Archive for ‘Living together’

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November 20, 2007

We’re engaged but she and her ex still lean on each other…

by Rod Smith

“I met a woman a year ago and we are engaged. She very good friends with her ex-husband because neither has other family. Although he is very good to his daughter, and because my fiancé and he are still close, I find it hard to feel appreciated. They are used to having each other to lean on and help each other. Why does that make me jealous? We love each other but the ex husband is used to helping her and making the decisions. Now that I am there, I feel he should only be involved when it something concerns his daughter. I feel like I have no say in the decision-making for my new family for everything is run by the ex husband so that he will not feel left out. She says they are friends and I do not fear any cheating.”

I’d suggest you place matters on hold until this woman defines herself to her ex and rids herself of her need to rescue him from loneliness. While your jealousy is your issue (something you perhaps might look into), playing second fiddle to an ex, while you are engaged, is cause for concern. I’d suggest you step out until he does, or until something shifts. While you cooperate and compromise yourself and your engagement, nothing will change.

Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together | 2 Comments »

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November 14, 2007

He says he wants to marry me….

by Rod Smith

“I have been struggling for months. When can one say that they are ready for marriage and how long must you date to take that step? I have been dating this guy for the past five years and we have a son together. I can officially say I’ve met the person I want to spend the rest of my days with. We are both 25. He says that he wants to marry me and I am ready. I feel like I need to know whether he’ll ever actually propose so that I can figure out what direction my life takes. My biggest fear is that I’ll wake up in five years to find no progress in our relationship. How do I make him aware of how I feel without making him feel like I’m pressuring him into a commitment?”

I do not seek to be unkind – but let’s give this a little thought! You have a son together, you are adults, you are both 25 – yet you cannot tell him it is time to get married? Tell him. I could care less if he feels pressure. He is a dad and it is time to be a husband. I officially tell you it is time to think about the child rather than about yourselves.

Posted in Attraction, Communication, Living together, Marriage, Parenting/Children | 6 Comments »

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November 13, 2007

To get the best out of sex….

by Rod Smith

The power and sacredness of sex …

Morality, religious beliefs, and family values and expectations aside, which, by the way I believe is impossible to do, don’t have sex with a person whom you do not know, and are not committed to in every area of your life, for the long haul.

To say “it (sex) is just a physical thing” is naïve, shortsighted, and misguided.

Sexual behavior is powerfully connected to the essence of who and what each of us is, and to regard it lightly or with flippancy, dismisses the powerful, creative, and beautiful place sex occupies in the engine room of each our lives, whether married or single.

To regard sexual acts as purely (only) physical is absurd.

Sexuality, and its expression through physical acts, potentially combines your whole heart, mind, your spirit (or inner being) and your body – in a sacred act of shared love, resulting in mutual replenishment, mutual recharging, and the willing refocus, as a couple on all that is mutually and individually important.

It is impossible to get the best out of sex (or put your best into sex) with a stranger, or with someone you hardly know, and with whom you have no long-term shared responsibilities and commitments.

Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice | 1 Comment »

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October 25, 2007

I want to get to the bottom of how she feels…

by Rod Smith

“My wife spends a lot of time at home because of family commitments and I understand that she needs to circulate with other people. When she does go out she seems to go over the top and stays out late. She doesn’t want to talk to, stating that she knows everything about me. When she spends a lot of time with other men, I tend to get jealous. I have been married before and I am scared that my wife will leave me for another man which is what happened in my previous marriage. She says she loves me but I don’t know whether of not to believe her. I am really fighting with my self internally to give her the space she requires and to not stifle her. Is there some things I might read, or things I should do to try and releive my fear, or try and get to the bottom of how she feels.”

Getting to the bottom of how you feel is sufficiently difficult, let alone trying to get to the bottom of how she feels. Leave her feelings alone. Read David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage. The book will help you see where you end and she begins – that is what is at the core of your troubles.

Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Listening, Living together, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Schnarch, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice | 2 Comments »

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October 10, 2007

Emotionally exhausted? Here are some ways to find restoration…

by Rod Smith

Take up your life....

Take up your life....

Are you emotionally out of shape? Psychologically exhausted? Tramped on? Feel trapped? Just as a person can be physically run down, so also can one become emotionally depleted. Here are simple, not easy, steps to getting your internal life into shape. Each will do your internal life as much good as frequent exercise does for a person who is physically out of shape:

1. Speak up where you might previously have remained silent.
2. Realize that not everything you think and feel has to be said or reported.
3. Focus on your own behavior and not the behavior of others. (This might be the most difficult of the 11 suggestions).
4. Rid your life of all blame.
5. Realize you are where you are as a result of your own choices.
6. Set small, secret goals involving no one but you.
7. Refuse to compromise when it comes to telling the truth no matter how much love may be involved.
8. Forgive where you might have previously have been resentful.
9. Do not function in roles not legally yours (don’t play wife if your are not, or dad if you are not).
10. Grasp the fact that emotional health is an individual journey and no one can be held responsible for your journey toward greater emotional health but you.
11. Clarify, for yourself, where you end and others begin. (This IS me, my issue, my responsibility: this is NOT me, my issue, my responsibility).

Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice | 12 Comments »

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October 9, 2007

More about addictions……. (continued from yesterday)

by Rod Smith

Why is gambling such an addiction (drugs I understand!)?

Where a “big win” is presented as real possibility (thus the publicity afforded “big wins”) the “common” gambler is encouraged to believe the day will come when he or she will win the jackpot.

Gambling is self-defeating for the obvious reason: the stakes are high, and so is the almost inevitable accompanying debt. Where else can one hope to get rid of loads of debt in an instant, but by means of gambling?

It is this very belief that leads to further involvement in the very behavior that one is trying to break.

Do not forget co-addictions. Addictions usually come in pairs. Even threes. The sex addict will usually also have troubles with alcohol, or the gambler with illegal sibstances. Few addicts have ONE addictive behavior, but usually face a few undesired and out-of-control behaviors. And each can destabilize the addict’s life and family.

Is there a cure? Few addicts are “cured” if cured means the addict will no longer face some longings for the behavior or its effects. “Cure” and “management” ought to be exchanged here. When an addict learns to manage the behavior, then he or she might say he or she is “being cured.”

Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Grace, Living together, Victims, Violence | Leave a Comment »

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October 2, 2007

Our counselor used your columns in pre-marital work and it seemed cold…

by Rod Smith

“Three years ago our pre-marriage counselor used a few of your columns to get us talking. I was annoyed because they made our engagement seem so business-like and so un-romantic. It seemed very cold to discuss money when you feel so in love. Now I can see how important it was to talk about money and children and faith as if I was entering a business relationship. Thanks. You have helped us a lot.” (Edited)

Perceiving a marriage as having many elements of a business contract will enhance, and not detract, from a marriage relationship. The absence of money (fights over money, the misuse of money) in a marriage can quickly kill any feelings of romance and goodwill. “Cold” talks during an engagement can help warm a home for many years to come. He or she, who, during marriage preparation refuses to engage in such talk, is declaring loudly and clearly that he or she is not quite ready for marriage. I am most honored your counselor used some of my work to assist you in you marriage.

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Marriage, Responsive people, Spousal abuse, Teenagers, Violence, Voice | 1 Comment »

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September 24, 2007

Six observations, almost always true about families…..

by Rod Smith

dsc_0642Axioms (observations that are almost always true) for families:

A man or woman who has an open, friendly, respectful, and playful relationship with his or her own parents will seldom have problems with his or her in-laws.

Extra-marital affairs are symptoms of a troubled marriage and not the cause of trouble in a marriage.

The teenager who is open and friendly and kind to his or her parents is laying the foundation for a happy and open and friendly relationship with his or her future spouse and children.

When children “take over” a family, and become the center or the glue of a marriage, relational carnage (with the marriage and even possibly with the children) waits in the wings.

The couple that engages in sex, but never discusses it, will finally end up discussing (or arguing about) why one or the other partner has lost all interest in sex.

People who can stand up to each other (resist poor treatment; declare what he or she will or will not do; speak up about what he or she really feels) are more likely to have a lasting relationship than people who relent or give in to each other’s wishes in the name of love.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Domination, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Manipulation | 4 Comments »

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September 21, 2007

Marrying: What’s the rush? / Guest Writer, Corinne Edwards

by Rod Smith

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/marrying-whats-the-rush

“You’re good looking. How come nobody ever married YOU?’

I was 20. The question was asked by Mickey – I’ll never forget his name – at a wedding. I was maid of honor for the fifth time that year for friends who had achieved the honor of someone marrying them!

I felt so shamed. So unworthy. Embarrassed.

Indeed. Why hadn’t anyone married ME? The simple answer, although I had dated a lot in high school and college, was nobody asked.

The age at which you get that question has been raised. You don’t get the interrogation until you are about 25. That is when if you are not “hooked up” in some way – in an exclusive relationship, living with someone or engaged.

Your mother is saying, “Give him some time. He’s a nice young man. Maybe you will learn to love him. Maybe he has friends he can introduce you to.”

My feeling is after the first or by the second date, you know if the person is right for you. And, please. Men never introduce you to a buddy. It is not done. If one of their friends takes an interest in you, they are dust.

Special note here: Do you know who will introduce you? Mothers. No, not your mother. Other mothers. Get involved in your church or temple – not just the singles group – with the committees. They are full of mothers who are desperate because their handsome 30 year old sons are not settled down. They are dying for a sweet, educated, adorable young thing like you. Mothers are still the matchmakers today they were in centuries past.

Your friends say, “Well, at least you’re dating.” So? You are just spending time with “Mr. Right Now.” You are wasting time and energy. Go to the gym. Read a book. Write one. Get involved in charitable organizations. (Get to know more mothers!)

I have had several young women in my life coach practice. They have a plan.

This seems to be the approximate drill:

22-25 Out of college. Establishing a career. Looking for the “one”

25-26 Career in place. Serious dating with one person

26-27 Engaged and moving in together

27-28 Getting married

30 BABY

This is not a discourse on trashing goals. I believe in goals. They work.
But it is a suggestion to not let the schedule you have set govern your decisions. Don’t settle for someone because he suitable and is on your time line and seems “good enough.” Loving someone a little is not good enough. Wait.

We have all heard that the divorce rate is now just over 50%. But, this week, the Chicago Tribune reported an interesting statistic. The marriages, on average, lasted eight years total. Do you remember the old film, “The Seven Year Itch?” It’s not a comedy after all. You will have two children by then.

I married at 21. The basis for the marriage was that he was handsome and the captain of the football team and I was a cheerleader. Great reasons, right? But the real reason was because everyone else was getting married. Oddly enough, given this latest statistic, it lasted eight years.

Society’s insistence that we are coupled does not stop as you get older. The Noah’s Ark mentality never stops!

I had been a widow exactly two months when this conversation took place in my office. I kid you not. This is a scene from a script I am writing but it is absolutely true word for word. So, you adorable young women out here – you are not alone!

Corinne enters her office.

Two ELDERLY LADY clients are seated. They stand to greet her.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

We came in personally to pick up our tickets to Florida. You look wonderful.

ELDERLY LADY – TWO

Sorry to hear about your terrible loss. How are you, dear?

Corinne starts to answer but the ladies continue to talk.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

You’re a young, attractive woman. You’ll find someone. Don’t wait too long. A woman without a man is a terrible thing.

Corinne hands the ladies an envelope with their tickets.

ELDERLY LADY – TWO

Take my advice. Look for someone younger this time. They last longer.

As they leave, one of the ladies turns back to Corinne with a confidential whisper.

ELDERLY LADY – ONE

Are you seeing anyone yet?

I have neighbors in their 90’s. God is the only one who knows how long they have been married. I am sure that in all that time, they have had their ups and downs.

They are not in perfect health but they have no extra help. He helps her. She helps him.

Today was a beautiful day and as I glanced out of my window, I saw them sitting outside in the sunshine. They were seated side by side on the patio, both reading.

But they were also holding hands.

I want some of that. Don’t you?

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Living together, Love, Marriage, Re-marriage, Voice, Young Love | Leave a Comment »

August 15, 2007

Ex wife seems to take divorce lightly….

by Rod Smith

My husband’s ex-wife seems to take their divorce lightly. There is a need for communication because of my step-daughter, however, she has become almost “too friendly” with me. For instance, she will call me up and say, “How is my ex-husband?” She is also cultivating an affection towards our kids, which makes it feel like she wants to create a psuedo family – that is, be divorced, but be a part of the entire system. In some ways, it is very difficult because it looks like it’s in the spirit of what is best for my step-daughter, yet it is quite awkward. It seems as if she (ex-wife) is needy and has definite boundary issues. I don’t know how to broach it – my husband simply ignores and detatches from her, but I don’t want her to feel rejected. We have common events to attend, not to mention friends from the same circle. Any insight would be appreciated.

ROD’S REPLY: Your husband “ignores and detaches” from his ex-wife and you “don’t want her to feel rejected” but SHE is the one with the boundary issues! I’d suggest the “entire system” (of which she IS a part) could use a boundary tune up. I challenge you both to sit down with her at a venue other than your home and define your marital boundaries so she might reassess how to mother a daughter as one who is divorced from her daughter’s father. Resist blaming this woman for boundary issues when you have hardly done much better at it yourself.

Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Voice | 1 Comment »

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