January 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am a gay man in my 40s and very comfortable with my life. My father ended our relationship when I told him I was gay about 15 years ago. I have heard he is very, very ill and I would like to see him. Is this likely to dig up stuff for me in a harmful or a helpful way? I am more nervous than I expected but I find I am no longer angry at him at all. Your ideas and suggestions would be appreciated.”
Humble yourself and visit your father. Perhaps it is time for you to care for your father in ways you have thought him unable to care for you.
Forgive. Forgive, and forgive- no matter what “surfaces” for you.
Your degree of comfort with your life will be tried and tested by your capacity to embrace your estranged father – especially if his views and attitudes remain unchanged.
This is not about sexuality, or about winning or losing, or about any degree of discomfort you may feel in facing your past – rather, I believe it is about an adult son and a father finding peace, and each other.
Parenting your father, as he nears the end of his life, will offer each of you the ultimate challenge to overcome that that which has divided you for so long and, I believe, your whole family will be better off for it.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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January 5, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been single for a few years after a 5 year marriage and I think it is time for me to start dating. The few men I have met or that I hear other women talk about want to get settled or they are looking for a step mother for their children after a rough divorce. I am not sure I am willing to put up with all it takes to find someone. What is the time span that would be healthy to leave before I date after a divorce? Is it unfair to date men when you have no real intention of marrying again?”
Take up your life....
allow at least one full calendar year (sometimes much longer) after any major relationship trauma has occurred before a similar relationship is once again pursued.
It seems, from reading your brief letter, that you are ready to look any man fully in the face and announce exactly what you want and do not want. I do not believe it is unfair to date while not seeking something permanent.
What is always unfair is giving the impression you want something that you are really not looking for at all.
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January 4, 2010
by Rod Smith
“It’s the sugar, hunger, or being tired that causes the my girlfriend’s children’s outbursts. It is never that ‘mom’ argues with her children and any threat of punishment never ever happens. My daughter is now refusing to be around us, wondering how and why she has to behave while my girlfriend’s children are allowed to be monsters. It’s about to end our relationship. I have sat in public too many times embarrassed by their behavior. It is sad but I am being asked to help her in controlling her children but when I do she defends their actions and then yells at me! I tell her if she’d treat her children the way she treats me her problems would be solved!” (Minimal edits)
Get out of the middle...
– and, I have seen myself do the same thing. It is illogical and unreasonable, but children often wield disproportionate power with parents and it seems more often so with single parents. The parent is often blind to unhelpful parenting behaviors while the “errors” are glaring for all who look on. Yet it remains a road to ruin when an “outsider” (even if you are the significant other) becomes involved in correcting another’s children – even, believe it or not, when such help is requested.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triangles, Voice |
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January 3, 2010
by Rod Smith
“You frequently write to “get out of the middle” and “mind your own business” as if it is easy to do. It is not. My sons (all adults) and my new husband cannot get along and it frustrates me to no end. I am in the middle and it is my business. What can I do to help them?”
Separate yourself so they can find their own relationships.
how important it is to you, and then leave it. Every time you run interference for your sons or your husband, and try to maneuver their relationships, you make it all the more unlikely that your sons and husband will deal with whatever keeps them at loggerheads.
You might find some relief knowing that a new partner in a second marriage, simply by the role acquired, is positioned for rejection. It can come, at least at first, with the territory. Of course this is not always true or insurmountable. Be sure, it will be pushed further from resolution while you, and not the men in question, are working at it.
What you can do is identify why you are so anxious that everyone gets along. It is possible to be family and accommodate varying degrees of acceptance and rejection.
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January 2, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair with a married man because I was not strong. His wife said I wanted him. One day after work, her husband asked me if I would meet him and I agreed. It made sense because I was already accused. I spent one morning with him and then he started calling and we became very close. Now we have a child and I live with him. I have learned a life long lesson. Because someone makes accusations you do not have to make them true. I have made some decisions in my life that I can never take back. I have caused great pain to both our families. Deep down inside that I want out. I am ready to move on to get my life together. If you are in a situation like mine, walk away. Once it’s done, it is done. You can never take back anything you do. Don’t let people tell you it’s your fault because it’s not. It takes two people. Walk away. I love my baby but when this child grows up, I will have a lot of explaining to do.” (Edited)
Your confession moves me and I trust it serves to help others avoid the circumstance you both created.
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December 31, 2009
by Rod Smith
Thanks for being a part of my work...
I am not sure how many “You and Me” columns (or “Difficult Relationships” columns) I have written in 2009 – but, apart from minimal technical limitations of email occasionally occurring, as far as I know I have not skipped a day. As “You and Me” has become an integral part of my daily routine going back about ten years, I have often asked myself what it is that so motivates me. Friends, of course, who are regularly fascinated by this anomaly (how many people do you know who write a daily newspaper column that is published 12,000 miles away?) ask me the same question.
I think I know the reasons:
1. I thoroughly love the discipline of family therapy,
2. I deeply desire to make an impact with my life,
3. I need the daily discipline required to form the column everyday, and
4. Being in your daily paper is a fine way to stay connected with my roots.
It’s 2010. It’s time to invigorate our emotional, physical, and psychological lives afresh. Thanks to all the readers who offer this column support and to the many who write to me on a daily basis. One of my deepest regrets is that I cannot write and talk to every one personally – but it is certainly not without trying.
Thanks for a great 2009, this year is going to be even better!
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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December 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for many wonderful, happy years. For the past several months my husband has been behaving in a ‘detached’ way and every time I’ve tried to get to the bottom of it he has blamed business pressures and the fact that he lost a lot of money in a business venture this year. A few days ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he wasn’t happy and that he’d fallen out of love with me. He refuses to go for marriage guidance as his mind is made up. How can someone just ‘fall out of love’? Surely in a marriage love is a choice? I just don’t understand it. He says no other women are involved. Surely his being ‘unhappy’ is all about him being unhappy with himself right now? I haven’t changed. I’m still the same person that he used to love and used to be happy with. Obviously I’m absolutely devastated right now. We don’t have children. I know that I have no control over how he feels and I think my best option is to try to take care of myself as best I can, although that’s easier said that done right now.”
Begin to take up your life....
Five tough points, perhaps the last things you want to hear:
1. That your husband claims to no longer love you does not render the past years of love and happiness any less real.
2. You will gain nothing by caving in, losing your way, because of his revelation. Continuing to mourn ought not inhibit your determination to begin building a new life.
3. “Thinking single”, while it is the last thing you want to do, must immediately become core to the manner in which you see life. While it is tantamount to relearning how to walk, it is essential. While you’d prefer things to be different it is time to take up your life, put back the pieces and maneuver yourself (with the help of close friends) through the quagmire of emotions and justified anger.
4. Given that your husband wants to proceed with a divorce, remember that divorce is more like war than anything else. Secure a good lawyer. Get everything you are due from the marriage. Allowing him to handle everything would be very unwise.
5. Trying to understand the unreasonableness of your husband’s position is an attempt to reason with the unreasonable. It is understandable but it is a wild goose-chase.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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December 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for twenty years to a habitual liar. He cannot speak the truth. He has had numerous affairs but still comes home. Why? I have asked him to leave but he says he never will. I have reached the end and am going to divorce him in the New Year. The problem is he continually gets into debt and cannot repay his debts. I have unhappy for 20 years, but stuck hoping that this man would change. He has told me that I am ugly. I still look after him; cook, clean, and wash. I no longer have any sexual relationship with him and he thinks he is the victim. The question is why does he still come back home?”
Your happiness is in your hands, not his. It appears you are at least as resistant to change as he is. He comes back because you allow him to. Get your eyes off his flaws and focus on your behavior. I continually meet men and women who are experts on their spouse’s behavior while, at the same time, appear to be blind to how their own behavior contributes to what the spouse is able to do and not do.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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December 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Not every married man’s situation is the same. I have a friend who is a married man who happens to be so unhappy it just makes my heart break. He has been nothing but the sweetest guy for me. Whether or not we end up together isn’t the end goal, it’s ALL about being happy and sharing that with each other. It is true an extremely happy marriage won’t leave a spouse ripe for an affair, but to tell someone they have to stay miserable while in one and have no way to share happiness with another human being is absurd.”
Deal with what you have, first.
Any relief a married man finds outside of his marriage will be short-lived and heartbreaking to all concerned. The issue regarding “your” unhappy man is not whether he can be “sweet” to you but whether he can be honest with his wife. Of course I am aware that not all marriages must continue for some are beyond toxic, but the solution is not reached by searching outside of the marriage while a person is still in it.
Affairs are seductive, seducing you away from the real problem, and preventing an arrival at its solution. If it is ” ALL about being happy and sharing with each other” and you choose to do so with a man who is married, it will ALL be very powerful, and very temporary.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries |
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December 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
When all the hoopla surrounding the season subsides I’d challenge you to take stock, to assess, to reflect upon the following questions as you prepare for the New Year:
1. Am I up to date on telling those whom I love that I do indeed love them?
2. Am I up to date with forgiveness, or am I withholding it from someone and therefore stunting my own growth and maturity?
3. Have I exercised wild generosity toward members of my family, my friends, and my enemies, which reflects my capacity to empower and to give?
4. Am I out of integrity with anyone, anywhere, and, in the event that I am, am I willing to take every step necessary and required to set matters straight?
5. Am I blaming anyone or anything for the manner in which my life is not pleasing to me? What will it take to stop living as a victim and to start living as a highly functional responsible member of a community?
6. Am I under-functioning (being lazy) in some of my roles and over-functioning (enabling the laziness in other) in other roles? Am I willing to bring correction where correction is necessary?
7. Are all my adult relationships mutual, respectful, and equal?
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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