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Your parents are the most important people you will ever know.

Get things right with them, and you’ll be poised for success.

By “right” I mean embark on the ongoing journey to develop your skills by loving, honoring, enjoying, and negotiating with them.

If you don’t, if you settle for on-going conflict, you will probably spend a lifetime engaged in conflicts large and small with others, especially with those whom you love.

Your parents are the springboards for everything.

Treat them well.

Of course I am well aware that not all parents are committed to their children or deserve the kind of respect and effort I am suggesting.

In very unusual circumstances, parents have been particularly evil. This is so unusual and I’d encourage young people from such families to communicate with me directly.

Yes. Your imperfect mother and father, with all their faults and failings, are the perfect training ground for you to learn and discover almost everything you need to know about how life works.

Get what you can, while you can – in faith, in humility, and with grace.

The rewards are timeless.

At least for this week….

1. Listen more than you speak. Really listen. This means you are not waiting to speak, or formulating your rebuttal, or accessing your “better story” while others are talking. The ONLY evidence of love is that you listen. Take note of the many times people “one-up” each other with stories, shift the focus onto themselves, or maneuver a conversation into their control. Don’t do any of this – at least not this week.   
2. Tell the truth with love and compassion. Sometime this means keeping very quiet. Sometimes it means boldly speaking out. Let your words heal and encourage – at least this week. 
3. Examine how you spend your money. Are you getting yourself deeper in debt, or closer to financial freedom, as a result of the use of how you use this money at this time? How you use every cent has the power to take you in one direction or another. Examine your spending – at least for this week.
4. Embrace downward mobility – seek to serve rather than be served, seek to honour others rather than to be honored. Get over yourself so that you become a useful member of your community rather than trying to make it all about you – at least for this week.        

HUSBAND N I SEPERATED BECOUSE OF PARENTS HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS I LIVE WITH MINE AND MY DAUGHTER WE ONLY GET TO SEE HIM ON WEEKENDS AND THAT TO HE WORK AN SO DO I WE FIGHT ALOT BECOUSE HE RATHER US COME WEEKENDS AND WE SPEND TIME AT HIS MUMS THAN US FINDING A PLACE TO STAY AS A FAMILY HE SAYS IM UNFAIR AND SELFISH IF I HAVE CLOTHS TO WASH N CANT MAKE TO GO BY HIM AND HE DOESNT LIKE THE IDEA OF HIM COMING TO SEE US BECOUSE HIS PARENTS DNT GET TO SPEND TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER HE RATHER THEY SPEND TIME WITH HER THAN WE HAVING A FAMILY DAY OUT TOGETHER

I have not “fixed” the above letter. I have published it exactly as received. I want my treasured readership to see how many, far from all, letters arrive most days.

To the careless writers:

Using all capital letters does not get my attention. It blinds me. The only reason I don’t delete your letter is because I know you are in pain.

Some punctuation, even a comma or two, might clarify your meaning.

If you are careless writing to a stranger, I wonder how you treat those whom you say you love.

“My spouse is verbally abusive, short tempered, and critical of me but only in private, and then as sweet as can be to me in public and to strangers. I have put up with it for years. Surely those we are closest with should get the best treatment? What should I say? I am called sensitive, over-reactive, and thin-skinned if I say anything about it at all.” (Edited)

Your spouse has appeared to objectify you and is unhappy with the performance of that object. He or she appears to regard you as a possession, perhaps as a car or an appliance that does not quite meet expectations.

Every time you put up with the abuse you are not “being sensitive, over-reactive, and thin-skinned,” you are agreeing to be a victim. You are agreeing with your spouse’s perception of you as something to be treated as desired.

Until you stand up for yourself, until you do something most unusual, until you rock and roll when your spouse has become accustomed to leading you in a waltz, the dance will remain the same and you will be a victim for the rest of your life.

Be sure I am not blaming you for the abuse, but I am holding you accountable for accommodating it.

“It has been a year since my mother told me that my father said he didn’t love her any longer. And I am still bitter. I am bitter at the fact that my own mom told this information to me. She doesn’t know how badly that hurt me. And how angry it made me. They are still together. They apparently were able to work things out. I feel that it is faked. My mother has really become someone completely different. Putting my father before her and her children. I love my parents but I have so much pent up anger and hostility that I just don’t know what to do. My mom has no job and a lot of the day she sleeps and does nothing. My dad works and is a nice man but is so unreliable and does things on his own accord. I know that these issues are theirs but it drives me crazy.”

I’d suggest you find help for yourself and allow your parents to make sense of their own lives.

While letting you in on her life with your father was clearly not in your best interests, it is done.

Begin building something you can love by dealing with your anger with someone who is equipped to help you.