her own scars to bear from all the trauma over the years.”

Letter submitted by Email an dpresented in full

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Voice | 3 Comments »

September 11, 2006

He says I don’t trust him – yet he is flirting with other women when we are about to start a home and family together…

by Rod Smith

Reader: “My boyfriend says that I don’t trust him. When I am not around he gives his cell-phone number to women without telling me that he has made a new friend. I find this out when I see messages on his phone. It upsets me when he can’t talk to me but can do so with a stranger and flirt with them. We are about to start our own home and family. I think he is afraid to commit to me. When he was an infant his parents gave him to relatives to raise and they kept their other two kids. He did not find out about this until he was older. He has resentment towards his mother. Maybe he feels that if his own parents can give him up, that I may do the same to him? I love him, so very much and I want to help him. Please help.” (Letter edited)

Rod: Analyzing his adolescent behavior will send you on a never-ending wild-goose chase that will have you justifying your pain, and excusing his irresponsibility, for many years. Don’t do it. Take a break. Give yourself time to see the gravity of what you want to enter, with a man, who is yet behaving as a young boy.

Posted in Affairs, Family | Leave a Comment »

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