January 19, 2011

In our culture a woman is looked down at if she is not married

by Rod Smith

“In 2001 I got a job overseas. I met a special person and now a child together. While pregnant I came home without him. He decided to break up with me when our daughter was two days old. He is now married and has another daughter. I managed to get over him. I met another man and I ended the relationship when I find out that he was married. Since 2008 I’ve had hard time finding a man. It is hard for me because I sometimes wish to be touched and have a companion. I’m a very loving person who has so much love to give. I will be turning 35 and I’m not married. In our culture a woman is looked down at if she is not married. Worse, younger men don’t respect you. My self-esteem has gone down and I’m always depressed.” (Edited)

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Shift your focus

You’ve already demonstrated the ability to resist cultural pressures. It is time to do so again. Try to shift your focus onto finding the strong, woman, and mother within you – rather than another man. I’d suggest your daughter needs you infinitely more than you need a man. A strong, defined, woman of integrity will be attractive to a strong, defined man of integrity.

 

Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Family, Forgiveness, Listening, Spousal abuse, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love | Leave a Comment »

January 18, 2011

Is it possible to find lasting love if you leave your spouse for someone else?

by Rod Smith

“I am an unhappily married woman married with twin girls. It takes little for my husband and I to erupt into arguments. I have cheated on several occasions. My husband and I don’t communicate well and we haven’t had intimacy for years. Our children see arguments, exasperation, anger, resentment, and no affection. A couple of years ago I could have left my husband for one of the two other men but didn’t. This fellow lives far away so I let it slide. Meanwhile, he has been seeing another woman. Being married I had no claim on him to not date other women. I can’t stop thinking about this man and wanting him to dump the girlfriend for me. I want to win this fellow back and have the relationship with him. I know he is the man I should be with. I am terribly frustrated. Is it possible to find lasting love in leaving your spouse for someone else?” (Edited)

It is possible but it is highly, highly unlikely. Your unhappiness will prevail until you tackle your internal life-issues that have nothing to do with the men (husband included) in your life. You appear convinced your happiness is dependent on a man. Not so. Your happiness is your responsibility – man or no man.

 

Posted in Affairs, Boundaries | 1 Comment »

January 17, 2011

The most viewed column: When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore…..

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

80,000 online views

Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.

You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.

Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.

Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.

And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.

You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.

(November 2006)

Tell me your story. I am listening:

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Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Single parenting, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

January 16, 2011

How to measure your spirituality:

by Rod Smith

Love, peace, and generosity

Your “spirituality” is not affirmed by how much you read the Holy Scriptures, sing hymns, pray, clap your hands, or dance to contemporary religious music.

It’s not determined by how much you visit your place of worship or how much money you donate to its causes.

It’s not affirmed by your title (if you have one) or the ornate design of your robe (if you wear one) or the position your hold in the hierarchy of your faith.

But it is affirmed by your willingness to take responsibility for your life, your choices, and the good use of your skills and talents.

It’s measured by how you treat people, especially loved-ones and strangers; how you love your enemies, offer hospitality, and respect, regard, and love those who reject your beliefs.

Do you clean up after yourself?

Are you generous to a fault?

Do you love those who are different from you, whose lives might be in direct conflict with what you believe?

Do you love by listening?

If you take full responsibility for yourself, become extraordinarily generous, embrace diversity, and love others by listening, you will fast-forward your “spiritual” growth.

It’s not your title, the reach of your authority, or the crowds who respect and adore you. Rather, it’s how you respect and love those who don’t.

Tell me your story, or make your comment here…… I am listening:

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Posted in Boundaries | 3 Comments »

January 16, 2011

What is it going to take to “man-you-up”?

by Rod Smith

“I was divorced 4 years ago and have daughter (7) who lives with her mother. I have been living with my girlfriend for 4 years and we have a son (2). I knew my girlfriend before I got divorced and she had a good relationship with my daughter.  After we moved in together she started disliking my daughter. Now that I have gained more access to my daughter my girlfriend does not like it. She says she is too young to accept all of this but it’s been already four years. She knew I had a child before we started dating. I will not choose my girlfriend over my child again. What do I do?”

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Look at YOUR choices

This is not your girlfriend’s problem. It is yours.

What it is about you that you would leave a marriage and immediately move in with another woman, giving yourself no time to assess your first failed marriage? What is it about you that you’d bring yet another child into another unstable context with a woman with whom you’d not discussed joys and challenges of co-parenting your daughter?

Addressing these questions might begin to “man-you-up” (get you some backbone) so that you might begin to take more responsibility for yourself and for ALL your relationships.

 

Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Step parenting, Stepmother, Womanhood | Leave a Comment »

January 13, 2011

I am so thankful for your articles on finding a voice….

by Rod Smith

“I am so thankful for your articles on spiritual abuse and finding a voice. I married at a vulnerable moment of my life and saw abusive signs prior to saying ‘I do.’  I ignored them because I wanted a Godly man. I thought nothing that his family was extremely distant from him. I even tried for the sake of peace and obedience to go against my moral convictions and perform my devout allegiance and loyalty to every word he commanded. He would say…’God said!’ I had n voice over my own thoughts or contributions to our marriage. I’m the third wife of a seemingly godly person. People think I am the cause of our troubles. I have moved out, but am still married. I am unfortunately preparing for divorce – because he shows no signs of accountability or turning away from the behavior. I have gone to counseling, but there is so much damage already done. I wish churches would teach women it is okay to have a voice and to stand up to abusive husbands.” (Edited)

 

Thank you for your encouraging letter. I trust you will find wholeness. Once you are recovered you will have a platform to reach women in tough circumstances. Address your legitimate anger soon. Nothing eats at life like unresolved anger.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

January 12, 2011

The myth of second marriages as “fresh” beginnings….

by Rod Smith

Second marriages are not “fresh beginnings” as many couples would like to believe. A failed first marriage, no matter what the reasons for its disintegration, will cast some shadows over the second marriage.

Wise couples acknowledge this, accommodate the learning and talk about it – and thus diminish its power.

Naïve couples blissfully ignore the past until it blindsides them a little while after the honeymoon – if they are lucky enough for it to wait that long.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 1 Comment »

January 12, 2011

Success at work, yet “fails” at home

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

This is a challenge to all of us

I am flummoxed by the number of high-powered men and women who can lead multi-national corporations (or schools, hospitals, government agencies, or churches) and yet who cannot seem to apply the wisdom and skill that has made them successful to their personal lives.

While loving a family and running a business are dissimilar in many ways, you’d think a man who has to regularly face conflict, negotiate with employees, and address unhappy customers may be able to address issues with his immediate family without becoming totally unglued!

I have regularly challenged men and women to consider using their business skills at home, to treat a wife or a daughter like a valued customer, to go above and beyond for a son in the manner that he or she might do for a valued employee.

And, of course, I have to rise to the challenge myself.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

January 11, 2011

I don’t want his daughter living with us…..

by Rod Smith

“My boyfriend has a 6-year-old daughter who is a wonderful little girl. She likes me and we get along well. However, my boyfriend has a horrible relationship with his daughter’s mother and I’ve witnessed horrible battles while he was on the phone with her. He says he never gives her any money and instead, buys his daughter things she needs because he felt the money wasn’t going to the child. His daughter lives with her mother and older siblings in a ‘bad neighborhood’ and my boyfriend has mentioned gaining custody of his daughter. I don’t want to seem like a terrible person but I’m not ready to be mommy to a 6-year-old. I’m pregnant with my first baby, which would be his second. I’m just not ready for her to move in. We’re considering marriage in the next two years. Any suggestions?”

Your power over your domestic circumstances is restricted by pre-existing relationships in the life of the man whom you are marrying. He is a dad. That he has a daughter, and that he will want to do what it best for his daughter will probably be non-negotiable. This will not be an easy journey for you or your unborn child given the acrimony already in the system.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

January 10, 2011

Parent who enables, empowers…..

by Rod Smith

Pietermaritzburg Educational Psychologist, David Weekes, contacted me. At my request he modified yesterday’s column: Thanks, David:

The parent who ENABLES …

1. Overprotects, makes excuses for or covers up his/her child’s misbehaviour and, thereby, undermines the authority of the other parent and teachers.

2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded by responsibility for his/her child (ensuring rules are followed, doing things for the child he/she is capable of doing for him/herself).

3. Feels like he/she is living more than one life as if the child’s choices and actions are entirely the parent’s responsibility.

4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – worries needlessly about how his/her child will turn out, perform in school, cope with bullies.

5. Seems unable to distinguish between “self” and “parent” and, in seeking to be a “good” parent, reinforcing an unhealthy co-dependence.

The parent who EMPOWERS …

1. Learns to stop overprotecting (“I will not lie for you and write an excuse note when you are not ill.”)

2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible for his/her child’s wellbeing and assuming responsibility when it is the child who is accountable.

3. Learns to allow many choices (within limits) made by his/her child to run their course so the child can learn from the consequences of his/her actions.

4. Learns to distinguish between useful anxiety and what is and is not a legitimate cause for worry.

5. Works at promoting a healthy, necessary separation to foster a sense of independence in that child.

David can be contacted at davidsw@telkomsa.net

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family | 1 Comment »

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